A Call from Inside

It's always nice and comforting to receive a phone call from someone IN PRISON. Now, I suppose if you have a loved one locked away then it may very well be comforting for you. I don't know anyone in prison and the fact that I received a phone call from someone in prison unnerves me a bit.

I used to have this policy: Don't answer unknown numbers and don't call them back. I will say there's an exception to that when it's a local number on a business day or they leave you a voicemail stating their purpose. That's different bc I have more information at hand and am not entering into something blindly that way.

I am proud of myself for stepping outside my usual box and checking the missed call. I'd have missed a notice about Ally's medicaid appointment had I not returned a call from an unknown number once. Businesses should be professional enough to leave voice mails but a lot don't so I took a chance.

A few calls and I finally got contact with someone... They didn't even knew who I was but they didn't want to give up and put me on hold. "Do you know anyone in prison?" *nervous laughter* Neither of us, me nor this unknown man, could figure out why my number was dialed. None of his "homeboys in prison" there knew of me so I shrugged it off as a wrong number. He's from my hometown and didn't want to leave it at that. "You sound happily married" even though I'm just engaged and "I'd like to keep talking to you. I'm locked up, got a cell phone but I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm not gonna try to take you from your man. How can I being locked up? I just want a friend."

I said no and stuck to it. It was just strange. Really made my mind turn over and over about where it could possibly go-unknown number leads to stalking. Yeah, I can get imaginative haha. That had to be the strangest thing to happen to me lately! Til next time...

A Plethora of Changes

Life changes so quickly. If you're lucky, the changes occur bit by bit and over the course of many steady years... I'm not feeling lucky with the amount of changes happening at one time. I guess I have a bad habit of overlooking the small stuff until it turns into a big pile of...well, big stuff! I'm left wondering, right along with mister fiance, what the hell is wrong here?!

I've been a mix of up and down dealing with girls being here for the summer.  Some days are better than others when they're not following our rules. I'm not used to having to remind someone to pick up after themselves every single day. I feel like it's always going to be the same with them every summer. It may change for them but I'm not sure how to get it to change from me. I go from feeling somewhat comfortable to completely disconnected. It's awkward and annoying. I just want to feel okay again.

Then there's the wedding to plan! I can't believe I just typed that. I am getting married next year! The man is great and makes me so happy and has made me see what I want in a relationship and this is it. It has been it from day one but it just took some time to develop, then there's always the adjustment period with everything for me before I realize... Hey, this is actually working. I'm giddy and happy and...in love.

Then I think about work. That is my true uncertainty. Continuing where I am or attempting to go back to college. Really, it would be an and bc I still need my job. I like it some days! Just like everyone, I'm sure, there are ups and downs. I don't like a lot of uncertainty and I guess that's what scares me right now.

Either way, it's time to start saving. I have a lot to think about, a lot of decisions to make, and I guess maybe...just maybe...nothing but time.

Genetics

As much as my mom used to scream at me, "You're just like your daddy!" I realized I'm a lot like her too. Things tend to run in families and a huge part of my every day issues is something that literally took my mom down today. My dad seems to have similar issues as well. What a pattern.

I've talked about my diagnosis of IBS. Got it years ago. My mom was diagnosed with something similar to that today and I'm wondering if it could be part of my problem too. I've never been disabled by the pain though. This episode of pain she went through was awful... I hope it doesn't happen again. I have no idea what could have happened if one thing had gone differently with the day, if we hadn't been there for her... Ugh, not a topic for my mind to wander with.

Ulcerative Colitis is an inflammatory bowel disease. Symptoms of it that you don't get with IBS includes things like anemia, loss of appetite(don't quite agree with this one bc I have it occasionally though I've not been tested for either the syndrome or the disease), and fever. I'm not sure she had any of these. She has a history of anemia and IBS, so I guess it makes sense. It's not immediately life threatening, but I'm super paranoid and of course worry incessantly when there's no need. What will be will be, let's just hope it's the path we want to see...within reason of course. I can't stop the world from turning!

Maybe one day I'll be able to get some tests done and know for sure which one I'm truly dealing with. For now, I just take it a day at a time and try to manage it as best I can with the least amount of stress. Yeah, that's easy. :P I'm glad that after today, I have tomorrow off too. I feel exhausted in so many ways right now that I wasn't going to be ready anyway.

Speaking of the word "exhausted"... It's 12:13 am on my clock currently and I'm thinking, "Why am I still awake?" Gotten out of the groove since Tim went back to work. He's not here to nudge me to bed!! Four nights and one day or something like that and we'll be back to semi-normal. That's all we can ask for in our lives, semi-normal!! :) So I'm gonna do what I'd rather not and face the pillows without him and he can wake me when he gets home in the morning...unless Alayna beats him to it. Time will tell. Til next time...


“We are driven by five genetic needs: survival, love/belonging, power, freedom, and fun.”
~ William Glasser

Love and Scheduling

Not much going on in my little world lately. I just ended my week with Ally yesterday. I feel like it was a good one. Fewer mornings of leaving her crying at the daycare, which was a relief for me. That part of our time tears my heart to pieces, so it felt great to get her up and have breakfast then get her to the daycare. Seems like she adjusted a little better having that extra time with me in the mornings.

Work is a little difficult. I have an alternating schedule that I deal with partly for myself and partly for the company. They need me at these hours and I get a little less time moseying around town til I have to go in. Before, I'd be waiting around town for 5 hours before it was time to start work. It's not completely ideal right now, but it's somewhat better. Now that it's my off week without Ally, I'm working evening shifts so I'm home til an hour before I have to be there. Much better than sitting around T-town with no where to go. Gets tempting to spend money, I tell you. :P

My love life is wonderful. Our schedules tend to collide with each other, where he's working when I'm off and vice versa. We've done good getting through it, I think. I'm not gonna lie; It's hard to manage dealing with the fact that you're living with this person yet you've literally just gone DAYS without seeing him. That's just weird!! The best part about this day and time is the availability of communicating in other ways though. We're in constant contact when we can't be together, so there's always a way to let one another know that we're missed and loved. Yay! Lol.

I'm surprised by the change in my attitude and behavior since getting together with him. I'm not on the depression/anxiety meds anymore. I'm not overly angry or short-tempered all the time. I'm extremely happy to be off the meds. The effects from long-term use was always a worry in the back of my mind, especially when you're required to get liver testing periodically due to it. I'm still getting the achy all over and fatigue that I've always had that no one can seem to figure out. Maybe I just need some kind of light exercise to do every other day or something to get moving a little. Doing nothing with your body can hurt it. I remember feeling pretty good when I was active on a regular basis. Makes sense.

My weight remains steady at 170. It's been there for a while. I'm watching it now and wanting to get that back down a little. Twenty pounds would be a reasonable goal in my mind. I don't think I'll ever want to be perfectly thin/svelte. I mean, who wouldn't love that? I'm not going to set my sights on an unreasonable goal though and from where I've been, that's just not going to happen. I've come a long way, baby, and I'm satisfied with that much! I do need to reevaluate and set up some recent goals for myself simply for overall well-being.

So, lose 20 pounds and feel better all over. I have the time tomorrow. I'll aim for a 20 minute walk or 20 minutes of that and something else mixed in. My jump rope is around here some where. Lol. If I happen to have an afternoon with Ally, I can let her ride around on her tricycle while I exercise. Anything is possible. Til next time...

"One must learn a different... sense of time, one that depends more on small amounts than big ones." ~Sister Mary Paul

Squares.

I opted to use a shape as my title today. I keep getting thrown back to "square 1" in lots of ways, so I'm feeling rather square. It's not fun, but I'm going to move with the changing winds lest I get carried away involuntarily!

For some reason, I have what doctors call nodular acne. It's a severe form of acne that causes scarring. It flares up at seemingly random occasions and I don't know why. According to them, it's stress and diet and other typical factors that come into play with this kind of things, and I should be on Accutane. There were no questions on work/diet history that could be altered before throwing a booklet at me on this drug. I was then instructed not to read the information. "If you read it, you won't want to take it and we wouldn't prescribe it to you if it wasn't safe." Um, hi lady- I just met you five minutes ago. How do you know what this drug is going to do to me? It can severely deform or even kill a fetus, you don't want me to be well informed on the possible side effects before I take it, AND I have to be monitored through out the treatment? So I'm at square 1 again and practically left to decide my own course of treatment because anyone else's is either a)too expensive or b)could kill me. I could die quite expensively too, no either/or about it. I never had issues with medications up to last year(or the year before, it might have been) and I don't think I should just accept a medical treatment without looking into it first, even if I can't afford it. So I have some research and thinking and conscious decision-making to do on that part. Now I'm left with these charges using up my health insurance allowance when I had no idea what all was going on. I felt bombarded with it all. Maybe a discussion about it tonight will help settle my mind about which way to go.

I am about to fall asleep! I was supposed to work til 10:30 but with 4 people closing, I left at 9:45. Still didn't get enough sleep when I got up around 5. My alarm clock woke me up before he left. :) I'll be more than ready for bed tonight. Hopefully Ally will too. I'm so happy to have her again. I feel incomplete without her. I hope she'll always know how much I love her and that none of my choices in life affect that love. Our happiness is what matters and I feel like we're happy when we're together. I've found that when you're happy in one aspect of your life, it kind of flows over into other aspects of your life as well. It feels good... Til next time...

"To find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness." ~ Robert Brault