Road Block

I'm a bit on the sleepy side. Not sure why since I slept 7-8 hours last night then napped for about an hour or so this afternoon. I guess it's just me!

With all the stupid decisions I've made lately, I feel like I'm at a road block. Now I'm being directed in which way to go instead of being left to my own devices because what I want to do is so different from what everyone else wants or thinks I need. I can admit that I was wrong. I was wrong quite a few times in my actions. I wasn't using my brain and it has led to a good bit of a stress. Just need to take it as a lesson learned right now and try to figure out the 5 Ws-Who, What, When, Where, Why. My feeling disrespected by D in some ways is part of the why. Stupidity is how I reacted. What sense does it make to go do to him the very thing for which I am upset with him? None. Disrespecting him because I felt like he had been disrespecting me? Childish. I honestly felt so outside of myself during the whole situation that I'm not sure I was thinking clearly at all. Sometimes I'm not sure I've even gotten to that point quite yet. I don't know if anyone is going to understand that currently, but it's how I have felt and feel sometimes. I do feel some improvement in my mind but not completely.

I decided to take a step and made an appointment with Hope Family Ministries for marriage counseling. At least that's what the first appointment is. I expect us to simply go in and explain the situation, then see where they believe we should take it. It's kind of hard to take advice when you already feel like you know what you need to do. The appointment is in three weeks though and I have no where to go currently, so why not? Go and have a chat about it, talk about our feelings, and see if there are any good ones left here. A lot of it feels like resentment and complete lack of trust in each others abilities to change. I do remember trying to change things about him in the past, giving up every time, but going back to it later. No, I never succeeded in changing his habits. I guess I should have noticed that then and thought about whether or not it was something I could live with. Somehow I always seem to be left feeling like I have no where to go! Might be part of the reason why I'd like to try taking care of myself(always includes Ally). Might just be the dose of harsh reality I need to knock me back down to Earth. Either way, I'm working on working it out.

My doctor called yesterday about a possible medication-one I was already on-Cymbalta. She said the bipolar medications are all so expensive that I'd have to wait on getting approval for PPA assistance before I could start taking one. I'm not even sure we can afford Cymbalta with my being uninsured. And the dizziness it caused as a side effect? Just what I need when I'm going to be working around hot grease and a meat slicer. Kind of worries me. I have to try though, right? Other than that one side effect, I felt GREAT on Cymbalta. Maybe forcing fluids/water will help with the dizziness. It's worth a shot anyway though because anything is better than feeling the way I am right now. I know they can give me samples to start, so that will help for a while until I'm working good again.

It's late and I'm ready to lay down. My throat is pretty scratchy, so I'm hoping I'm not coming down with something. Would be my luck when I start work Monday. I will manage. Til next time...