I'm here off schedule again. I get a bit off key when stressful things are going on. Slowly I get back to reality and creep in to talk(type) it out in my corner of the WWW.
David and I got together in summer of 2001. I was damaged by a previous experience. I don't think I even realized how it had hurt me at the time. I went from a bad situation to an immediate attachment. D's a good guy. I'm not denying that or attempting to make it appear that he's not. What happened to me led me down a path of depression/anxiety and D probably kept me alive. Yes, I used to be suicidal. I used to have it bad. It might be surprising to some, but I even tried to once. All I got was one hell of a rough night with chills and a cold sweat. Suicide equals even more pain and is not an answer to your problems. I'm very proud to say that those thoughts no longer control my mind and my hands no longer urge to scar my body. I was a cutter too. Part of my self-destructive behavior as my counselor referred to it. That's where I started.
I can only dictate what I have heard about D's past. He's not a big talker and has also been through traumatizing things that could possibly be blocked out of his memory. I know y'all know that sometimes trauma causes people to repress certain memories as a defense mechanism. Between the trauma and his mom trying to make up for his father not being around, he grew up with certain expectations. Often times I would feel like he wanted me to be like his mother-take care of everything. I'm simply too tired, always have been. It's not something I can explain and even the doctors couldn't find anything wrong. I've expressed my needs for help with him only to be met with sarcasm and disappointment. This got worse when I started working, though I explained to him beforehand that I was going to need his help with the housework. What response did I get? "Nah" or "We'll see how I feel". His inability to EVER be serious with me unless it was dire(and even then he sometimes finds it to be difficult, depending on the situation). Deja vu, I just felt it. I have dreams about things and then I end up realizing that they're happening. Anyway(yep weird), six weeks into working and fatigue going into full blast, Easter gathering was thrown upon us. His sarcasm AFTER I talked to him about it and I was numbed. This is where I truly believe the physical aspects of a relationship can cloud other emotions. Intimacy releases the happy endorphins and IMO only create a fog of fake happiness.
I'm not happy where we were/are. I lost my feelings for him and they went toward someone else(not sure when that happened, but transference of emotions maybe?). I got involved with another person(very briefly, that's over and didn't even start emotionally if you ask me-at least not for the other person). I'm not proud of myself for my poor decisions and lack of self-control, but this is what it is. It didn't help. I didn't think it would. The big phrase there is "I didn't think." I've just been physically sick over everything and nothing but working/Ally make any sense currently. I need space and time to figure it all out, but instead of that I'm really just extremely stressed and sick day in and day out. Ally is sensing it too, so we had to get away and that's why I'm at my parents' house.
I feel guilty too that he's so willing to hold onto me at whatever costs after what I've done(rarity for most guys I'm sure, though he knows the whole story from me and believe me it's too long for type). Call it temporary insanity or whatever you want(just not on here because comments are disabled and if you know me well enough then you know how to contact me through email/facebook). Things take time and I'm going to make sure I take the adequate time/space to accurately figure it out.
Wow, that was exhausting. It's time for Ally's nap and hopefully, I can go out for a walk while she's doing that. She's getting cranky, so I'm sure it's much needed. More to come on "The Days of My Life". Until then... Happy Sunday(and Monday too)!
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