Hiding Away

I'll go ahead and admit it first thing. I've kind of been hiding from the blogosphere these last few days. There are things going on that I pretty much wished would go away, but of course that's not how the world works. My body is handling both emotional pain and physical pain. I'm worn out from faking it until I make it. I feel like I am running in place.

Since last week, I've been thinking about mine and D's relationship. Really, over the past year things have been changing. Just recently, I realized how different we've become. I've gone from self-loathing to being confident enough to apply for a job. I used to be deathly afraid of change. I remember when we lived at the trailer that I didn't even want to leave the house, much less apply for a freaking job. No one was ever going to want or need me, so I might as well not bother trying. Negativity brings negative results. I'm not the same person I was when I got married. Now that I'm starting to feel physically whole, I'm losing the emotional wholeness of our relationship because we're interested in different things and truly have different beliefs.

I never thought I'd ever be working a job. I thought I was happy as a SAHM, but as time went on I realized I wasn't. I love my daughter, but it took a lot for me to get out of bed in the morning and stay awake all day. An outside job does that for me and it makes me feel productive. Any SAHMs out there, don't feel like I'm saying y'all aren't productive and whatnot. These are just my thoughts/feelings about my individual situation. Every one and every situation is different.

I have been a stay at home wife and mom for so long that I guess we got used to it. I don't know that I was ever happy with it because I always felt like I needed a little help in that department even though some thought I shouldn't. Again, every situation is different and I'm entitled to my feelings, plus I know more than anyone else how much my body can handle. Well, it can't handle a full time job and a house. Quite frankly, it shouldn't have to. A marriage is two people, not one. If I need some extra hands, then they should be there. While they have been around, they haven't been moving much. Sarcasm can be cute, but when you use it too much... Things get old. We had a serious talk Saturday morning. Well, I talked and he listened. No comments from him. It felt like I poured my heart out for nothing. Even more so when I asked if he would help me clean up the house for my family's Easter gathering and his response was, "I don't know." So I didn't even bother with it that night because you know how when you get tired, you end up getting over emotional? That would've been me! I just went to sleep and started on it the next morning. Got it all done practically by myself until it got down to the wire and he picked up a few things off the table, then started on the dishes while I was out to the store. That's great and all, but it'd be even better if I knew it would last. I don't know though and I don't know where to go from here. I feel like he needs to learn how to do things himself and he can't do that with me always picking up the pieces around here. I really got no reaction at all until I started rejecting his affections toward me. Like I said, physically we're fine but I feel emotionally disconnected. I want to do things that he would absolutely NOT want to do.

Tough cookies. Harsh reality. It's where I am right now. I don't like "airing my dirty laundry" or whatnot, but y'all deserve to know what's going on if it's going to affect my posts like it has. There it is. Now, losing weight isn't going to ruin your marriage. I thought I should throw that out there. When I got with D, I was 15 and had just gone through a serious incident that pretty much left me damaged. D would even tell you himself that I was a bit whacked out back then. Angry, upset over the tiniest things, easily annoyed. Like I said(again, I know you're getting tired of it lol), individual situations. This is mine. Whew.

I have 3 minutes to get my lunch together... I only hope my car defrosts good enough for me to drive off this morning. Wednesday is almost here, so I hope today goes by as fast as yesterday. Talk about a blur. Til next time, thoughts and prayers for me to be guided in the right direction...