When It's Hard to be Nice

I'm about to get blunt in here. I'm honestly sick of talking about it with anyone and this is MY OUTLET for crying out loud. I should be able to speak the truth as it is from my mind and not be worried about what anyone has to say. Don't like what you've read so far? Look up in the right hand corner of your screen or on the right of your page tab(if you've got more than this page open in your browser) and CLICK THE X. I'm not forcing you to sit here and read this, so don't get your panties in a bunch if you don't exactly like what I have to say. It's from my mind. It's how I feel. Accept it and move on. Don't come crying to me about it because this isn't up for discussion. It is what it is.

When all this drama first started in my life, I was shocked. I had no clue what was about to happen and never in a million years would I have foreseen it happening to me. Story of my life though, I think. After I was through all the craziness and was able to stop and look back... I felt guilty. What did I just do? But it was done and it set the ball in motion for what I think I wanted but couldn't get the courage to do. Being outside the home made me feel purposeful and needed by the world. Sure my daughter needed me to take care of her, but she also needed socialization that she wasn't getting with me as a SAHM. She's not why any of this happened though...

Sometimes little things you do can mean the world to someone else. It's part of the reason why I work so hard to maintain a smile on my face at work. I know someone out there is having a crappy day and maybe my smiling face will give them some kind of hope or feeling of relief for even a split second. I care like that. When someone I care about doesn't really show that they care back, I kind of freak out or rebel if you will. I grew into a more outgoing and open person whereas D remained his usual introvert and careless self...about most things anyway, things that I do tend to care about.

So throughout my change, I realized things that I wanted and didn't want in life, such as the kind of partnership I want(and I mean PARTNERSHIP-not a relationship where one is burdened with most as much as I felt like I was and I admit my view sometimes may have been skewed by my unrelenting fatigue) and how I wish to be spoken to and treated as a person and woman. I don't know, maybe D is that man for someone else but he wasn't being that man for me. More often than not, I am made to feel stupid for being the way that I am. Okay, so I'm a bit ditsy/clumsy/backwards if you will, but that doesn't mean you get sarcastic and speak to me like I'm an idiot. There's a way of explaining things without talking down to someone. I've actually experienced it now! Honestly, it's rather strange to have a conversation with someone who explains things with such ease and depth that it's understandable and not said as if I'm a nuisance to them by not knowing what they know. I'm not used to it, but I like it.

Today for instance was a prime example of getting too comfortable in a relationship(and I do believe that happened too, comfortable and no longer feeling it necessary to dress things up). I realized how great of a "friend" he was being to these other women now that I'm inching out of the picture. He just wants to be a shoulder for one of them to lean on(future relationship with the other one I suppose). Okay, that's great that you want to do that. Where was your shoulder though when I was crying on the opposite couch, trying to explain to you how tired I was and how much I needed your help to maintain the house since I was working my rear off at a full time job(which was a completely new experience, might I add)? I hope it was obvious how tired I was. I know for a fact that I'm not good at hiding my emotions. And the shoulder, where was it when I told you I was raped? I got a smirk from you. Who smirks at that? Yes, I get that you obviously have your own issues as well but no one's stopping you from seeking help. I'm happy we had what we had, but it's simply not what I want or need anymore. I can't take anymore sarcasm or disappointment... Neither road would be easiest to take, so I'm only doing what I feel is right and I feel like I'm being nice by not asking for half of EVERYTHING from you like the state would likely give me in court. I'm honestly trying to be kind and I hope karma pays me back for that. I feel pretty blessed in my life these days, surprisingly enough, so I want continue to be me and be extra kind to those who do care and courteous to those who don't because that's just who I want to be.

I have hard decisions to make. I'm going to do it though. I'm choosing to be the person who makes things happen instead of being the person who watches it happen. I'm probably giving myself less than what some think I should, but it's my choice in hopes of not making things too difficult. It might come back and bite me, but it will be a lesson learned. I just hope it doesn't financially ruin me and leave me stuck in a spot I don't want to be. Ah, worries. Just gotta keep the faith there. I keep getting told how mean I'm being for continually changing my mind about things. Um, hello?? Who is trying to figure things out here? ME! I don't see anyone else making appointments and taking care of this business here, so yeah I learn something new with each venture and knowledge changes things a bit. Sometimes I have to learn the lesson twice or three times over, but I will get it.

That was a lot off my chest. I have an early work day tomorrow(6 am to 3 pm), so I need to try for some sleep. Not sure what I will do when I get off work, been tossing things around in my mind... Those hard decisions... Til next time, friends.