Never Been Normal

A Call from Inside

2011-08-04T16:43:00.001-05:00

It's always nice and comforting to receive a phone call from someone IN PRISON. Now, I suppose if you have a loved one locked away then it may very well be comforting for you. I don't know anyone in prison and the fact that I received a phone call from someone in prison unnerves me a bit.

I used to have this policy: Don't answer unknown numbers and don't call them back. I will say there's an exception to that when it's a local number on a business day or they leave you a voicemail stating their purpose. That's different bc I have more information at hand and am not entering into something blindly that way.

I am proud of myself for stepping outside my usual box and checking the missed call. I'd have missed a notice about Ally's medicaid appointment had I not returned a call from an unknown number once. Businesses should be professional enough to leave voice mails but a lot don't so I took a chance.

A few calls and I finally got contact with someone... They didn't even knew who I was but they didn't want to give up and put me on hold. "Do you know anyone in prison?" *nervous laughter* Neither of us, me nor this unknown man, could figure out why my number was dialed. None of his "homeboys in prison" there knew of me so I shrugged it off as a wrong number. He's from my hometown and didn't want to leave it at that. "You sound happily married" even though I'm just engaged and "I'd like to keep talking to you. I'm locked up, got a cell phone but I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm not gonna try to take you from your man. How can I being locked up? I just want a friend."

I said no and stuck to it. It was just strange. Really made my mind turn over and over about where it could possibly go-unknown number leads to stalking. Yeah, I can get imaginative haha. That had to be the strangest thing to happen to me lately! Til next time...

A Plethora of Changes

2011-07-07T17:52:00.001-05:00

Life changes so quickly. If you're lucky, the changes occur bit by bit and over the course of many steady years... I'm not feeling lucky with the amount of changes happening at one time. I guess I have a bad habit of overlooking the small stuff until it turns into a big pile of...well, big stuff! I'm left wondering, right along with mister fiance, what the hell is wrong here?!

I've been a mix of up and down dealing with girls being here for the summer. Some days are better than others when they're not following our rules. I'm not used to having to remind someone to pick up after themselves every single day. I feel like it's always going to be the same with them every summer. It may change for them but I'm not sure how to get it to change from me. I go from feeling somewhat comfortable to completely disconnected. It's awkward and annoying. I just want to feel okay again.

Then there's the wedding to plan! I can't believe I just typed that. I am getting married next year! The man is great and makes me so happy and has made me see what I want in a relationship and this is it. It has been it from day one but it just took some time to develop, then there's always the adjustment period with everything for me before I realize... Hey, this is actually working. I'm giddy and happy and...in love.

Then I think about work. That is my true uncertainty. Continuing where I am or attempting to go back to college. Really, it would be an and bc I still need my job. I like it some days! Just like everyone, I'm sure, there are ups and downs. I don't like a lot of uncertainty and I guess that's what scares me right now.

Either way, it's time to start saving. I have a lot to think about, a lot of decisions to make, and I guess maybe...just maybe...nothing but time.

Genetics

2011-04-16T00:20:00.000-05:00

As much as my mom used to scream at me, "You're just like your daddy!" I realized I'm a lot like her too. Things tend to run in families and a huge part of my every day issues is something that literally took my mom down today. My dad seems to have similar issues as well. What a pattern.

I've talked about my diagnosis of IBS. Got it years ago. My mom was diagnosed with something similar to that today and I'm wondering if it could be part of my problem too. I've never been disabled by the pain though. This episode of pain she went through was awful... I hope it doesn't happen again. I have no idea what could have happened if one thing had gone differently with the day, if we hadn't been there for her... Ugh, not a topic for my mind to wander with.

Ulcerative Colitis is an inflammatory bowel disease. Symptoms of it that you don't get with IBS includes things like anemia, loss of appetite(don't quite agree with this one bc I have it occasionally though I've not been tested for either the syndrome or the disease), and fever. I'm not sure she had any of these. She has a history of anemia and IBS, so I guess it makes sense. It's not immediately life threatening, but I'm super paranoid and of course worry incessantly when there's no need. What will be will be, let's just hope it's the path we want to see...within reason of course. I can't stop the world from turning!

Maybe one day I'll be able to get some tests done and know for sure which one I'm truly dealing with. For now, I just take it a day at a time and try to manage it as best I can with the least amount of stress. Yeah, that's easy. :P I'm glad that after today, I have tomorrow off too. I feel exhausted in so many ways right now that I wasn't going to be ready anyway.

Speaking of the word "exhausted"... It's 12:13 am on my clock currently and I'm thinking, "Why am I still awake?" Gotten out of the groove since Tim went back to work. He's not here to nudge me to bed!! Four nights and one day or something like that and we'll be back to semi-normal. That's all we can ask for in our lives, semi-normal!! :) So I'm gonna do what I'd rather not and face the pillows without him and he can wake me when he gets home in the morning...unless Alayna beats him to it. Time will tell. Til next time...

“We are driven by five genetic needs: survival, love/belonging, power, freedom, and fun.”
~ William Glasser

Love and Scheduling

2011-04-09T11:58:00.000-05:00

Not much going on in my little world lately. I just ended my week with Ally yesterday. I feel like it was a good one. Fewer mornings of leaving her crying at the daycare, which was a relief for me. That part of our time tears my heart to pieces, so it felt great to get her up and have breakfast then get her to the daycare. Seems like she adjusted a little better having that extra time with me in the mornings.

Work is a little difficult. I have an alternating schedule that I deal with partly for myself and partly for the company. They need me at these hours and I get a little less time moseying around town til I have to go in. Before, I'd be waiting around town for 5 hours before it was time to start work. It's not completely ideal right now, but it's somewhat better. Now that it's my off week without Ally, I'm working evening shifts so I'm home til an hour before I have to be there. Much better than sitting around T-town with no where to go. Gets tempting to spend money, I tell you. :P

My love life is wonderful. Our schedules tend to collide with each other, where he's working when I'm off and vice versa. We've done good getting through it, I think. I'm not gonna lie; It's hard to manage dealing with the fact that you're living with this person yet you've literally just gone DAYS without seeing him. That's just weird!! The best part about this day and time is the availability of communicating in other ways though. We're in constant contact when we can't be together, so there's always a way to let one another know that we're missed and loved. Yay! Lol.

I'm surprised by the change in my attitude and behavior since getting together with him. I'm not on the depression/anxiety meds anymore. I'm not overly angry or short-tempered all the time. I'm extremely happy to be off the meds. The effects from long-term use was always a worry in the back of my mind, especially when you're required to get liver testing periodically due to it. I'm still getting the achy all over and fatigue that I've always had that no one can seem to figure out. Maybe I just need some kind of light exercise to do every other day or something to get moving a little. Doing nothing with your body can hurt it. I remember feeling pretty good when I was active on a regular basis. Makes sense.

My weight remains steady at 170. It's been there for a while. I'm watching it now and wanting to get that back down a little. Twenty pounds would be a reasonable goal in my mind. I don't think I'll ever want to be perfectly thin/svelte. I mean, who wouldn't love that? I'm not going to set my sights on an unreasonable goal though and from where I've been, that's just not going to happen. I've come a long way, baby, and I'm satisfied with that much! I do need to reevaluate and set up some recent goals for myself simply for overall well-being.

So, lose 20 pounds and feel better all over. I have the time tomorrow. I'll aim for a 20 minute walk or 20 minutes of that and something else mixed in. My jump rope is around here some where. Lol. If I happen to have an afternoon with Ally, I can let her ride around on her tricycle while I exercise. Anything is possible. Til next time...

"One must learn a different... sense of time, one that depends more on small amounts than big ones." ~Sister Mary Paul

Squares.

2011-04-01T17:36:00.000-05:00

I opted to use a shape as my title today. I keep getting thrown back to "square 1" in lots of ways, so I'm feeling rather square. It's not fun, but I'm going to move with the changing winds lest I get carried away involuntarily!

For some reason, I have what doctors call nodular acne. It's a severe form of acne that causes scarring. It flares up at seemingly random occasions and I don't know why. According to them, it's stress and diet and other typical factors that come into play with this kind of things, and I should be on Accutane. There were no questions on work/diet history that could be altered before throwing a booklet at me on this drug. I was then instructed not to read the information. "If you read it, you won't want to take it and we wouldn't prescribe it to you if it wasn't safe." Um, hi lady- I just met you five minutes ago. How do you know what this drug is going to do to me? It can severely deform or even kill a fetus, you don't want me to be well informed on the possible side effects before I take it, AND I have to be monitored through out the treatment? So I'm at square 1 again and practically left to decide my own course of treatment because anyone else's is either a)too expensive or b)could kill me. I could die quite expensively too, no either/or about it. I never had issues with medications up to last year(or the year before, it might have been) and I don't think I should just accept a medical treatment without looking into it first, even if I can't afford it. So I have some research and thinking and conscious decision-making to do on that part. Now I'm left with these charges using up my health insurance allowance when I had no idea what all was going on. I felt bombarded with it all. Maybe a discussion about it tonight will help settle my mind about which way to go.

I am about to fall asleep! I was supposed to work til 10:30 but with 4 people closing, I left at 9:45. Still didn't get enough sleep when I got up around 5. My alarm clock woke me up before he left. :) I'll be more than ready for bed tonight. Hopefully Ally will too. I'm so happy to have her again. I feel incomplete without her. I hope she'll always know how much I love her and that none of my choices in life affect that love. Our happiness is what matters and I feel like we're happy when we're together. I've found that when you're happy in one aspect of your life, it kind of flows over into other aspects of your life as well. It feels good... Til next time...

"To find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness." ~ Robert Brault

ADT Security Systems

2011-03-30T12:10:00.000-05:00

Bowling and Skating

Written by Sherri Hicks

The thing I like most about Yerba Buena is that while the girls go skating, the guys get to go bowling. It's a little get together that we have every Saturday with the eight of us who live together in the house. Sometimes we only stop by for an hour or two and other times we're their all day. Some leave early and some leave late. But the nice thing is we always go together.

Usually we wake up around 11 A.M., get ready to leave, set the home security alarm from securitychoice.com, stop by the dorms to pick up any of our friends who wanted to come with and then go grab some brunch. After brunch, we make our way over to Yerba Buena and the groups divide up. Nine times out of ten the girls go skating and the guys go bowling. Though every once in awhile people switch up. I hate skating with a passion and always go bowling. We used to break off into teams with the loser paying for the following outings games, but the price is rather expensive for a lane on Saturdays. After the first few times, we realized that wasn't going to work and so we usually split the cost between all the players. That's also the reason we never play past 5 P.M. since the price of a lane jumps at that time.

Stupid Weather

2011-03-27T00:15:00.000-05:00

Today was my mom's birthday! I called her about borrowing a cooler and dropped a happy birthday on her then. I was happy to find out later that she and my dad had decided to go out. Even if it's something small, I feel like everyone should treat themselves one way or another. Doesn't even have to be your birthday!! Treats are good for lots of occasions. :)

I'm kind of bored right now, sitting here alone with YouTube going on 90s hits(thanks to a 30 day song challenge going around on Facebook that I just cannot participate in because my music interests are so undefinitive-I'm gonna google that-yay me!), and listening to the thunder. I'm thankful that Ally hasn't woken up yet. This isn't my weekend with her, but I'm off and I have her... Something else I'm very thankful for. Tim thought up this cook out idea to get the family together, so we got it planned for Sunday and asked to have Ally for it. I think she's been enjoying the extra time together. It's hard when I work like I do. The weather's being yucky and I'm wondering how things are going to go tomorrow...

I am so stiff and sore lately. I have this stupid rash on my thumb, mostly my right thumb but on a few other fingers. My sleeping patterns are wacky again. I can't tell you how many hours I slept the other day... It was a lot. I slept the night before, part of the day with Tim, then 9 hours the following night. It's crazy, but I felt more rested then than I had in a while. Still stiff as a board...

I worry about Ally. She seems to be like me with all these sensitivies. Poor girl was all red after her bath. I've stopped using the bubble bath. Boy, does she hate that!! Just doing the cream that was previously prescribed and getting new...WHITE...undies. Do you know how hard it is to find white undies for a girl?! Omg. Ugh. I don't care what anyone says. Kids in general are hard. Forget the "This gender is worse!" argument. No. It's all a hot mess. We love them nonetheless and with all our hearts.

Stupid weather. Stupid achy joints. How old am I, 80? Come on. Yawn, roar. Hoping for a quiet rest of the night. It'll be good to see everyone tomorrow and have the kids running around together again. Hopefully everyone enjoys themselves regardless of where the weather leads us. Til next time...

"To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else."
~Emily Dickinson

Unexpected Obstacles

2011-03-21T14:48:00.000-05:00

I say unexpected but I know these things are going to happen with me because of habits. I forget things... Things that should be common sense and easily avoidable.

I was pretty sure I wouldn't have the money to return to the doctor about my skin issues(suspected contact dermatitis), so when I got my insurance card I left it out on the coffee table. Now I can't find it. Tim tried to tell me to put it in my checkbook, but I said something along the lines of, "Why? It's not going to help me any if I don't have the money to go!"

I tried to go today. Didn't have my insurance card. Now I can't find it! Figures. Tis the month for that kinda thing though. See, I should have expected then and then I would have been able to say to myself, "Uh-huh, you were right!" Maybe by tomorrow, I'll have it figured out and can work on myself...

I had Ally checked out by her doctor at least. No more bubble bath/stuff due to sensitivty and her cough is just a little cold. I did have to give her some cough syrup earlier because the cough was keeping her awake from her nap. I still don't think it helped her nap any.

Boring day today, looking forward to my weekend off after these next few days of work. Going to try to get the family together for some food and stuff. We'll see how that goes... Now I need a nap. Man. Til next time...

"Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task."
~ William James

I am the almighty and powerful; Bow before me!

2011-03-17T09:20:00.000-05:00

Have you ever blamed someone else for your own actions? Truly believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that another person controlled your mind and movements? Well, Confucius says... No, I'm just kidding with that. Come on, though. Really? What made you say that? "Little boy John jedi mind-tricked his way into my head and made me say that." Or maybe... "Little girl Jane grabbed my arm and made me hit her." Oh no, that doesn't sound crazy at all!

Life is full of choices. I didn't stand behind you with two fingers clenching your nose, a hand under your chin so that I could move my hands up and down to open your mouth, and mutter from behind you in a squeaky voice, [insert stupid comment here]. You CHOSE to say it. Sometimes we choose before we think, but I am not so almighty and powerful that I can make anyone do or say anything(I'd be making more money if I was!). Admit it and own it(tactfully, like an adult, of course) for crying out loud or keep a lid on it. /rant

March has been a month of mayhem for me. Tim and I moved into our apartment the end of last month, so we were out a chunk of money for first month's rent and all kinds of deposits(apartment, lights, water). I'm honestly finding it difficult to figure my finances out. That doesn't surprise me but it is a little disconcerting. I just have to find my own groove with it though. I'm not one of those braniacs who can do everything in their heads. ;) I'm a hands on, look at it in black and white, kind of gal. That's just the way it is. I've also discovered that I've lost a lot this month, some things I didn't even realize. Going to make an attempt to work on that today. Kind of hard considering that I just moved and may not have the proper papers to get it cleared up just yet. Baby steps...one at a time.

I've racked my brain enough on the finance front and I'm not getting any further here. It's time to find a bite to eat and head out. Told my mom I'd see her today and I plan on doing that. Til next time...

“Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.”
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

St. Patrick's Day & Just... Life!

2011-03-16T13:41:00.000-05:00

Are people gearing up for Saint Patrick's Day? Or is it just extra busy out because it's Spring Break? I don't know, but I'm ready for my day off tomorrow... Saint Patrick's Day! It literally snuck up on me. Honestly. I just realized less than two minutes ago that tomorrow is in fact Saint Patrick's Day. It's also an old high school friend's bday. I haven't talked to him in I don't know how many years!! Some things you never forget... Interesting.

I've been having weird dreams lately. Maybe it's a bit of a guilty conscience(no, I don't have any qualms about admitting that I feel guilt but no one's going to take advantage of that) and silent worries that truly require no discussion right now. One dream involved my ex-husband and an ex-acquaintance. They were walking together on a pier with my daughter, talking amongst themselves, while I was on the outside feeling a sense of urgency to be noticed and included in the activities but they acted like I wasn't there. I will say I have this fear of losing my daughter, not physically but in an emotional way. We're all still adjusting and she's 3, always testing her limits, and no one truly knows what goes on elsewhere yet everyone attests to their own proper disciplinary actions. Last night, I had a dream that I went to the hospital for testing on the IBS issues and came out with a results sheet that also tested 2 out of 3 positive for pregnancy. I won't get into exactly how that word is highly unlikely to come up in my "life here and now" vocabulary, but I decided to look it up in my dream dictionary: "May refer to a desire for a child; a new area of your potential or personality developing". Okay, desire... Maybe biologically, but mentally and physically... No. I know that much lol. I remember everything I went through with Ally and while I wouldn't give that back for the world, I am hesitant to go through it again. This is where I mention my boyfriend and how helpful I know he would be through life situations like that and how sad I am that I couldn't have met him sooner, yada yada, but I've never mentioned him here... How's that for a transition?

My divorce was final on December 1. Should have been final by the end of October, but could've been/should've been. Oh well. The time between leaving my marriage and meeting my boyfriend was...worth forgetting. I went blank at was and thought, "Yeah, that pretty much sums it up." Just leave it. I talked with Tim online for about a month before our first date on December 17th. If he ever forgets that, he's a sad sap because it's the day before his daughter's birthday. :P Thinking back on that day, he didn't seem like my type at all. As we talked, that all changed. It reminds me of this Marilyn Monroe quote, "If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything." Pretty sure I began falling for him the very day I met him. I had fears/uncertainties just like everyone does, but you choose to look past them for the sake of it all, closing your eyes and taking a leap of faith. The happiness I have with him erases a lot of the troubles I've had in the past and makes me want to be a better person. It's completely cliche, but I'm okay with that because it's true for both of us. It's not like I'm in denial and making it up on my end. He feels it too. Oh no, we're both in denial! Lol. We have a strange connection to each other that we've not felt before. We've always called it strange, wonderfully strange because there's nothing strange about it being wonderful. It's great and we're settling into living our lives together now, catching any moment we can to spend it together. It's the kind of love I wish for everyone else that I honestly never expected to experience myself. I need this reminder for myself when I have those days where nothing seems to go right. I have this and my baby girl...

Speaking of Miss Allybug herself, I hear from her dad that she has gotten her first disciplinary note from daycare. She kept getting out of her seat during "preschool". Seems that she is acting out a bit lately on both ends. She's also become quite the storyteller in the worst way possible. Could be something she's watching on tv. I mean, the daycare allows slapstick cartoons like Spongebob and such which is kind of violent for kids her age. I'm not sure how to approach it to keep her from getting someone in trouble by saying they're hitting her and making sure she knows she can come to mommy and daddy if someone truly is hurting her. Our first tough situation that needs to be addressed. Ahh, parenthood. Any tips or advice is welcome on this one. I'll get to pick her up Saturday afternoon and will have to sit her down for a talk about it.

It's almost time for me to go, so I need to check out of the web and check in with my flat iron steaming on the bathroom counter after I get myself dressed for work. More thoughts and ramblings to come from me at a later time. Til then...

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
~ Marilyn Monroe

Hiding Under a Rock

2011-03-15T11:10:00.000-05:00

It's been seven months since my last post and honestly, I've come to a realization that I'm not just living under a rock. I'm hiding under one. Last year wasn't my best. Hell, I'm tempted to say it was the worst I've had overall. It's like you have a day when twenty things go wrong along with one thing going right. A freaking tornado with one single ray of sunshine. You're just left standing in awe at the end and thinking, "What the hell."

You don't know how hard it is for me to type this blog post. Really? These are my words. It's my life. Who's to say anything about it? It's my place to get it out. That was why I stopped posting before. The comments and opinions got to be too much for me. Not that I couldn't handle them, just the mere fact that there was always something going on. I want simplicity back. I want to come together after the hard times. I'm naive to wish such things right now.

I made a million mistakes last year. I'm not ignoring that fact. I'm not pleased that I made the mistakes. The fact of the matter is, I can't go back and change it now...as much as I wish my thinking cap hadn't gotten blown slap off the top of my head... It did. Every day, I deal with that whether it's deep down inside or up front and on the surface. Believe me, it has been up front and on the surface too. I have things that set me off. Little things that no one else would give a second thought send me into closed-up emotional distress. Sometimes it even takes some thought in my own mind to figure it out. That's why I got back into counseling. I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I didn't know how to cope. I'm still trying to learn.

So I'm a bit of a rambling woman today. This is my re-entry into the blog posting world and I'm not going to let anyone stop me. It's my venture, my choice, and my prerogative. Another update on life, coming soon. Til then...

"...I can only have peace of mind when I forgive rather than judge."
~ Gerald Jampolsky

Black Cherry

2010-08-12T21:21:00.000-05:00

I've been living under a rock! That rock is named Wal-Mart because that is most of my life currently. Shaken and stirred yet again today though.

I thought D was going to pick Ally up yesterday evening, but that didn't happen. I was working a late shift, 2-10:30 pm, and had to come in at 9 the next day. I was up a little late texting but I got some sleep and felt good when I woke up/got showered. Got Ally up and dressed, poptart in hand, and away we went. I felt like I was making good time and would be able to drop her off, then get to work and speak with a manager(God help with all the little oopsies I make at work!) before starting my workday. I take the exit for Ally's daycare probably going about 55-60 and I notice that traffic entering the boulevard is getting backed up. I think "Wow, glad I'm not in that lane. I need to be in this one anyway." Next thing I know, this jeep comes over in front of me and I realize I'm about to hit them so I slam on my brakes. All I hear is sqealing and crash! I truly felt nor heard anything else. Being in an accident is an odd thing. I swear I tried to swerve and miss the jeep, but I don't recall my car swerving. I know I glanced down as I turned my steering wheel but my car didn't seem to react. The cops were called, claims were filed, everyone was okay and we were all on our way. So I thought... My car wouldn't crank. Called my family and couldn't get anyone with the policeman waiting for me to confirm that I had someone coming to get us, so I called the next person I could think of who was in the vicinity and that was my coworker/friend Marcus who was thankfully willing and able to help me out. He got us to Ally's daycare then got me to work. I felt fine up until a few hours later. The soreness started to set in. Tylenol and continue. I'm a bit of a workaholic now!

Come to find out, the only thing wrong with my car so far other than the obvious jacked up bumper(and passenger door that won't open now thanks to that) was that the impact knocked a battery cable or something loose. That's all! She cranked right up after fixing that. I say "she" because she has a name. I call her... Black Cherry. lol I'm serious! :) My coworkers are often surprised by my cheerful exterior when I have so much going on in my life that could bring anyone down. Honestly, it feels a lot better to be happy and accepting of life's obstacles than to dwell and become depressed over it. I know my attitude may help someone else feel better too through out their day, so I really try.

Now I am feeling super duper exhausted and ready for bed. I work 7-4 pm tomorrow and I am feeling the soreness. Just going to pray that I make it through the next few work days til I get my break on Monday. If not before then, I plan to see my doctor at that point. I'm sure it's just soreness from the impact, so I'm not all that worried about it currently. With my hours for the next few days, I don't have time to wait hours and hours in the ER. Forget that! My poor Black Cherry has been through so much yet she's still kicking lol. Liability isn't going to fix her up either, so she might have to look a little rugged for a while!! ;) Til next time everyone. I'm so sleepy and tired...

When It's Hard to be Nice

2010-07-31T23:12:00.000-05:00

I'm about to get blunt in here. I'm honestly sick of talking about it with anyone and this is MY OUTLET for crying out loud. I should be able to speak the truth as it is from my mind and not be worried about what anyone has to say. Don't like what you've read so far? Look up in the right hand corner of your screen or on the right of your page tab(if you've got more than this page open in your browser) and CLICK THE X. I'm not forcing you to sit here and read this, so don't get your panties in a bunch if you don't exactly like what I have to say. It's from my mind. It's how I feel. Accept it and move on. Don't come crying to me about it because this isn't up for discussion. It is what it is.

When all this drama first started in my life, I was shocked. I had no clue what was about to happen and never in a million years would I have foreseen it happening to me. Story of my life though, I think. After I was through all the craziness and was able to stop and look back... I felt guilty. What did I just do? But it was done and it set the ball in motion for what I think I wanted but couldn't get the courage to do. Being outside the home made me feel purposeful and needed by the world. Sure my daughter needed me to take care of her, but she also needed socialization that she wasn't getting with me as a SAHM. She's not why any of this happened though...

Sometimes little things you do can mean the world to someone else. It's part of the reason why I work so hard to maintain a smile on my face at work. I know someone out there is having a crappy day and maybe my smiling face will give them some kind of hope or feeling of relief for even a split second. I care like that. When someone I care about doesn't really show that they care back, I kind of freak out or rebel if you will. I grew into a more outgoing and open person whereas D remained his usual introvert and careless self...about most things anyway, things that I do tend to care about.

So throughout my change, I realized things that I wanted and didn't want in life, such as the kind of partnership I want(and I mean PARTNERSHIP-not a relationship where one is burdened with most as much as I felt like I was and I admit my view sometimes may have been skewed by my unrelenting fatigue) and how I wish to be spoken to and treated as a person and woman. I don't know, maybe D is that man for someone else but he wasn't being that man for me. More often than not, I am made to feel stupid for being the way that I am. Okay, so I'm a bit ditsy/clumsy/backwards if you will, but that doesn't mean you get sarcastic and speak to me like I'm an idiot. There's a way of explaining things without talking down to someone. I've actually experienced it now! Honestly, it's rather strange to have a conversation with someone who explains things with such ease and depth that it's understandable and not said as if I'm a nuisance to them by not knowing what they know. I'm not used to it, but I like it.

Today for instance was a prime example of getting too comfortable in a relationship(and I do believe that happened too, comfortable and no longer feeling it necessary to dress things up). I realized how great of a "friend" he was being to these other women now that I'm inching out of the picture. He just wants to be a shoulder for one of them to lean on(future relationship with the other one I suppose). Okay, that's great that you want to do that. Where was your shoulder though when I was crying on the opposite couch, trying to explain to you how tired I was and how much I needed your help to maintain the house since I was working my rear off at a full time job(which was a completely new experience, might I add)? I hope it was obvious how tired I was. I know for a fact that I'm not good at hiding my emotions. And the shoulder, where was it when I told you I was raped? I got a smirk from you. Who smirks at that? Yes, I get that you obviously have your own issues as well but no one's stopping you from seeking help. I'm happy we had what we had, but it's simply not what I want or need anymore. I can't take anymore sarcasm or disappointment... Neither road would be easiest to take, so I'm only doing what I feel is right and I feel like I'm being nice by not asking for half of EVERYTHING from you like the state would likely give me in court. I'm honestly trying to be kind and I hope karma pays me back for that. I feel pretty blessed in my life these days, surprisingly enough, so I want continue to be me and be extra kind to those who do care and courteous to those who don't because that's just who I want to be.

I have hard decisions to make. I'm going to do it though. I'm choosing to be the person who makes things happen instead of being the person who watches it happen. I'm probably giving myself less than what some think I should, but it's my choice in hopes of not making things too difficult. It might come back and bite me, but it will be a lesson learned. I just hope it doesn't financially ruin me and leave me stuck in a spot I don't want to be. Ah, worries. Just gotta keep the faith there. I keep getting told how mean I'm being for continually changing my mind about things. Um, hello?? Who is trying to figure things out here? ME! I don't see anyone else making appointments and taking care of this business here, so yeah I learn something new with each venture and knowledge changes things a bit. Sometimes I have to learn the lesson twice or three times over, but I will get it.

That was a lot off my chest. I have an early work day tomorrow(6 am to 3 pm), so I need to try for some sleep. Not sure what I will do when I get off work, been tossing things around in my mind... Those hard decisions... Til next time, friends.

Summing up two weeks?

2010-07-28T01:03:00.004-05:00

Impossible! Things at home are the same as they were two weeks ago. Well, I suppose there have been a few minor changes. I am making an attempt to get the ball rolling and get things done. I'm the only one doing so. Kind of disappointing, but it is what it is and I'm going to continue to try until I am able to get anything and slowly everything accomplished.

I met a friend over the weekend. I started chatting with people on this website probably around 2 months ago and I was talking with this guy ever since then. I don't jump into anything I'm unsure of, so I didn't agree to meet him until this past weekend. He actually moved himself and his little boy up state from the coast due to the oil spill. They went through the whole Katrina thing too and helped a family get back on their feet by giving them a place to stay rent/worry free. Anyway, he bought this little cabin in the woods, right outside of a state park. It was small and cozy(he has plans for that), pretty convenient to anything you might need... Well, other than a cell phone signal lol. You just have to go out to stand on top of a vehicle for that! ;) That's the beauty of getting away to a place of refuge though where you're somewhat cut off from the rest of the world and electronic distractions. I was comfortable as soon as I arrived and I took that as a good sign. I was surprised, but I allowed myself to relax. Upon waking, he made breakfast and we went shopping. What a little Wal-Mart!! Adorable little country Wal-Mart. Lunch and nap time, then out to the lake for a bit. His little boy wanted to fish, but he's such a water lover that he went right into the lake! I sat at the edge and breathed the fresh air, let the wind blow my cares away, watched my friend catch a few little fish and threw them at his son lol. We had to head back to the cabin for dinner, which was grilled hawaiian marinated pork chops with green beans and macaroni. Yummy! He cooked and picked up the dishes after dinner, then we sat down to watch movies. I got to watch one I had never seen before but had heard about shortly after I started working. It's called The Boondock Saints and it was great! I was glad and surprised he had it in his DVD stash. What luck! It was unexpected. The next day, he had to take care of some business outside, so I was left to sleep in and then it was coffee and book while he tore down wood from an old deck and his son threw rocks down a hill. Later we drove around for a new tire and a push mower. While he worked on the outside, I put his son down for a nap on the couch(he fell asleep on me really lol), then I fixed myself a grilled cheese(on italian bread-really good!), and washed the previous night's dinner dishes. Back out to the lake! This time I decided I was going to get into the water! Put my swimsuit on and we headed out there. Only took a couple of minutes-the good part about living literally right on the outside of a park entrance. I did take a few pictures of my view...

By lakeside...

A view as we were on our way out due to thunder and lightning...

My friend cooked spaghetti with chopped smoked sausage for dinner. Delicious. And remember the old deck I said he was tearing down earlier in the day? He piled all that old wood up and...

Awesome fire! The drive back was much easier than the drive there. I think I was so distracted and frazzled on the way up that I completely missed my turn and ended up in Alabama lol. Note to self: No more NOS energy drinks unless I'm going to be moving around! I found my exits with ease on the way back though, thankfully, since it was raining a little. That was my adventure outside of work. This week it's back to the grind, working M-F then off Sat, work Sun, off Mon, then work Tues/Wed, then off Thurs, work Fri... Blah, all mixed up. Gotta deal with it though... Gonna be a while til I catch another break like that again! Til next time!

Food for Thought

2010-07-15T22:43:00.000-05:00

Today was the first day I've ever pulled my car over in order to simply WRITE IT DOWN. I had never done that before... Not that I can think of anyway. I was on my way home and it came to me. Granted it wasn't this whole thing that I'm about to type out but it was the start of it and I finished it tonight.

Don't worry about seeing me around.
I won't be out parading my sorrow.
I've been hiding my face since the first rain drop came down.
It may hide the tears, the one sign of my pain that you do know
But the pain will continue to ember deep inside.
Time heals all wounds but how can I believe what they say
After all the many times I tried and tried
Only to find that life around me continues to crumble more every day.
I refuse to give up and lose this volunteered fight.
I know I've made mistakes and I accept those as my past
But I won't let it control my future and I do know wrong from right.
I may have been knocked down but I have faith that I'm one who's built to rise above and last.

I got up after 6:30 this morning, shortly before 7, with the intentions of heading down to my parents house for part of the day. Surprise call and invite to my sister's sonogram where we discovered her womb leech(I was just thinking of you, Jenny lol) had reached 7 lbs 10 oz now at 37 weeks. Awesome. Talks of induction, setting a date next week, so that's exciting!

Other news, my niece Megan turns 11 this weekend! Happy Birthday, Megan! I hate that I have to work, but I plan to go straight over there afterward to see her and all the goodies. Maybe they will save me some cake lol.

I got a new phone today. My LG Xenon kept messing up and after having it replaced 3 or 4 times, they finally decided(after much upset over whether or not I had actually had a brand replacement all bc they sent me a blue one when the original red I had was out of stock) to send me another brand. I picked a Samsung Impression. Seems as though I have luck with NOTHING. It keeps sticking to No Sim Mode even though I KNOW I have my sim card in there. Can't figure out how to get it to the regular mode or whatever. Fun times.

I'm thankful Ally went to bed rather easily tonight. She had a good time in the pool at her Nana and Pawpaw's. She had two packs of fruit snacks(she was hungry on the way home lol), then ate a banana and some yogurt. It was so funny when we got home because I asked her what kind of yogurt she wanted-strawberry or peach? She said, "Orange!" Haha, I had to ask her three times before she told me peach and she ate all of it too. Good foods for her to be into though. :) Now I'm tired and should try to get some sleep. Huh, I just had cat eyes glaring at me in the dark. Cool. I have to be at work by 7 am and I have a feeling someone else in the house is going to have issues waking up in the morning. I will probably be asleep when he gets home. I hope because I sure need it. All I need is for tomorrow through out Sunday to just go WHOOSH! Time for another break then lol. Til next time...

Whoa, Nelly!

2010-07-13T20:26:00.000-05:00

I think I'm going to end up resorting to once a week posts on here if I keep losing my breath. So much is going on and I'm simply trying to take it day by day. People expect me to know things and I just don't remember them lol.

Today was a busy day. Well, really it's been this week so far. I've been having trouble sleeping lately. I'm hoping it will work itself out soon though. I went out to the thrift store last night after Ally went to bed(so I wouldn't miss night night hugs and kisses). A friend met up with me later and we talked for a while. He told me some things he felt like a good woman should expect from other people. Pretty much don't take crap from anybody, if you give someone a chance and they continue to disappoint then get rid of them or don't give them anymore chances, and don't throw yourself under the bus for someone else. I tried to at work even though I shouldn't have. I'm a nice person and I wanted to take responsibility for my actions even though the job is a group effort. It's not just "my job", it's "our job" as department associates to work together to get it done right. I did my best with the time I had(even some extra without getting in trouble for working too many hours without taking a lunch). Now I know possible actions if the problem ever arises again.

Ugh, today! I went in at 10 and man, it seemed to be going by so slow! The mid-shift nearly always seems like that though in the beginning. It started to pick up after my first break since it was lunch time then. I ended up being by myself for 30-40 minutes. I actually had a guy get annoyed and leave. I only have two hands and I have to be fair about who was there first. I hated it, but it was what it was. I was doing my job the best I could while I was alone. I was going to go to lunch at 2 when the next person started their shift, but again things got busy so I stuck around til the last minute and took my lunch at 2:50.

I had been walking around all quiet and stuff, so as soon as I got in my car I turned my music up and grooved it on my way home for lunch lol. That lunch hour seems so much shorter when you have to make a drive home. At least for me anyway bc I'm not 5 minutes from home like some people. Double that or a little more depending on how high the level of traffic is. I did okay for breakfast, having two sausage egg and cheese burritos, but lunch was a disaster. Didn't feel like ANYTHING. I had a strawberry banana yogurt and a bowl of ice cream with Hershey's syrup on top lol. So healthy. I had to write out our water bill when I got here bc it's due in a few days. D is going to have to start taking notice of when these things are due or it's going to go downhill fast when I'm not taking care of it anymore. It seemed like I only had about 30 minutes to sit and eat before I had to head out again. I was enjoying the drive and singing/rocking out to the radio. Yes, dork! :p I had scare on my way back into work though. I admit I was following too close to the truck in front of me, maybe like half a car's length at 55 mph when I noticed them veer into the other lane with an SUV coming from the other direction. I thought for sure I was about to be involved in a 3 car accident. I gasped and all like I was watching an accident happen right before me. I honestly thought it was going too. That's how close it was to happening. Maybe a split second and the driver realized they were on the wrong side of the road and swerved back over. Goodness. Scare of the day.

I was happy when I got back to work. I took a late lunch and an hour got taken off my shift for staying late yesterday(we were short handed because of the schedule being weirdly done), so I got to remove an hour from my next two days shifts. Yeeeeah! Love it since it is the hardest shift for me, 9 am to 6 pm. It seems to go by slow for me. Anyway, I found upon my re-arrival that when I left my coworker to work all by herself, I had forgotten to turn the sink off(it was thawing some nugget sauce) and it overflowed before she could get to it so there was a mess. I worked on that and grabbed the fan from where we typically have it plugged up and moved it forward a few outlets to help dry up what the aprons didn't get up. Shortly after that, the lights started flickering around us. I looked out and noticed it was ONLY the deli lights doing it. I yelled at my coworker to turn the fan off because we had never used that outlet and I worried that it might be the issue. By the time she got to it, the power had gone out so the fan was off. A lot of other things were off too...two fryers, all meat slicers, the lights and fans in our cold cases and deli wall, meat/dairy bunkers. I had never seen anything like it. Managers were out and about, then they instructed us not to open our cases at all, and started rallying help to cover up all the cold stuff to help preserve it. Weird thing to see, but it doesn't happen a lot so no surprise that me nor my coworker hadn't seen anything like that. We even had a 50 piece fried chicken that needed to be cooked but couldn't get done due to that outage. That poor woman, I felt so bad for her. Fifty pieces of chicken, you know she had something planned to need all that. She showed some obvious upset then of course had to leave to figure something else out. I hope she was able to. I felt really bad about that.

So yeah, a fun filled day in the life of a deli girl...lol. So many things are going on right now that I can't tell heads from tails of much. Day by day and I mean that. I literally check the days off on my schedule just so I know where I am in the month and what I'm working the next day or so. I'm taking my Lithium once a day now. The twice a day seemed to be bloating me like crazy(not sure if I mentioned that before) and it's a lot better now. I do believe I've lost a few pounds since dropping the dosage too, so it's obvious what it was.

And go AT&T, way to SUCK. Using a technicality to not replace my LG Xenon that freezes up after I send a text message. Grr. Truly makes me want to switch. D is waiting to speak with someone else about it. They say that once you receive a different model phone then you can't get a different model replacement after that. Okay, fine. The original color of my phone was red, but when I got it replaced they were out of stock so they sent me a blue one. This lady was saying that due to that, they could not send me a different make and model phone because TECHNICALLY I had already received another one(the BLUE one). Ugh. Time for me to go. Need some more to eat. Those chicken fries weren't enough! Til the next time...

Two days!

2010-07-09T19:57:00.000-05:00

Yes, a two day break. I felt really tired today, but I got up and got out anyway. Dropped Ally off at daycare then went to Wal-Mart for a few things. We were behind on supplies for the daycare, so I got those then went to the bank to make a transfer. AND THEN(lol) I met a friend at Starbucks to borrow True Blood Season 1. I enjoyed a cold mocha frappuccino and an apple fritter for breakfast. Pretty good!

I'm thinking about turning in early tonight because I am feeling pretty tired. I may try to watch more of True Blood before bed, but I'm not sure how late I'll be able to stay up. Need to get my rest since I go back to work Sunday and won't get a day off until Thursday.

The bank has me so confused. I signed up for online banking. I thought my new account was already on there(I had seen it attached to the joint account once), but it disappeared. I signed up for my own online banking id/stuff and I got the letter in the mail today saying it was ready for us, yet it won't let me sign in! Strange. I'll have to call them about that at some point. I like having that ability to check my account online.

When do kids get to the age where they simply storm out of the room and sit angrily for getting in trouble? This whole crying/screaming tantrum thing is getting out of control lately. Every night, there's crying and screaming over something. Most of the time, it's because of her doing something bad. Tonight she thought it wise to bop Daddy on the head while playing. Gah! Think I might go ahead and lay down now. My eye lids are getting heavy! Til next time...

What's the day again?

2010-07-06T00:11:00.000-05:00

My head hurts. I think the stress is beginning to get to me physically. I'm doing my best to block it out mentally because I have a job to do and I can't exactly move out of a bad situation without a job. Have to do what I have to in order to continue functioning the best I can. Fake it til you make it.

Strange work day. Short shift of 9 am-1 pm after working a 6 pm to 11 pm shift. It felt weird at first because it's not too busy first thing and then around 11, it picked up big time. I just happened to be by myself for a little while too. Me alone and a big crowd waiting on me to wait on them? Ugh, I was glad when my help showed up. Think I do a night shift when I go back, which I'm okay with. Gives me more of a chance to use my muscles. I miss doing that in every day life like I did with the remodel. Maybe I should build things for a living... LOL Talk about the world falling down around us, oh Lord!

Things keep coming up money wise to keep me from getting things done. Last time, it was the mortgage check getting lost in the mail and having to make two payments at once. Timing was just off, so things ended up getting pretty tight. This time around, it's two weeks of daycare(behind because of the holiday) and birthday gifts for my niece. Not exactly sure what I'm getting her, but I will figure it out one night!!

I'm currently fighting with my weight loss. It's difficult to get any further without some kind of assistance it seems. My schedule is back and forth, so my body is freaking out. I get confused when I work nights and come home hungry. Should I eat? Just drink? Can't remember how many times I ate that day... Tough cookies. Then I'm under lock and key here like a child, so add stress to the mixed up schedule and toss, then refrigerate... Perfect concoction for weight gain probably! I just gotta find time for it somehow and find SOMETHING to do no matter what it may be. I don't know what to do about all this pain I'm feeling. It's radiates from my shoulders down into my arms and from my hips down into my legs. Pretty much the only muscles not hurting are my abdomen and back, but my stomach hurts from the IBS so free of pain...my back for now. It was hurting after I slipped one night, but that has passed thank goodness. It's not so bad anymore. Ugh, I should get some sleep... Maybe... Yeah... Til next time.

Hard Worker

2010-07-01T13:32:00.000-05:00

Almost four months into the workforce and I have my first 12 hour work day. Unexpected. I made it through it. Obviously. I'm here, aren't I? ;) I'm in pain, but I'm here!

It's been a busy week. I checked on some apartments, but it didn't pan out. No low income units available. Yeah, let's admit it-I'm for sure low income on my own. LOL My 32-33 hours a week isn't going to afford a condo in the Hills. Hardly. The regular units were $530 a month, which sounds like prices IN TOWN and this place was OUTSIDE of town. It seemed steep and the landlady(landlord? lady?) admitted that. There was a low income unit available in another town but it was clear across on the other side and would be about an hour drive for me. Blah! I know there's plenty out there though and I just have to keep my head up, continue to look. I also had my niece over while I was off work(two days straight-yeah!). It was a nice change. She reminded me of myself though with how she could probably sleep through a tornado... :)

I went into work at 9:30 am yesterday, expecting a long day. It's always hard going in mid-shift because it just seems to make the hours drag out. I don't know why that is, but it is. Unexpectedly, it was really more like a blur. I was there, then it was lunch time, and suddenly nearing time to go home. Something hit. My coworker was feeling ill. She's a hard worker and isn't one to bow out easily, so I could tell she was seriously not feeling well. I offered to stay in her place. Mind you, I was scheduled for 9:30-6 and she was scheduled 3-closing(any where from 10-11). Since I got back from lunch at 4, I had to leave by 10. I made it happen and I'm hoping I was able to help enough to get my coworker out of there by 11 or so.

On my way out, I had to make a detour and get some potato salad/banana pudding that I was going to buy(forgot it in the deli). It was going to get tossed out and it was only around $3 worth, so I figure "Hey, it's dinner!" lol I went around and back to get that, then passed the break room to leave when I ran into someone I've started talking to. We've only talked 3 other times-if you count the first time because I wasn't paying attention and really don't know if he was even talking to me or my coworker! I hadn't noticed him at that point, but we ran into each other a following night and have been talking a little bit since then. Not a lot, just idle chit chat. Really, the lengthiest conversation so far has been 20 minutes...maybe 30, which was last night. I wasn't keeping a tight check on time, so I can't be completely sure. It was just basic conversation that you could have with anyone. Of course, I was a bit disappointed to come home to discontent and threats. I realize I've made huge life altering mistakes. Putting said mistakes in my face time and time again and using them against me in a way aimed at other people in my life is not the way to heal this situation. Hurt added to hurt added to hurt ADDED TO HURT leads to... Need I continue? That's all that is left here. I just want to heal and move on, which seems impossible in the current predicament. Did I want to leave after all that last night? I mean, he wanted to know the details of our conversation. It didn't feel right to sit here and give a play by play on the discussion I had with someone else. "Basic conversation" was not enough of an explanation, but it's not important when it's not going to help OR HURT the situation any. Am I trusted enough for belief in my review of the conversation anyway? Who knows. Hell yes, I wanted to leave after that and I know exactly where I wanted to go but I remembered past mistakes and how reaching out to others uninvolved in the situation only led to more problems, so I knew what I had to do. It wasn't what I wanted, but it was what was BEST. I'm confident in my ability to realize what that is lately and I'm proud that I maintain some self-respect in myself even when I'm being put down by those who love me. No matter what mistakes I've made(and taken responsibility for), I'm still a person and I do try to be a good person. I can't explain my decisions sometimes and oftentimes they can be regretful, which is the reason for my current actions or lack thereof when it comes to certain things. I stand by the belief that I deserve a certain level of respect as a person.

I have a headache from being on here, amongst other reasons I'm sure, and I also need more to eat before I go. I don't want to be starving by the time I get to my lunch break because I might eat everything in sight then! I need to figure out what I'm taking for lunch as well, hmm... Til next time!

Bleh!

2010-06-28T18:09:00.000-05:00

I have today and tomorrow off. Today was fine, had lunch with my sisters and kids then dessert. Walked around Wal-Mart for a bit. Ran into some people I worked with there. They seemed happy to see me. Still surprises me how much of an impression I leave on some people. It is what it is.

I woke up this morning and went to do a little shopping. Needed some breakfast items so I got bacon, waffles, and eggs along with some juice for myself. Also got some garlic bread for the next batch of spaghetti, whenever it gets made. Man, I could eat that for a week!!

Ugh, I'm so freaking tired of drama. I've had enough here. I'm just ready to get away from it and have some peace. Any kind of peace would be great instead of this constant dwelling on NEGATIVITY. Drives me crazy. Things I need to do are harder to get done with my schedule being so back and forth. Apartment lady still hasn't called me back and that seemed like my quickest option. Things get misconstrued and only make us more stressed out. Blargh. I've just got to keep working on getting things done, otherwise they won't get there. It's up to me. It's a lot of pressure, but I have to do it. Might be another week on some things(everything) since I forgot to get my check stub from work and I need the for employment verification for quite a few things. I'm tired just thinking about it. Not sure if I can do anything tomorrow, so it may just be another lazy day off then a busy day shift and two night shifts in a row. I like the evening shifts though because it's not quite as crazy busy and I can breathe better!! So many people at one time make me nervous but I get through it because I have to! I'm going to go get on the elliptical for a bit. Hoping to make that a habit as well. Until next time...

Working out the Details

2010-06-25T08:21:00.000-05:00

It seems like all there may be left is working out the little details to get things squared away. Well, not quite yet. A place to live is hardly a "little detail" in my opinion. I'm working on everything though.

Yesterday, Ally left with MIL and Timothy for PA. I cried last night as I hugged up to her teddy bear. Yes, I just admitted that. And no. I don't care. I love my baby girl and I miss her. Most of the day, I kept half expecting her to burst in even though had it been a regular day she wouldn't be there. Just knowing she was gone had me wanting her around, I suppose. Last I heard(last night), they had made it to Kentucky and were stopping for the night. I haven't heard from her this morning, so I'm not sure if they're back on the road yet. She said Ally was doing well, had two naps, and she and Timothy kept tattling on each other, but she couldn't hear for what over the TV sound. I figured Ally would do well with the two of them with her. I know she will probably get ill at some point, but hopefully not too bad in the middle of the trip.

So far, my stomach's not feeling well this morning. My mouth is dry and I'm feeling pretty sleepy. I think I got 7 hours of sleep last night... Could have been the breakfast croissant didn't agree with me. Been a while since I had those. I want to take a nap, but I have to leave in 30 minutes. Ugh, it's going to end up being a long day! I checked out an apartment place yesterday and got my own checking account opened up. Couldn't put much into it with the mortgage company wanting two payments ASAP, so I only transferred just under half of my paycheck. The apartment owner was out and they interview by appointments, so I left two messages. I went on too much in the first one and didn't get to leave my number lol. Go me! I'm a dork. Got to call again today since my phone was acting up when they called yesterday evening. Also got to finish getting ready for work now... Til next time!

Sick Day Off

2010-06-22T14:31:00.000-05:00

Today's my day off after working all weekend. I thought I would be able to get out and do stuff, but instead I'm hanging around the house feeling like crap. I'm pretty sure it's the IBS because my stomach feels bloated, I have no appetite, and I feel nauseous. Not to mention being in and out of the bathroom, but I didn't want to get too graphic there!

Even though all of that is going on, I still feel like having spaghetti for lunch. Not sure that will help my stomach much, but it's what I've had on my mind! I also didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe 4.5 hours. So I'm pretty tired right now. I did wash some dishes and pick up some things around the house(some of Ally's things!), so at least something was accomplished. Just trying not to give into wanting to take a nap... Here I go thinking "Maybe just an hour..." Haha, yeah right.

I was reminded this morning why I definitely need my sleep. If I'm well rested, I'm better able to handle Ally's terrible two/toddler tantrums. I was so tired this morning, she didn't want to get up, didn't want to go potty but wanted her sippy cup(NO because she would have peed herself on the way to daycare-I know it, it's happened before), had to hold her up while she was trying to throw a fit, and then I accidentally hit her head on the door frame. It was just all a big mess, but she was fine one she got into the daycare. I had to open up my coke zero to drink on the way home. Otherwise, I wasn't sure I would make it and it's only 10 minutes away with very little traffic! Got lucky last night at work, put in 40 cents for a canned drink and got two!

I forgot to finish this before my nap. It took nothing at all for me to fall asleep for that. I am surprised though that I woke up after only an hour. Probably best. Any longer and I may not have wanted to get up. I swear I don't remember ever being a drooler. LOL Lovely. I'm hoping I can get to bed at a decent time tonight and wake up feeling better and less likely to become ill with Ally for being a kid. It's obvious now that what I've been doing in fighting for my sleep has been right so far in that aspect. Ally is my number one priority. Tough cookies around here, but I know they're going to be the best in the end. :p Til next time(I feel a bit better after that nap!!!!)...

Holy macanoli!

2010-06-19T13:00:00.000-05:00

I didn't realize it had been so long since my last post. I've been a drone lately. I do what I'm told, come home, and sleep just to wake up and do it all over again. Life in the workforce. Isn't it lovely?

The past few days I was hit with some tough fatigue. Wasn't sure what to call it. I walked around the store one day while listening to my mp3 player. The whole time, I felt like I was being pulled down by something...almost like I had a heavy chain around my neck. Strange, but that explains it pretty well in my opinion. My shoulders and arms were generally achy. My wrists and hands are too, but I figure that is just the tendinitis acting up from grabbing, holding, and stuff of that nature at work. It was the worst yesterday. I'm trying to take it easy today and just rest. So far I'm feeling better after 9.5 hours of sleep. Nine and a half? Good grief.

I tried talking with D again about my needs, what I felt like I needed in order to work on things. It seems like he didn't listen again. Slow and steady wins the race, right? I guess it's all or nothing with him. To top everything off, he found someone on yahoo chat to discuss our lives with. At first, it was my family. Then it went to his family. Next it was his coworkers. Now, a complete stranger. At least he wasn't talking or texting my family all kinds of different hours like he is this woman(up until 2 am last night). I don't think they would have put up with it anyway, but I'm guess this chick doesn't mind if she's allowing it and asking for it. She did text him first last night, "Hey hunny." Reminds me of Pooh. Days of hunny.

Someone told me about some apartments and also that the city's housing authority would help with finding a place to rent. I figure that is the next step here. You know the saying after all... "You don't know what you got til it's gone." With the current circumstances, I feel like it's the right thing to do now. I'm hoping the first apartments I check out could possibly work after saving a little money, but I know it would be naive to expect the first place to be the right place! We'll just have to see. At least having mostly afternoon shifts will give me time during the day to check some places out, so in a way it's a blessing. Never thought I'd say that. Anyway, I've got to get some lunch. I go in at 5:30 pm today so I need to make sure I eat and take a snack with me for my break. I will probably get hungry while I'm there! Until next time...

How long will it go on?

2010-06-14T19:46:00.000-05:00

I'm sick of hearing the same old story from myself. I'm tired. I've been tired for so long that I'm beginning to think it will never go away. I started to wonder what was wrong me with me, but no one can figure that out.

I'm only working part time. You would think I'd have more energy than what I do. I guess it could be how often I'm working with the public. It could be lots of things, but I can't figure it out. That's disappointing when it's affecting so much of your life.

Where am I currently? I'm stressed out. I'm overeating. I've gained weight. That's the sad truth of the situation I'm in. I'm trying not to go back to that place where I just don't care anymore because I WAS NOT HAPPY THERE.

After having a somewhat heated discussion, D decided to leave after bringing Ally home from daycare. It's about time for her to go to bed and he isn't back yet. He made it pretty clear that I may not be sleeping in our bed tonight. I'm okay with that but I'd like to know soon because I am getting kinda tired. If he's up past time I want to go to sleep, I'm going to bed then he can get me up if he wants me out. I can't sleep with the light on and stuff going on around me. Well, I probably could if I was tired enough but it's harder that way! I gotta have myself and Ally out of the house by 6:15 in the morning, so I better get the two of our butts in bed. Til next time...

Quick Note

2010-06-10T20:37:00.000-05:00

D got his wish last night. I ended up staying awake until after 11 pm, so we could spend some time together. Granted, I did fall asleep a few times but he managed to keep me awake even though I had to work the next day. He made me feel bad that I'm tired all of the time, so we don't get to spend any private time together.

So last night, I got about 6 hours of sleep. I was a bit worried because I had been making sure I got plenty of sleep by going to bed when I was sleepy and not letting anything or anyone stop me. Hard on the other person, but it felt good for me. I know I felt off today. I had trouble getting the weights right nearly all day. My mind seemed foggy. I don't know if it had anything to do with my amount of sleep or not, but my head KILLED me all freaking day. So annoying. Now I'm yawning my head off shortly before 8:30 and am definitely ready for bed.

My skin has been bugging the crap out of me lately. I can't seem to get rid of these breakouts. It's like every day, something new comes up on my face. Not fun. I was trying AcneFree, but it hasn't been working. Now I've gone back to Proactiv. My mom said she believed it worked before, so I'm giving it another try. I know way back when, it was something like $45 to get it with shipping. It was $15.99 with free shipping, but I swear the dang bottles have SHRUNK. I don't think they were this small before. Crazy, but I hope it will last a while since it says to only use a "dime sized" amount. Here's hoping because I can't afford $30 a month for those little bottles. Blah.

I've started taking full pills this week of the Lithium. I wondered if that could be the cause of my headache, but I'm not sure. I'm skipping the second dose though because I feel alright on just the one a day. That will also make the prescription last longer and save us some money there. It's $26-something for a month's supply when taken twice a day. I'm off to bed for hopefully a good night's sleep and maybe a morning without a headache... A girl can dream, right? Until next time...

Never Ending Battle

2010-06-06T21:20:00.001-05:00

I don't think the fight against overeating is ever truly over. I've been face to face with it again these past few weeks. My pants feel tighter. HELLO! I say to myself. WRONG WAY! So today I had a granola bar with 2 cups of milk for breakfast, fudge shoppe cookies(100 calorie pack) and strawberries/blue berries for first break snack, a banana with a little peanut butter/jelly sandwich thing, then chicken and dumplings with some honey roasted peanuts for dinner. Now once I get the hang of eating less again, I will work on incorporating exercise back into my schedule.

I'm off of work the next three days, but there is so much to do. It's going to be like I didn't even get a break. Well, I should find time to give myself a break because I don't want another meltdown at work. Yeah, I had an emotional meltdown at work the other day. I was just feeling overwhelmed by all the new information I had to learn(just for corporate to change it and have me learn it all over again), the issues at home still not being resolved, and having my mind wander to places/people it shouldn't. I faked it before I just couldn't take it anymore. I was better the next day. I also wondered if it could be due to the med change. I'm in that middle zone where the one is getting out of my system before the other is fully in yet. Could be one of the reasons why I'm having a hard time lately. We'll see as I continue the meds.

I was considering taking a day trip somewhere while I'm off work. Not sure where, but I have some ideas. I feel like getting away if even for simply a day. We have so many things to take care of though. I'm not sure I will be able. We have to go to MIL's to have her boyfriend help D put the new brakes on the van. I need to pick a day to get my haircut(Wednesday? MIL could go get her's done at the same time too maybe!). Okay, so maybe not a TON to do but enough that I may not get a full day of rest any where in there! We'll see. I'm going to have a night cap and hopefully get some good sleep. Til next time...

Work and Ruins

2010-06-03T14:24:00.000-05:00

As my time in the workforce continues, I'm starting to think. Could work literally be ruining my life? Sure, I was tired before. I slept a lot prior to getting a job too. What's the difference? Are the physical demands truly taking that much of a toll on me that I'm having trouble continuing and nurturing my relationships with the people I love? Or maybe it's simply in addition to work outside the home, work inside the home is magnified with the lack of time and energy.

Even on my days off now, I have to keep the same schedule. It's mostly because some of my weekends are during the week. Like this next work week for example, I work all weekend and then have 3 days off during the week. That's probably leading to another full weekend of work. I believe I have that Sunday off though. Since I never know what day of the week I will be off, I keep my alarm on 24/7 so I have no accidents as far as forgetting to turn it on! That means due to getting up early day in and day out, I'll always be falling asleep early. This is upsetting for D because it leaves no time for us as a couple. I really don't know what I can do. I work around hot grease and a meat slicer. I don't want to compromise the amount of sleep my body feels like it needs then end up regretting it at work. I just don't want to risk that and when I'm not on my toes there, it makes things harder. I ended up going back and forth to the scale more because of issues gauging the weight of the meat and stuff. With my days off being different from his, doing something on the weekend isn't always an option. Kinda sucks, but I'm going to try to stick it out for a bit with this job to build up some work history.

I've been fighting overeating the past few weeks. I finally decided to get a handle on it today. Every day is a new day and a new opportunity to make better choices. I'm going to try to remember that in this coming work week. Slow and steady, one step at a time. Whew. Til next time...

Breathe

2010-05-31T19:41:00.000-05:00

I forget to breathe. No, not literally. I wouldn't be typing if that were the case. I mean amidst life. I forget to breathe when life gets busy. Now I'm tired.

Two more days and I can start the new meds. I'm hoping some of the tiredness will go away. If it doesn't, then I'm just going to guess that my body actually does require that much sleep to function properly and people will have to learn to deal with it. I don't know how else to handle it other than 5 hour energy and I refuse to go that route. That stuff is fine once in a blue moon, but I honestly think it's unhealthy to deprive your body of the sleep it's telling you it needs. Mine could be mostly psychological, but I can't be sure. I know I'm pretty tired when I get anywhere under 8 or 9 hours of sleep. Nine is optimal performance for me, but that isn't always achievable. It really isn't achievable when your significant other wants to have conversations after your head has hit the pillow. Normally, by that time... I'm too far gone.

Work is work. That's all it is right now. Today was my roughest day yet. I felt out of it, off kilter, out of groove. Whatever you want to call it, that's what it was. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better. If not, I will get over it because my days off are Wednesday and Thursday. That probably means a full weekend of working for me though and lots of missing Ally. :( That's going to bite. It's going to be weird having the house to myself on my days off too. Last week day I had off, I spent it out and about. Don't think I will be able to do that this time around unless I make back to back visits to the WIN Job Center and that's just not necessary!!

I'm not looking forward to next week's hours. I keep inching closer and closer to the night shift hours. Not gonna like working 4 pm to 11 pm! Next week is something like 9 am-6 pm. I worry the afternoon crazies are going to make me cry. I don't know lol. Just even more experience dealing with people. Maybe THAT is what's exhausting me. I don't know. Blah, who knows anything?! :p It's almost time for bed. Lots of things are coming up. I have my sister's baby shower and then a counseling appointment the day after. That should all be fun! At least one will be fun anyway. Til next time...

Dread. Huge dread.

2010-05-26T19:58:00.000-05:00

I'm weaning off of the Prozac and will be starting a new medication. I honestly couldn't keep track of all the different meds I have been on if it weren't noted in this blog or my medical records. Honestly, a mess. We couldn't figure out why nothing was working well enough, but maybe it was a misdiagnosis. Half right, but missing something-the manic portion. So I'm going to be start Lithium in about a week and it's for manic depression. And it's only $30 a month! Not as cheap as the $4 prescriptions, but if it works well enough then so be it!

My first few days at work were alright. I think I could handle most regular days. It's the weekends and holidays that I am worried about. I know people are in the stores so much more often then and lots of them are going to be ordering deli meats, cheeses, and stuff that has to be cooked and whatnot. Ugh, I don't know how I'm going to do on my first busy busy days. I don't work well under extreme pressure. I dropped salami to prove it! LOL Sigh. It's definitely not what I ever imagined myself doing, but I'm going to give it my best. So far I'm told I'm doing well. It's a lot to remember though and I'm not sure I'll ever feel completely confident in doing it.

On top of work worries, we have financial worries here at home. We overextended ourselves and are now wondering if we will make it through the first of the month unscathed. Always tough when that big mortgage payment is due, especially when excess money was going out without the extra income to cover it. We may need to use the birthday/Christmas money to get us through it and just be really careful from now on. I haven't been myself lately and D isn't exactly equipped to fully deal with that too well considering I take care of the checkbook AND the bills. The garbage bill is about to be a month late and I have to get the mortgage payment mailed out Friday or Saturday at the latest. They allow you up to 14 days, but I like to pay my bills when they are actually due, thank you. :)

Time to eat. D wants online too. I was off today, so I will be working the next four days straight. Fun times! Have a good one!!

Road Block

2010-05-22T23:12:00.000-05:00

I'm a bit on the sleepy side. Not sure why since I slept 7-8 hours last night then napped for about an hour or so this afternoon. I guess it's just me!

With all the stupid decisions I've made lately, I feel like I'm at a road block. Now I'm being directed in which way to go instead of being left to my own devices because what I want to do is so different from what everyone else wants or thinks I need. I can admit that I was wrong. I was wrong quite a few times in my actions. I wasn't using my brain and it has led to a good bit of a stress. Just need to take it as a lesson learned right now and try to figure out the 5 Ws-Who, What, When, Where, Why. My feeling disrespected by D in some ways is part of the why. Stupidity is how I reacted. What sense does it make to go do to him the very thing for which I am upset with him? None. Disrespecting him because I felt like he had been disrespecting me? Childish. I honestly felt so outside of myself during the whole situation that I'm not sure I was thinking clearly at all. Sometimes I'm not sure I've even gotten to that point quite yet. I don't know if anyone is going to understand that currently, but it's how I have felt and feel sometimes. I do feel some improvement in my mind but not completely.

I decided to take a step and made an appointment with Hope Family Ministries for marriage counseling. At least that's what the first appointment is. I expect us to simply go in and explain the situation, then see where they believe we should take it. It's kind of hard to take advice when you already feel like you know what you need to do. The appointment is in three weeks though and I have no where to go currently, so why not? Go and have a chat about it, talk about our feelings, and see if there are any good ones left here. A lot of it feels like resentment and complete lack of trust in each others abilities to change. I do remember trying to change things about him in the past, giving up every time, but going back to it later. No, I never succeeded in changing his habits. I guess I should have noticed that then and thought about whether or not it was something I could live with. Somehow I always seem to be left feeling like I have no where to go! Might be part of the reason why I'd like to try taking care of myself(always includes Ally). Might just be the dose of harsh reality I need to knock me back down to Earth. Either way, I'm working on working it out.

My doctor called yesterday about a possible medication-one I was already on-Cymbalta. She said the bipolar medications are all so expensive that I'd have to wait on getting approval for PPA assistance before I could start taking one. I'm not even sure we can afford Cymbalta with my being uninsured. And the dizziness it caused as a side effect? Just what I need when I'm going to be working around hot grease and a meat slicer. Kind of worries me. I have to try though, right? Other than that one side effect, I felt GREAT on Cymbalta. Maybe forcing fluids/water will help with the dizziness. It's worth a shot anyway though because anything is better than feeling the way I am right now. I know they can give me samples to start, so that will help for a while until I'm working good again.

It's late and I'm ready to lay down. My throat is pretty scratchy, so I'm hoping I'm not coming down with something. Would be my luck when I start work Monday. I will manage. Til next time...

Trotting New Territory

2010-05-19T13:28:00.001-05:00

I feel like I am always traveling new territory these days. As if everything that comes across my path is fresh, I'm learning things and trying to change my attitude toward dealing with people on a daily basis. I'm more of a background kind of person, but I'm finding myself in the forefront here lately! Ahh! Again, I'm just going to do my best.

I dressed up for my bank job interview yesterday. I wanted to look professional and dress the part. For anyone on my Facebook, they have access to the pictures. Here's the full body image of my outfit for those who aren't or missed it. Oh, the first one is from January 15, 2009 though for comparison!

I was wearing heels too(borrowed from my sis-pointy toed shoes hurt)! They were only like an inch or two. Not too big because Lord knows I'd have busted my butt!! I was worried at first since there were 4 prospective employees there-3 ladies and 1 guy. My card said 2 pm and another lady said her time was 2:30. The woman to see came in and grabbed the 2:30 one while someone else was interviewing the other lady. The guy said he would come back to next day since interview woman was busy and couldn't get to everyone. I interviewed with the internal recruiter(inside jobs versus the teller jobs). I was a bit nervous(who isn't typically when they're first starting out?) She was from Aberdeen, so that loosened the tension a bit. She seemed really nice and I felt like I came off well. Maybe like I was too ready for fun or something, haha. Not exactly the personality needed for a bank teller position.

Before the interview though, I received a call from Wal-Mart. They wanted to see if I'd be interested in being a part-time(33 hours) deli associate. Something else new to me! I'm not good at cooking/timing things, so there will definitely be some praying going on while I'm frying that chicken and whatnot! Hopefully, I won't burn my finger off! As usual, I'm going to give it my best shot. Whatever happens will happen and either I'm meant to be there/can handle or there's something else out there for me. We will see! Even with the slightly extra pay(.75 more/hr), I'm not sure it will be enough. It's hard working and still not having any money lol!

D wanted me to make an appointment with the counseling service today. I haven't done it because tomorrow is his birthday and it's really the only day we have left. I don't want to be going through all the he/she said stuff on his BIRTHDAY. I have fallen into this bad habit of omitting things from what I say so I don't get him upset. Not good when you get to that point. Another day and I supposed I could do counseling with him to talk about all that, but not his birthday. Not that day. I'm just working on getting some space, so that we can both take time to think. Things will work out in one way or another. All things (typically) heal with time. I'm about to head to Wal-Mart to finish things up there and see what time I have to come in Monday. After that, I plan on taking a walk around the park for a bit with my new $15 mp3 player-so far so good! Yay! Should make things go by more smoothly.

Have a beautiful Wednesday! Take care of yourselves because you are worth it and you do deserve it. Til next time...

Full Steam Ahead

2010-05-16T00:51:00.000-05:00

Last I wrote, it was mid-week. I was lost as to what I was going to do about a job since I couldn't find my social security card. Funny how you look so hard for something and can't find it. You ask someone else to look for it and it takes them, oh, a whole two minutes! Figures.

Since D was able to find my card(well, our cards really because I needed them all for the ICS-childcare assistance and they were all with THAT paperwork from when Ally first got put in daycare), I set out yesterday to get some things done. I had a list in my phone and got all but one thing done. I wanted to go to an employment agency, but I didn't get the chance. I did get a job interview through the local job center for Tuesday. Got an outfit for that today. D said the pants really showed off my butt. Hmm, exactly what I'm going for. I just need shoes. I don't have any professional shoes.

Thursday was a GREAT DAY. I met up with my friend Holly(ex-coworker since neither of us have jobs now!). We picked up our last paychecks(boooo!) and headed over to the mall. We went into Hot Topic and joked around about the little mini skirts in there. I even sent a text to D with a pic of one, saying it was my new skirt. He said I wouldn't be getting out of the house in it. Haha. We then went to Olive Garden for lunch! Was going to do a simple soup, salad, and bread sticks but I wanted to try the new sausage crespelles they had(it's like two big ravioli stuffed with cheese topped with alfredo sun dried tomato sauce and cut up Italian sausage). We enjoyed our conversation and the salad/bread sticks when our server comes up to us and apologizes for taking so long with our order. They had a big take out order called in and they have been backed up ever since, so a manager is going to come out to speak with us. We politely agree, then discuss amongst ourselves when she walks away. Has it really been that long? It had been something like 1.5 to 2 hours and we had BARELY noticed! The manager came out, apologized, and said he was going to take care of our bill. Whoa! We decided to order dessert too after that and Holly wondered if that was included on the tab. I didn't think it was. She went to the bathroom and ran out(she had to put her windows up because of rain, but she was going to sneak out anyway LOL), while I waited for the check. Server finally came out and I asked. Manager covered EVERYTHING. Awesome. Totally free meal. Lucky them it was only around $25 and lucky server that I left a $7 tip. All the small bills I had and that was less than my main course anyway.

Holly's main squeeze(her only squeeze :p) called and wanted to go shopping. Yeah, whatever shopping is for guys-aka shirts and sneakers. They allowed me to come along. I had a good time and once the squeeze left us to our own devices, I went with Holly to pick out a shirt. She was going to be seeing about a job the next day and needed something really nice. Like I needed her this evening while I was looking for something myself lol! She is good at that kind of stuff! We finished up in time for me to leave and pick up Ally since D was resting(hurt his back at work possibly).

Tomorrow(technically it's tomorrow since it's now 12:42 am-has taken me forever here-but I'm talking about Monday), I plan to visit an employment agency or two and go back to the job center to work on my resume. I goofed and forgot that the most recent work history was supposed to be listed first. Too bad I didn't notice that before I paid to have the copies printed at the library. Lots of learning going on.

I think I've bored y'all enough with this post! Plus, I'm pretty tired and need to clean when I get up in the morning. Sunday lunch is here, I think, if D even still wants to have it. Since we're still having issues, he is unsure. I don't care if we have it or not, but I would like to see the kids and know in advance if we're doing it so I can decide whether or not to clean. Nah, I should clean anyway. House needs it. Enough rambling, good night or morning! Til next time...

Slump #5,000,002

2010-05-12T09:24:00.000-05:00

I don't even know where that number came from exactly. Just pulled it out of my head. Been doing that a lot lately. Actually, not so much in the last few days as in the last few months.

This week has been tough so far. I've been trying to find another job. I even fixed up a resume, adding my new skills to the pot, and getting references ready for the job agencies. Well, for a job AND these job agencies... You need your social security card. I can't figure out what the heck I did with mine. I put it some where after Wal-Mart had their hands on it. Since some days I don't remember what I did the day before, of course no I don't remember what I did with a card I had out two and a half months ago. Of course not. It's driving me insane. I want out of this house. I want something to do!!! Knowing I can't and won't be able to do anything without that card is daunting. My last paycheck(tomorrow) will be mostly covering the next month of daycare until I can find something else. I would /hate/ to end up taking her out of daycare. She likes it. I LIKE IT. Monday was torture. She was so ill. She knows her routine and staying at home with Mommy who doesn't give her the right drinks/food or coddle her... Well, that just isn't part of her day anymore!

Add on top of everything, I'm quite depressed. I probably shouldn't be because getting rid of someone who I have trouble controlling my mouth/other things around is a good thing... Right? Yeah... Right? In turn though, that means no one for me to text or BS around with(something I had gotten used to) and loneliness results. What a sad sap I am!

It's coming up on another year of change for me and I can't find it in me to be happy for myself. A lot of people probably think my changing is the reason why things suck right now. Okay, if you need something to blame... That's your prerogative. Would I go back to where I started this journey? Or even further back? NO. I don't even have to think about that. Misery isn't in the same category as where I was then. Disastrous is closer! I'm probably being a bit melodramatic, but my change is a serious thing to me. For people to suggest it brought on such negativity... It kind of hurts because I went from being uncomfortable in my skin to loving myself more than I ever have in my WHOLE LIFE.

Alright, enough of that. I have things to search for so maybe I can get out and apply at some employment agencies. I'd even be up for a few temporary jobs just to add to my skill list. Hopefully the funk/fog will slowly desist as I get used to the way things are now and being short one friend-if you call someone who lies to you and/or other people about the most retarded minuscule things a friend. Meh. Think positive! I truly believe that being positive can turn things around somehow. When I was working, if I believed I would have a good day and didn't let things get me down...then it was better for me. Try, try, try again. Til next time!

Why Not Now?!

2010-05-10T19:45:00.000-05:00

I have been through a lot of change in the past year and a half. Life has thrown up some new curves and I'm expected to go through more changing. You would think it'd be easy as pie now. It's harder than ever.

If there's anything you DON'T want as an adult, it's to be told what to do. We had enough of that growing up and living with mom/dad, right? When you do something stupid in a relationship that warrants practically being told what to do, it's hard to come up with an argument. Just suck it up and deal with it. That's what I'm trying to do now and holy cow, it's giving me quite a headache.

There's also this incessant need for sleep since I'm not working. I managed to make it to 2 pm today before I passed out. Slept for 3 hours. D believes we fell asleep around 10:30 last night and I woke up at 6:30. Ain't nothing right about that. As much as I hate to pay the money, I may need to get myself on into the doctor. They typically say the same things to me though- "It's tiring being a mom", "Raising a child can be exhausting", or something along those lines. I mean, I can't say that I blame them when my labs have ALWAYS come back normal. No anemia, no thyroid issue... With it being $50 up front for just the office visit, I would hate to know how much it would cost for them to check me for a vitamin deficiency. Could just need a simple change in meds, but I swear that almost seems necessary EVERY SIX MONTHS. I'm tired of the yo-yoing. I'm tired of a lot of things that can't be changed right now. Seems to be the way things are going.

So far the job hunt sucks. I put in my applications for Wal-Mart and Sam's Club this morning online. Luckily, a lot of employers work through internet applications or else I'd have gotten nothing accomplished today. I got up after D left this morning and got Ally up. Grabbed her car seat cover out of the washer and got it ready to go. Went to get my keys... Where are they? We were out and about a lot over the weekend and last I remember, I had them out to unlock the car so I could get my charger since we were taking the van. I was figuring they were in the van. Come to find out, D confirmed that when he took his lunch. Yep, I knew it. For the first time in a LONG TIME, I actually knew where my lost keys were. Strange!

I'm disappointed in everyone's expectations of me lately. I am happy that most are not pressuring me to make a quick decision when it's seems so point and click to them. Just deal with it. Accept it as it is. Really? Emotionless and all? Ugh... Might as well pop me into the Sims game of your choice and operate me with a remote control. It's basically how I'm living for the moment until I find another switch to flip or something else... That's where it all is. I've been crazy cooped up in the house today. Tomorrow's a new day and I look forward to getting out there. Til next time...

All good things...

2010-05-07T17:17:00.000-05:00

We all know how that phrase goes. And "It was good while it lasted." I enjoyed working, but who knows if it was really a good thing that came to an end here. I encountered a lot of things while working there, some not so good.

Work Recap Ending, they waited until the last minute. I mean that LITERALLY. It was 5 pm before they told the last batch that we were the weakest links. Man, I worked my butt off those last few weeks too trying to make sure I was always working hard and not working in groups like they didn't want us. Too little, too late I guess. I had a feeling it was going to end that way.

I've been wondering if it could simply be a blessing in disguise. Sure, I needed the job. I enjoy working and the money was nice to have even if most of it did go to daycare and food. I didn't like the manager. Some people have this high and mighty attitude when they are in upper management positions and that was the vibe I got from him. He could throw a temper tantrum without repercussions. Not something I agree with. There were also some older men there that seemed to be paying quite a bit of attention to the younger female workers. Very openly. Blatantly. Creep me out.

I'm on the job hunt now. Time to tweak my resume and get myself out there. I've applied online for a few office jobs and I can reapply at other Wal-Marts and Sam's Club as soon as Monday(supposedly). I slept most of today away(still feel like I could sleep even more), but I guess I better get to working out 8 hours a day if I want to maintain my weight, haha! Have a good weekend everyone! Til next time...

Work Craze

2010-05-05T21:50:00.000-05:00

This last week of work has been nuts. I suppose you all gather that's why this post is coming a bit late. I haven't really been on the net much this weekend with the exception of logging into Facebook on my cell.

I believe part of Sunday night was spent talking about our issues, so I didn't get a whole lot of sleep. I sure felt it on Monday. I was dragging. What was even worse was the fact that there was barely anything to do at the store. I was actually surprised that the dynamic duo(me and my friend Holly) were being split up. It felt strange and I missed her company, but I think it was just what we needed at the end of this game. We needed to prove our worth. I believe we have.

One thing I didn't miss as a SAHM is the work-related rumor mill. Ugh. The most. Annoying thing. EVER. Holy crap! I guess it's to be expected amongst any group of people. So rumor is... We're working through Friday. I didn't think we'd be there for the grand opening, but I'm hearing we will. Who knows. Well, someone does but they aren't talking. What difference is two days gonna make? Really? I think it's their own version of workforce torture. Make them squirm until the last second. Love it. Not really, but I felt like saying that.

On the home front... Pretty much the same. Crazy strange transference of emotions feelings have dissipated and I'm left feeling next to nothing at all other than sheer confusion as to what direction to take. I'm determined to figure it out though and it's going to be no one's decision but my own, though I am being pressured in some arenas. I'm pretty tired this week and I'm expecting some catch up sleep over the weekend. If it isn't expected to rain, I might try to go out Saturday or Sunday morning for some alone time to think. My job is about to end and I have no idea if I have one or not. I want to keep that aspect the same. It's great for me to have something to do during the day where I am not fighting to stay awake or always fighting Ally to eat. She is one of those kids(like her daddy, no doubt) who is an angel for everyone else except Mom and Dad! We tend to not talk about our issues in front of her, but it would be stupid of us to think she couldn't pick up on the tension.

D has been trying to contact a counselor but keeps getting voice mail or forgetting to call altogether. I reminded him about it today(amongst other things that needed to be done after a few reminders). I'm so done right now. I'm about to fall asleep. My arch is killing me, but I hope the arch support insoles will help that. God willing, I will have a reason to stay on my feet even after this remodel job! Time for rest. Til next time...

Is this where it gets bad?

2010-05-01T12:22:00.000-05:00

I had such a great work week this past week. I'm not saying everything was absolutely perfect because if anyone knows me, they know I'm full of mistakes and blunders sometimes. Eighty percent of the work week was good though. Sad that it may be one of my last work weeks. I wasn't being chosen last. I heard that had some help though and I'm hoping I proved my coworker's recommendation to be true. I was about 10 feet up in the air yesterday on top of a storage fixture(wire grid that was bowing a little under my feet). I worked on organizing all that stuff the last few days. Yesterday, I ended up spray painting again. Tedious job, but I liked being outside in the fresh air. That felt good and I'm lucky my arms aren't anymore red than they are. Most everyone left at noon, but 3 guys and myself stayed. I left about 10 til 4 and I'm betting they didn't leave until 5! The joys of being a man. :p

This coming work week could be my last. They aren't spilling the beans though. They do want people to stick around until the job is complete. I can understand that, but some people really need to know. Like people who can't afford daycare WITHOUT the job maybe... There's no way to afford it without my paycheck! It's a wait and see kind of thing. I have a transfer request put in for other stores and I'm checking the job sites even though there still isn't much out there currently. I can only hope for the best. After such a good week, I'm wondering if the bad is about to hit!

I started running during my last break again this past week as well. Just felt the need to blow off steam for non-work related issues. I'm paying for it now. I must have done too much somehow because my calves and feet are wanting to tense/cramp up on me. I'm trying to take it easy today, but the urge to get up and do something is there. I almost went after the candy bag, but I resisted. I don't need it. With these cramps, I'm going to guess I need to refocus on my food and start getting more veggies. It might help with my energy and soreness. Just something I'm going to have to do since I don't feel the pain until after I get home! That's why I choose to do it before the work day ends. I know I won't otherwise lol! Maybe aim for every other day to give my legs a chance to rest.

Things are pretty much standstill here at home. The counselor D was going to get up with is away in Cuba. It's a marriage counselor. I'm set on what I want, but it isn't what he wants. I feel like I should just roll over and give everyone what they want from me. It wouldn't agree with my feelings, but at least then only one person would be unhappy. I don't know. If nothing else, talking it all out with an objective mediator might make my feelings more understandable.

I'm kind of exhausted and working on a job application right now. It's also time for Ally to have a nap. Gotta change her sheets first though. Things to do... Til next time!

Where is Warehouse Mouse?

2010-04-27T21:01:00.000-05:00

Unless you have children/kids around or you're just some weirdo who likes to watch kid shows, then you're not likely going to understand my blog title. It's from Imagination Movers and it's a song. That's a youtube link for the video. It's cute. Anyway, my working at the store warehouse is what got me to singing that in my head!! I saw a mousetrap under a metal fixture and that instantly popped into my mind. :p

I knew from the get go yesterday that it was going to be an interesting day. Things were showing up out of no where. I thought "Oh boy, what's that mean for today?" As soon as I walk up to the group powwow, I hear "You're going to the warehouse today!" Say what? I wasn't sure what that would entail, but it was something new and I was up for that. It was pretty much stacking pallets, shrink wrapping them, using the pallet jacks to move them in preparation for loading, sweeping up and gathering wood/cardboard/plastics and keeping those sorted and separated. Lots of ands there.

Today was another warehouse day. It seemed to go a little slower in some parts, but overall faster than at the store. I really enjoyed it. It worked my body and I felt comfortable around the people there, so while the work was sometimes strenuous it was still fast paced enough to keep us busy. Well, excluding the sweeping. I swear. Goes by so slow. Liked my time there and now it's over. Boo, right?

On the home front, it's almost like D is grieving the loss of me and I'm already past that point. It's weird. It is also like torture for him and I hate that. That's what gets me upset. So much has happened in the the years that we've been together. We've essentially grown up together. There's a lot more growing up to do(I hear my mom saying "Oh yes, there is!").

It's getting late for me. I'm going to listen to a few songs before bed/couch... Yeah. :/ I've made it to the mid-week madness. Here goes nothing! Til next time.

Talk(Type) It Out

2010-04-25T12:06:00.001-05:00

I'm here off schedule again. I get a bit off key when stressful things are going on. Slowly I get back to reality and creep in to talk(type) it out in my corner of the WWW.

David and I got together in summer of 2001. I was damaged by a previous experience. I don't think I even realized how it had hurt me at the time. I went from a bad situation to an immediate attachment. D's a good guy. I'm not denying that or attempting to make it appear that he's not. What happened to me led me down a path of depression/anxiety and D probably kept me alive. Yes, I used to be suicidal. I used to have it bad. It might be surprising to some, but I even tried to once. All I got was one hell of a rough night with chills and a cold sweat. Suicide equals even more pain and is not an answer to your problems. I'm very proud to say that those thoughts no longer control my mind and my hands no longer urge to scar my body. I was a cutter too. Part of my self-destructive behavior as my counselor referred to it. That's where I started.

I can only dictate what I have heard about D's past. He's not a big talker and has also been through traumatizing things that could possibly be blocked out of his memory. I know y'all know that sometimes trauma causes people to repress certain memories as a defense mechanism. Between the trauma and his mom trying to make up for his father not being around, he grew up with certain expectations. Often times I would feel like he wanted me to be like his mother-take care of everything. I'm simply too tired, always have been. It's not something I can explain and even the doctors couldn't find anything wrong. I've expressed my needs for help with him only to be met with sarcasm and disappointment. This got worse when I started working, though I explained to him beforehand that I was going to need his help with the housework. What response did I get? "Nah" or "We'll see how I feel". His inability to EVER be serious with me unless it was dire(and even then he sometimes finds it to be difficult, depending on the situation). Deja vu, I just felt it. I have dreams about things and then I end up realizing that they're happening. Anyway(yep weird), six weeks into working and fatigue going into full blast, Easter gathering was thrown upon us. His sarcasm AFTER I talked to him about it and I was numbed. This is where I truly believe the physical aspects of a relationship can cloud other emotions. Intimacy releases the happy endorphins and IMO only create a fog of fake happiness.

I'm not happy where we were/are. I lost my feelings for him and they went toward someone else(not sure when that happened, but transference of emotions maybe?). I got involved with another person(very briefly, that's over and didn't even start emotionally if you ask me-at least not for the other person). I'm not proud of myself for my poor decisions and lack of self-control, but this is what it is. It didn't help. I didn't think it would. The big phrase there is "I didn't think." I've just been physically sick over everything and nothing but working/Ally make any sense currently. I need space and time to figure it all out, but instead of that I'm really just extremely stressed and sick day in and day out. Ally is sensing it too, so we had to get away and that's why I'm at my parents' house.

I feel guilty too that he's so willing to hold onto me at whatever costs after what I've done(rarity for most guys I'm sure, though he knows the whole story from me and believe me it's too long for type). Call it temporary insanity or whatever you want(just not on here because comments are disabled and if you know me well enough then you know how to contact me through email/facebook). Things take time and I'm going to make sure I take the adequate time/space to accurately figure it out.

Wow, that was exhausting. It's time for Ally's nap and hopefully, I can go out for a walk while she's doing that. She's getting cranky, so I'm sure it's much needed. More to come on "The Days of My Life". Until then... Happy Sunday(and Monday too)!

More Small Steps

2010-04-22T07:22:00.000-05:00

Life is extremely ironic sometimes. If there's ONE SINGLE THING I'd say I've learned from going on this weight loss journey, I'd say it was "Start with small steps." I guess I forgot that in the craziness of my emotions. D, of all people, reminded me about small steps last night.

It's going to be a really long process of figuring things out and I've made it clear that I can't make any guarantees on how things will end up. He seems to understand and he's very hopeful. I wish I could say the same, but it's another wait and see situation for me.

Another thing I'm fighting(of course, it's a never ending battle) is overeating. My sweet tooth has reappeared! Yikes. Today, I'm going to try to control myself and really not eat unless I'm truly hungry after drinking some water. So that's my current goal. Get that under control, then try to get exercise back on my priority list even if it is only a 10 minute walk M-F. I need it. I know I do.

A lot of small steps happening currently. I should probably be proud to say, but I'm so unsure of the future that I barely feel anything. Strange. Now I need to finish getting ready though because I have a job to get to, which may only last 2 more weeks. Eek. Til next time!

Tabs!

2010-04-20T19:38:00.000-05:00

That's an inside joke for the title there. It was what popped into my head. Let's just say: Drugs are bad, okay? Man, it's only Tuesday. *falls off the couch* Really?! I need a TGIF eve fix baaaaad.

I'm not sleeping well lately. Issues at home are affecting that. I'm pretty tired at work, but I'm trying to just push through it. It seems like I know what I want to do though it's not necessarily what everyone wants. I can't get my footing to take the first step. More thinking and soul searching in the cards for me. I swear, I'm going to think myself to death.

I've noticed something about myself and my weight. I have to get things just right or else my body freaks and holds onto everything. Seriously! I don't eat enough, I gain. Eat too much, gain. Back and forth again! I'm working hard though and hopefully toning up if nothing else.

It's kind of like a crossroads time of my life. I'm not sure which way to take it. I know how I envision it, but making it happen is a bit of a fumble for me. I'm going to keep working to figure things out and continue to strive for things I otherwise wouldn't have done as my former self. Creature of habit? No, I'm a creature of change now. Til next time...

Bittersweet Day

2010-04-18T07:45:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning and weighed in. I'm at 156. I'm 1 point from reaching my current 25 lbs lost goal. It's taken me longer than usual, but I just keep holding onto the fact that I'm still going. So what if I'm not the early bird? I bet there will be another worm to get. :P

There's also something else special about today. This date marks 9 years since D and I started dating. Really, I think neither of us remembered the specific day and just chose this one back then(maybe prom day?). I know our first date was at the theater in town to see The Animal starring Rob Schneider. I really can't tell you what I was thinking at that age...probably nothing clearly. Some people would probably say the same about my current thoughts. I don't feel like that's the case, but it's true that I could be under more stress than I can handle and am not getting the amount of sleep I need. Things feel different to me. For the first time, I feel worthy of enjoying life. When I got married, I felt like I was good for nothing except being a wife and MAYBE a mother. I remember sometimes I'd tell myself that no child should be forced to deal with me as a mother, so maybe I really shouldn't have any. Obviously, I couldn't have been more wrong about so much back then. Three weeks have passed and my feelings have not staggered from the breaking point. I hate wait/see stuff, but that's life and I will live it.

Goals: What were my goals? Let me go back... It was January 8, 2010 when I set my goals. I definitely conquered the first goal of exercising 3x a week for a month. Now, did I achieve my medium term goal of losing 16 lbs in 3 months? Actually, I have only lost 6 lbs in 3 months. I'm okay with that because I'm still moving in the right direction. There is a loss, slow and steady, but one the same. My six month goal still remains to be met. I don't feel like I've been hiking per se, but I've walked a nature trail. Really, what defines a HIKE? Clue me in. I was supposed to walk a new trail yesterday, but my friend overslept. We've decided to go for next weekend. I might go exploring it myself if I'm feeling up for it later. I think it's time for some new goals, so I'll be thinking. Have a great day everyone! Til next time...

Barely Breathing

2010-04-17T00:30:00.000-05:00

This week has been a mixed bag. Some days went by fast while others were creeping by so slowly that I wanted to cut someone. I've been working hard though and trying to make sure it's known that I'm a hard worker.

I was given the task of locating some of our materials. Well, they were going to be my work for the morning. I had to check out back in the trailers. Come to find out, they were on the floor the whole time. Great. Wasted time. I'm told to go read the blue print to see if we have all the fixtures we need. It's like looking at Japanese. Pretty but completely incoherent. I study it and start to understand it. I see what's what and now I'm reading the blue print every now and then. "Terrie, go read the blue print and see where such/such goes." Done and located. Woohoo, small success!! Menswear is piled on a table that belongs to ladies-wear... Mens t-shirts don't exactly fit in with women's dressy shirts and jeans, right? I find out what needs to be done to get that taken care of and I'm left with a some what difficult task of sorting a bunch of men's shirts. No pocket tees and I'm up to my eyeballs in them. I actually finish and am quite proud of my work. I had a good instructor(thank you, Lisa).

My feet are definitely hating me lately. They've been cramping up and just aching. I'm going to need to give them a rest soon. Tomorrow is another park, another Saturday. I can't wait to get out in the peace and quiet to just explore and simply appreciate the surroundings. Should be a good time. I'm showered and ready to go basically. I'm going to have time to prepare myself tomorrow unlike the last time where I looked a mess in my pictures haha. Here's hoping anyway! I'm exhausted and need my sleep. Gotta get up early in the morning! :)

Black and Blue!!!

2010-04-14T20:41:00.000-05:00

I'm so emotionally and physically exhausted right now. I have truly become a sun and exercise addict. I want to just move and enjoy the sun. Working helps with that first part, so I have to make it point to get the second part done. I've been working that in by going outside during my breaks.

Yesterday's work was very straining. My coworker was actually shaking trying to put these 22 inch shelves up(we're both semi vertically challenged). I ended up with more bruises than when I first started. All over my biceps, forearms, and even my leg. Yeah, that's singular. One leg seemed to have gotten the brunt work. It looks awful, but it's all in a day's work sometimes when you're on the Wal-Mart Remodel crew.

I've also been searching my soul for what to do about D and me. I don't know where my feelings for him went. I have truly changed a lot and we are completely different people now. I am (and I can't believe I'm saying this) an outdoorsy sun loving nature trail walking woman. None of that fits with what D would like to do with his life. We're not on the same page, much less reading the same book as some people say. To be honest, I'm most of the way okay with this except for how it's going to affect everyone around me. Strange to say, I know. Yes, I am upset. No, I didn't ASK for this. Yes, I want it to work out. But no, I don't see that happening. Love is not making someone change to keep you around. It's so great that he is willing to exercise and eat better if it means keeping me. What's not great is that he'd likely end up being unhappy doing this. I want to try to make both of us happy some how. I think if he could get himself straightened out some how(he and I have talked about his issues), then both of us could find some happiness. Ugh, that's like word vomit. My decisions are my own and I'm trying to remain true to myself through it all and be as honest as I can about my feelings.

My job could be ending in a week or two. No one truly knows yet. There have been rumors of course(aren't there always?). I need to check the job sites to see if I can find anything else in the meantime. I'm so exhausted at the end of the day though that I barely have time for anything anymore, especially when we have random errands to run. Speaking of which, I'm about to fall asleep here. Time for some shut eye. Til next time...

Still Kicking(and Screaming)

2010-04-12T06:05:00.000-05:00

Again, I took a tiny sabbatical from posting. First things first, standstill as far as D and I are concerned. I find it interesting that now all of a sudden he wants to have these bedtime conversations. Not exactly good timing when I'm exhausted and truly just want to go to sleep. He seems to think that's what I get for wanting him to talk!! He also believes that if he forces himself to do things that I ENJOY, I will stay. We both want each other happy but can't get to a happy medium. I don't want him forced to do things he doesn't like because it's not a true interest and would only be forced time together if I made him go hiking/whatnot with me. I'm not sure what the next move is, but I'll keep this updated so everyone knows.

Work, last week went by quite fast for me. I spent a lot of time talking with my coworkers about how I was feeling. I went out to lunch with them on Friday and enjoyed some nice conversation. We talk about a bit of everything. They know what's going on and also have things going on themselves. I actually got off early Friday because I had to stay until 6:30 pm Thursday afternoon. They wanted a lot of work done then and I was happy to hang around for it. That had me reaching 40 hours at 3 pm, which worked out because that's when they sent everyone home. Poor coworker Holly had been out with the stomach bug so she is going to have a short check like I did after I recovered from the flu.

I would have posted sooner if I hadn't had such a busy weekend. Since I got off work early Friday, Holly and I talked in the parking lot for 30 minutes then headed out to the park on that side of town. We could either walk the track or walk the disc golf course. It looked a bit more rugged, so I chose that. It was a blast. We talked and sang songs, even some we had a love/hate for. We walked away from the park to see one of the town's attractions, but we didn't have any tickets for most of it. Just kind of goofed around a bit and then left lol. We decided to stop by the playground and swing a little. I loved it. :) We walked the disc golf course again to make our way back to our cars and headed our separate ways.

I woke Saturday morning with an itch of sorts to experience a state park hiking trail. I did research the night before and found one nearby, so I decided I was going to go. I woke early and went to leave. My car wouldn't crank. It sounded like it was out of gas(yep!), so I took the van. Got there and I had forgotten my checkbook, so I had ZERO cash/anything for the $3 entry fee. Had to go back home then go back. That was alright anyway because I would've been lost getting around there in the dark. I sat and watched the sun rise over the lake, took some pictures, then headed out to the walking trail. I was so peaceful. I sat down in a few spots and simply stared out. It was beautiful. I got back to the van and decided to walk away from it, down a side road, then along another trail. I was there from around 7 am until around 10 am. I'm so surprised my legs weren't KILLING me afterward. I enjoyed it and look forward to possibly doing it again another weekend.

I weighed in yesterday after having a gain last week. I had exercised some at work before last week's weigh in, so I thought it might just be fluid. My weigh in this week was 157.8. So I'm still making my way piece by piece. I'm dealing with things and trying to focus on my emotional issues so I don't overeat. It seems like I need to eat more than I was, but it's easy for me to reach the limit and go over. Spent the day with my parents yesterday and tried not to overeat, but I skipped breakfast and of course...eventually overate. I know better! Ally is waking up and I need to finish getting ready, so that's my update for today. I hope everyone has a great start to their week!

Well?

2010-04-08T06:44:00.000-05:00

"That's a deep subject." It's what I've always been told when I say that. Honestly, my mind is truly in deep thought lately. Maybe that's part of my problem. I can't seem to stop thinking.

The other night, we talked. Tears, apologies, the whole nine. I explained how I was feeling(again), but this time he actually listened. Unfortunately, my emotions feel like it's just too little too late. I've cut out the physical aspect, so I could get a grasp on my emotions and what was truly going on. I couldn't figure out why I was so scatterbrained last week, but by the end of the week I had come to this realization. I think he finds it impossible to read and be in sync with my emotions. I like to believe I'm a pretty open book when it comes to how I feel, so it's almost as if he's just not paying attention to it. You get in your little alternate universe and don't see what is going on around you. Tunnel vision, from the couch to the tv/laptop.

I've found something I like doing. Wow, I like working. What is wrong with me?! Ha. I like being active. Something I really never thought about before I started my journey. Gosh, when I first started I dreaded working out. Now I enjoy a good workout/sweat. I'm not seeing that in my future here. It's almost like I've emotionally given up hope and I'm emotionally empty inside. So yeah, I'm not sure what to do with myself. I thought the zing was still there, but after cutting out the physical I've noticed it's not. That's what I was saying about the emotional connection. It could have been gone for six months-I just don't know and never realized it.

I completely overate last night. Stupid emotions, but I've gotten down to what I was two weigh ins ago. If I can keep myself straight and find some where to walk at work, whether around the building or in store, then I might manage to get below that by Sunday. We'll see. I'm not fretting over it too much, simply trying to listen to my body and eat until I'm satisfied.

I feel like an idiot at work sometimes. Managers/Supervisors tell me things and I completely forget. That was only yesterday though. I like to think I'm pretty good at remembering important things. Sometimes I DON'T think(*GASP*) and end up reacting with it inevitably blowing up in my face. Blah. Who knows, I could be on another job hunt in a few weeks. Again, something else out of my control. I'm just going to do the best I can until we're done. I have to find my last check stub for Ally's WIC appointment and then get her ready to go. Wanted to take her early since MIL is picking her up around 8, but I don't see getting her there early happening lol. Gah! We're over the hump-yay! Happy Thursday, til next time!

Hiding Away

2010-04-06T06:59:00.000-05:00

I'll go ahead and admit it first thing. I've kind of been hiding from the blogosphere these last few days. There are things going on that I pretty much wished would go away, but of course that's not how the world works. My body is handling both emotional pain and physical pain. I'm worn out from faking it until I make it. I feel like I am running in place.

Since last week, I've been thinking about mine and D's relationship. Really, over the past year things have been changing. Just recently, I realized how different we've become. I've gone from self-loathing to being confident enough to apply for a job. I used to be deathly afraid of change. I remember when we lived at the trailer that I didn't even want to leave the house, much less apply for a freaking job. No one was ever going to want or need me, so I might as well not bother trying. Negativity brings negative results. I'm not the same person I was when I got married. Now that I'm starting to feel physically whole, I'm losing the emotional wholeness of our relationship because we're interested in different things and truly have different beliefs.

I never thought I'd ever be working a job. I thought I was happy as a SAHM, but as time went on I realized I wasn't. I love my daughter, but it took a lot for me to get out of bed in the morning and stay awake all day. An outside job does that for me and it makes me feel productive. Any SAHMs out there, don't feel like I'm saying y'all aren't productive and whatnot. These are just my thoughts/feelings about my individual situation. Every one and every situation is different.

I have been a stay at home wife and mom for so long that I guess we got used to it. I don't know that I was ever happy with it because I always felt like I needed a little help in that department even though some thought I shouldn't. Again, every situation is different and I'm entitled to my feelings, plus I know more than anyone else how much my body can handle. Well, it can't handle a full time job and a house. Quite frankly, it shouldn't have to. A marriage is two people, not one. If I need some extra hands, then they should be there. While they have been around, they haven't been moving much. Sarcasm can be cute, but when you use it too much... Things get old. We had a serious talk Saturday morning. Well, I talked and he listened. No comments from him. It felt like I poured my heart out for nothing. Even more so when I asked if he would help me clean up the house for my family's Easter gathering and his response was, "I don't know." So I didn't even bother with it that night because you know how when you get tired, you end up getting over emotional? That would've been me! I just went to sleep and started on it the next morning. Got it all done practically by myself until it got down to the wire and he picked up a few things off the table, then started on the dishes while I was out to the store. That's great and all, but it'd be even better if I knew it would last. I don't know though and I don't know where to go from here. I feel like he needs to learn how to do things himself and he can't do that with me always picking up the pieces around here. I really got no reaction at all until I started rejecting his affections toward me. Like I said, physically we're fine but I feel emotionally disconnected. I want to do things that he would absolutely NOT want to do.

Tough cookies. Harsh reality. It's where I am right now. I don't like "airing my dirty laundry" or whatnot, but y'all deserve to know what's going on if it's going to affect my posts like it has. There it is. Now, losing weight isn't going to ruin your marriage. I thought I should throw that out there. When I got with D, I was 15 and had just gone through a serious incident that pretty much left me damaged. D would even tell you himself that I was a bit whacked out back then. Angry, upset over the tiniest things, easily annoyed. Like I said(again, I know you're getting tired of it lol), individual situations. This is mine. Whew.

I have 3 minutes to get my lunch together... I only hope my car defrosts good enough for me to drive off this morning. Wednesday is almost here, so I hope today goes by as fast as yesterday. Talk about a blur. Til next time, thoughts and prayers for me to be guided in the right direction...

Good Friday... Or Maybe Bad.

2010-04-02T18:23:00.000-05:00

Easter is upon us! I feel like it kind of sneaked up on me, but it truly didn't. I knew all week it was coming. I just find it difficult to do anything outside of work and going to bed.

All week they have been playing it up. "It's going to be really busy on Friday, so every one of you will be on customer duty-making sure the customers can find what they need and get out of here." Then I found out our supervisors/whatnot would be leaving us at NOON. The store manager would disperse us as seen fit. Oh, happy day.

Today was another "I wish I had a penis day" because I could possibly get away from the craziness through doing outside work. I don't know if there are special kinds for special jobs LOL but it seems that way sometimes!! This one for that job, bigger one for another one. Only kidding!! :) I did find out that I have a reputation amongst the managers as being a "talker" instead of working. Really? Mistaken. So mistaken. But that's okay. I know my work gets done.

It truly was a tough day for me. From first break til the time I got to head out of there, my stomach was doing flips. I felt like I was going to be sick. On top of that, I thought my legs were going to fall off. I guess the running/walking during my break was getting to me. I'm also always trying to get in some extra steps at work as well, so a lot is hurting. I walked a short distance on today's last break then sat in the sun with my coworker. It was nice, loved it. Maybe I should just lay in the sun some days... This weekend is very welcome. I need the break. I'm about to fall asleep right now and D is wanting to go some where. I could just curl up in bed and be happy. Ugh, is 6:30 pm too early to go bed?! I can't type any more!!

Shocked? No. Angered? Yes.

2010-04-01T06:52:00.000-05:00

It seems to be taking even more adjustment time for me to get used to the office politics and simply the way things are in the world. Not everyone is cut from the same stone and this includes men AND women. I like doing "grunt work" as I call it. It makes me feel good. Maybe that's why I'm so hard on myself about not getting my exercise in. I feel good when I sweat it out lol.

I put a chair together yesterday. It was a patio chair with washers and screws and screw caps. I put that chair together BY MYSELF! So we needed a guy to loosen a screw that someone else tightened so much so that I couldn't get it out. Well, throw a fit over it! It was either that or we sit there for 30 minutes trying to undo a screw. Really, which do you think they'd rather we do? Get it DONE or tinker with it the rest of the day? Well, I don't know with how troubling it is to find work for us to do. Maybe they would rather we just tinker. It's stuff like, "Ladies, grab a broom. Here Mr. Man, take the leaf blower!" Honestly? What if I wanted it? If I'm being brutally honest here, I probably wouldn't have known the first thing about it but I saw the off/on switch. Isn't that all that matters? Gas and turning the power on? You never know until you try, right? I'm not exactly getting the chance to. C'est la vie though, eh? At least I KNOW I can operate a pallet jack and pull that sucker with 5 pallets on it. Freaking awesome.

I believe there are a lot of small things affecting me that are turning into one big emotional breakdown or two or three... Whatever. So I did the only thing I knew to do to prevent myself from losing it. I ran. I got to my break time and I took off. A coworker offered her ear, but I just didn't want to talk about out and went behind the building. I sat down for a minute, texted Facebook(cause I'm a dork like that), and then just couldn't sit still. There was a grassy area and I took advantage. I ran back and forth a few times there, then even ran a little through the parking lot. I didn't care what anyone was thinking at the time. I had to think about me because it was obvious no one else was and I just wanted to be alone while I let off some steam. I might have a running buddy though if she is up for it next week. We'll see. I'd love to run a little every other day on my last break at work. I always seem to need to blow off steam around that time lol. I love that time of day though because it usually goes by super fast after last break.

Gah, do my feet hurt though!! I think I've broken my nikes in too much already for them to be good running shoes. Might have to look into another pair. It's a short paycheck today, so we'll see if that can happen or if I'll have to wait til next payday. Time to get the car cranked(if it's fogged up) and get Ally ready to go. She hates getting ready, but she seems to enjoy actually walking into the daycare center now. A lot of thoughts in this woman's mind(and I will be the first to tell you that some of them are REALLY STUPID-i.e., upset that I'm not getting more attention from the guys-yes, a totally WTH am I thinking thought?!), but I need to catch my grip on reality before I LOSE my mind. Til next time!

Be Social or... Exercise?

2010-03-30T19:53:00.000-05:00

So far I have not met my goal of 10 minutes of exercise any day of this week. Sunday I have no excuse other than I went out with my sister and just chose to relax on my "weekend". This is tough!

This week has been very tiring. I haven't been getting my usual 9 hours of sleep a night and I feel it wearing on me. It's really weird how people go on 6 hours of sleep and it seems like I can't get any less than 9 without it affecting me. It kind of sucks! I need that energy. It makes my work day go by faster. I'm dragging when I don't have energy!! I have all this drainage mess still and that isn't helping. Like right now, I'd love some hot chocolate to help my throat. It's pretty close to bed time though and would likely affect how well I sleep. I will just save it for morning and have a hot chocolate or chocolate protein shake for breakfast. It hasn't been my best meal of the day lately.

Today I told myself I'd get that exercise in. What happened? I could probably come up with all kinds of excuses about how time just got away from me and whatnot. The real deal is and I can't believe I'm saying this... I like being social. I want to be liked. I want to have fun. What better way to do that than spend time getting to know your coworkers? Top that o ff with how my feet are KILLING me by the end of the day and of course, the last thing I'm considering when I get home is hopping on the Wii Fit and getting my workout on. So really the only thing to do is pick a time during the day to get it done and stick to that. It's just 10 minutes, right? That's ONE break or 10 minutes of my one hour lunch. Surely I can do that.

Bah. I have a kid throwing a tantrum because I took her shoes off. I'm not letting her sleep in her dang shoes. I'm exhausted and need to wash my face/brush my teeth before going to bed. She needs a shower... I'm hoping D will take care of that and let me go on to bed. I'm sure ready for it. Need need sleep. So much for getting my hair colored tonight. It's tempting to try, but I'd likely fall asleep with it in! Maybe after getting more rest tonight, I can get D to help with that tomorrow. I can't wait to have my hair one color again LOL! Ah, small pleasures. Seriously, time for bed. I'm OUT...til next time.

A Perfect Storm is Brewing

2010-03-28T11:17:00.000-05:00

I have a feeling that I'm going to be a candidate for missed work if I keep going down the path I'm on. I wish the path would fork and give me a better direction to go, but so far it's keeping me on track to another doctor's visit in my near future. And if I go to my regular doctor, that means missed work because they are an 8-5 establishment (my exact work hours). Great. I keep learning to "go with what/who you know" and as convenient as it would be to go elsewhere, I have a sinking feeling that I'd regret it after I get the bill.

So what's going on other than trying not to drink too much hot chocolate in an attempt to break up this drainage? I broke even this week with a weigh in of 159.4, same as last week. It's great in a way because it shows that skipping meals does NOT help with weight loss. Appetite was MIA and stress was UP. Now I'm going into a new week and things aren't looking a whole lot different. This drainage hasn't gone away yet, I've developed a pain right between my neck and shoulder (slept on it wrong? who knows!), and I feel like sinus pressure might be affecting at least one of my ears. I can only keep hoping this mess will clear up with my continued efforts and maybe I can find the time for some extra exercise this week even if it is only 10 minutes here and there. Anything!

My stomach is screaming at me for food. I have laundry that needs to be done and of course, there are dishes that I never did finish last week! C'est la vie. I wish I didn't feel so tired this weekend. It may have something to do with me missing my meds so much. I really need to get back on schedule with everything this week. So that's my agenda. I might have to get up earlier than I have been, but it will be worth it if I can straighten my sleep out and get my eating back to normal(kind of hard without an appetite, but we'll see what I can do). Until next time...

Job Qualifications: Mind Reader?

2010-03-26T20:21:00.000-05:00

If there is a Communication 101 class available for management people, it's something that would be a perfect consideration for my place of employment. I'm not talking about ALL of these places because I've heard that some actually have things straight. Not quite the case where I'm working. I think I missed the part of the job description where it said I had to be a MIND READER.

I went into work today, not quite knowing where to leave my lunch bag and water bottle. They were working on remodeling the break room and I had been setting it on top of the fridge(where everyone else was), but it kept getting moved to the table. I left to clock in at 8 and left it on the table. I went in there for break at 10 and it was gone. Gah, seriously?! People in there tell me that some employees' personal belongings are ending up in the trash. Say what? I'm supposed to look through THE TRASH for MY STUFF? I do not think so. Thankfully, there are a few wonderful people amidst the chaos. My water bottle was at the bottom of the trash bag. Awesome. They get it out along with a lunch bag(that ISN'T mine) while I'm off talking to the personnel manager because I don't know where else to go when the store manager could actually CARE LESS that this crap is going on and says I should have put my items on the shelf. Well, if someone had told me that was where they wanted us to put our items in OUR BREAK ROOM then I would have been happy to oblige and follow the rules. I have to know them before I can follow them, thank you.

I calm down after talking with personnel manager(God love her, she is the nicest-assigned me a locker after even offering to let me leave my items in her office) and go out to see if my lunch bag has been located. It hasn't, so I follow Connie to the suspected trash bag and start to put gloves on. But of course, in walks Jesse(How about that timing? Wow! LOL) and takes over before I can even get the second glove on. Geez, oh my! There it is. Ugh, the profane words going through my mind. Connie sprays them down(don't ask me with what because I have no clue, just some kind of disinfectant) and I run them into the break room to throw them on the shelf so I can finally head out to work. After my personal belongings were thrown in the trash, they decided to explain that the 3 shelves on the wall were for such items-day shift on the bottom, mid shift in the middle, and overnight shift up top. They even have the MICROWAVES on shelves!! What the heck? Anyway, they finally slap labels on those babies after this debacle. Ooh, thanks for doing that after the fact. So nice.

A quick stop by the bathroom and good grief, I'm a mess and a it's already 11 o'clock. I'm fanning my face, trying to get my color back and I realize I look awful with my hair up and my face beet red. I let my hair down and give myself a few minutes before I head on out. Luckily, I'm working out in the open air that is the Garden Center. I got to move plants and beat legs into tables(very therapeutic). Of course my mind had to move to the gutter at some point. Who knows how it got there! But yeah, some of my coworkers got to hear a different side of me. Whoops, must have been the Instant Vigor I was treated to from Smoothie King! Yes, I'm blaming the drink. Really though, who am I fooling?! Love me or leave me, the choice is yours or maybe I don't give them a choice-ha!!

I am so ready for this gunk to get out of my system. I miss singing in the commute to/from work and at random times during the day. I swear, sometimes it the only thing that takes my mind off the craziness. Speaking of craziness, I now have this rash on my hands. It's probably from the plants I was handling all day. I didn't notice it until after I had that smoothie, but I'm pretty sure that didn't cause it. I've had their smoothies before without any reaction and I know I'm not allergic to strawberries, pineapple, lemon juice, turbinado, vanilla protein blend, x-treme caffeine(wait a minute... :P), or the immune enhancer added to it. Bigger probability on the PLANTS. Certainly not a gardener in any way, so that's the closest I've been to anything like that. Hopefully it will clear up over the weekend and we won't have to go back in there.

That was my day in a nutshell. Happy Birthday to my Mama! She was sick with swine flu, so I hope she was still able to have a decent day. TGIF so much more than I can say. Honestly. On the real. Now that I've gotten my emotional breakdown out of the way, maybe next time I can breakdown at home. All alone. Not in front of people I have to face every week day. Cause that's not cool with me. At all. I know the words flew behind my back and you know what they say about ignorance... Have a blissful weekend, friends!

Upset Upper Management and Peon Positions

2010-03-25T07:06:00.000-05:00

The other day turned into a long day. Someone decided to stockpile merchandise in a few buggies and then leave them. I was part of the group of people left putting that stuff away after 5 pm. They don't like it when you get overtime, but they don't allow you to leave until aforementioned buggy is empty and in it's proper place(which in this case is up front at the door for customers). Someone over the people who are over us came over and gave us a talking to. "Most of the overstock is NOT overstock. This item has two facings AND two locations, so you can fit four of these items in two different locations plus stock in behind those." I knew that! I wasn't seeing any duplicate locations in this specific area. We got the stuff put away and everyone left the area, but I had to stay behind to guard a spill. A coworker noticed and helped me get it cleaned up. I forgot about the busted shampoo bottles that were over there, but I'm sure one of the afternoon shift ladies got it. I got out of there at 5:38. And I thought I was tired getting home after that.

Yesterday morning, it seemed like we were going to be working on Cosmetics. One supervisor took her group of four people, another took a group of guys(basketball goal construction), and I was put with 4 other people on cleaning duty(it was more like 5 but the guy with us was called over to the first group after a short period-must be nice). Let me tell you, cleaning duty does not pass time fast enough. I was dusting off displays, the stands for the displays, and even boxes of merchandise. We had to do it TWICE. Then I worked with another woman to help finish up a knife display. Someone had tried to take a knife out of the display. Those things are SECURED in there. Do people really think Wal-Mart is going to allow free range knives to be sitting on the shelf for the sake of display? No. Someone thought it though and broke the handle trying to remove it. I had to find superglue. I found a pack of 4 small tubes where one was broken. My lucky day! Only not really. As soon as I popped the foil on the glue tube, the stuff came pouring out and now I have permanent bandages until this stuff wears. Strange feeling! After lunch, I started on another area and the merchandise put away had to be brought back over to the department and organized into it. That took up the rest of the afternoon. I did have some guy wave at me in passing when I was outside on my lunch. He was in a Ram Jack truck. I think that was the company name. I had to laugh because I guess he saw me dancing around to the radio! Love listening to music on my lunch!!

I even had a lady comment to me(or employees altogether-it was me and another woman), "Y'all must think people are stupid. None of this stuff is on clearance. We're not stupid." I bit my tongue. I don't set the prices, lady. I just put the stuff over here and then come back for it later when upper management decides that room needs to be made for it. Gah! The area I worked on when I was sick last week was being redone, but they said it seemed like it was pointless maneuvering after they moved everything. I don't know. I followed the mod sheet and I thought it was right! So much adjusting and readjusting. To top it all off, I walked out of Wal-Mart with Jesse(co-worker) and I got this feeling. My car was DEAD. Wouldn't click or turnover or give me anything more than a faint ding ding ding. A guy stopped to help me, tried to jump it off. Another guy stopped and asked if the first guy had it covered(uh, yeah...). No dice on the jump off, so I had him take the battery off for me so I could go in and have it tested. They said it was dead(I was told they would because they just want the money), so they got me another one. It was free since I had just gotten the dead battery in January of last year and it had a 3 year warranty. D arrives and tries to get the battery on but since I can't understand mechanics, my BIL ends up getting there with my sister and he hooks it up. Turns out, I was telling D the wrong way. He had it hooked up, but I thought it was the wrong way! We left there a little bit before 8. We got home and it was time for bed. Blah. I'm hoping the battery is it for a while. I can't handle it dying in the middle of a highway again. Not fun!

Gotta get Ally ready now. The daycare said Ally hasn't had any accidents while there so far this week. I'm going to have to ask how they do it, if they just take her every so often or if she requests to go. Hoping for a good day today and not too many peon positions. I just want to know what I'm doing and be able to work on it for a while(passes the time better). Til next time!!

Time to End It

2010-03-22T13:29:00.000-05:00

This sickness. I'm done with it! I missed work again today because of Ally having a fever last night, so it's time to end it. I'm ready to go back to work and I already told D, next time he's staying home!! Oh, and if he gets the flu from not taking his Tamiflu then I'm going to beat him when he has to miss work due to a fever. We don't need anyone else missing anymore work in this household!

Called the pediatrician's office at 8 and was able to get an appointment for 8:40. I wasn't expecting such an early appointment, but I wanted that and we had to hurry to finish getting ready. I made it there by 8:45, nearly turned around after I passed it on the right(no turn in from there) but I noticed a road right after and I quickly went from inside lane into a right turn. There I go driving all crazy again!! LOL It was the right way though thankfully. :) Sonic was tempting, but I resisted. Maybe another time when I can actually taste the food I'm eating!

Ally was not happy about being at the doctor's. She kept standing against the door, saying "Doctor can't come in!" Didn't want the doctor touching her, screamed and screamed after the flu test and finger prick(I understand the nose swab though, it even made MY eyes water!). Everything looked good though(whew!), but her ears were red. We were going to do chewable amoxicillin but Walgreen's didn't have it so I ok'ed them to do the liquid. I wasn't up for running some where else(glad I didn't). I let Ally look around a bit and we left. Got a few red lights down the road and click-car completely died. I'm sitting at a red light and I see traffic coming behind me. Talk about scaring the life out of someone! I looked over at the guy in the passenger seat of the car beside me and started screaming "my car died!" He looks over, into the back, and then jumps out to push us off the highway. He's gone for like a minute(seriously) and the car dings back on so I put it in park. The guys pull up next to me, asking if it's okay/will crank. I try and it does. Fretarded vehicle. No, that's not a typo. :P Honestly, is it wrong for me to desire a BORING DAY? Go to work, come home, family time and dinner, bed, then rinse/repeat the next day! That's all I'm asking. KISS-keep it simple, stupid!

MIL said one of my coworkers asked her how I was doing. I do work with some pretty nice people. It'll be bittersweet to go back because I enjoy doing it but sitting here with Ally is nice too even if I do have this nausea looming over me. I probably just need to eat. Only had a banana and it wasn't all that great. Kind of takes away the enjoyment of food when you can barely taste it. Darn senses. At least now I can breathe through my nose and give my throat a much needed rest from being dried out. Seems I'm an open-mouthed sleeper, which doesn't help a sore throat.

I weighed in at 159.4 this morning. Nothing to be all excited about since last weigh in was 161 and I've been sick. I'm sure the 4 slices of cheesecake I had yesterday put a little up in my weight. I don't know other than D said we have two days to eat it, so I had it for breakfast and dinner. Shared a salad with Ally in between. At least it wasn't all junk! My appetite is still not back today, so we're snacking on popcorn. Ally went commando all night. She said she wanted to sleep like Mama and Daddy do lol. I didn't check her bed, but she didn't pee in ours and she was in it part of the night. I'm an even bigger sucker for it now since I'm not with her all day during the week! She did pee on the waiting room table thing while we were waiting for the doctor. I had taken her twice before that and she wouldn't go. Not sure why, but she had a little tinkle later then peed herself on the way home. I should just take her every so often instead of waiting for her to ask and making sure to take her before we leave the house or the store. I just hope I have enough clothes for her/for this! I feel like we should just keep going with it though or else it'll never happen! Kids have accidents all the time, so it's normal! A lot going on, but I'll be happy when the sickness gets out of my house and things can become semi boring again. I swear, I'm sounding like Knick Knocks from Imagination Movers LOL! Take care everyone and hopefully when I update next, I'll be talking about the craziness at work again. Til then...

Bad Grief: A Long Story

2010-03-20T10:10:00.001-05:00

I definitely can't say it's any where near "good" grief right now. It's just bad. Thursday did not magically get any better. It took a big turn for the worse.

I was ready Thursday, but I honestly thought it wasn't much to be ready for. It seemed like allergy/sinus crap. I knew you could get a fever with a sinus infection, so I figured that was all it was. My fever continued to get worse though. Figures as much since it was payday and my first full check needed to go some where, so why not to a doctor's office? I toughed it out all day. Had lunch at Subway with two coworkers(I pray they or anyone else has avoided this sickness). Made it to 1:30 and couldn't stay any longer. The fever wasn't going down even though I had been taking aspirin every 4 hours. Thankfully, I was assigned to a task all by myself so I had minimal contact with everyone else since I notified everyone that I was sick. I felt fine other than the fever and some body aches, which I figure were just from work in general since I was still getting used to the extra movement. The chills continued as I drove off to find a doctor's office. I stopped by a free clinic I was told about. The lady handed me a sheet of paper saying what all they needed by this time M-Thur and that a doctor could see me Tuesday evening. I have a fever of 100-101 around this time, so I'm thinking it's crazy to wait that long. I was also told about Med Serve, so I call them to check on their rates-$67 to $111. I don't remember much else about it other than she said I had been to one before, but I would be considered a new patient the next day because it would mark 3 years. So that's where I went. My regular doctor's office said $65 to $100 so it really wasn't all that different. I sat shivering in the waiting room for an hour and asked how much longer it would be-another hour. It was 4:20 and my regular doctor's office sees patients up to 4:30 and I figured I would at least get out of there by 5:30 where it would be much longer if I waited there. I thought about it, then left. I'm not ever going back. I don't see the greatness of it other than they only ask for 25% of your bill up front. Great, but I'm shivering and feverish so I didn't feel like I could wait that long. I got to my doctor's office by 4:30 on the dot to find that I'd be left waiting even longer. They had already locked all doors and turned off the lights. I called and yep, they stopped seeing patients BEFORE 4:30 today. Being the stubborn person I am and refusing to succumb to the Med Serve madness, I decided to go to Wal-Mart and get my own medicine. Due to the kind of work I was doing, the pharmacist also thought it could be allergies. I picked up generic Zyrtec and some Ibuprofen to alternate with the aspirin. I took one of each when I got back to the van and we left to get dinner because I was not up for cooking and well, I don't think D ever is really up for cooking dinner(by that I mean a main dish with sides-normally two veggies).

My fever had actually dropped after I took the meds, so I was relieved. I had only taken ONE Ibuprofen. Maybe I was right about the allergies. Or not. My nose dried up a little, but the fever came back with a vengeance. By 3 am, it had gotten up to 101.8. It was a rough night between the fever and Ally waking up off/on wanting to potty or just come to our bed. I asked D to take care of her in the bathroom so I could lay back down(I was shivering) and he acted like I was asking too much of him. Could have been the late night grouch in him from Ally waking us up so much. Still, it made me feel guilty.

I got up Friday and the fever was gone. I was sitting at 97.5. Nice. I thought I could drop Ally off at daycare, go to the doctor, then go to work right after. I even dressed FOR work. Saw on the chart that my fever was still gone, temp was 98.1(weight at 165 fully clothed but I hate being dehydrated-made my ONE PAIR of size 14s fit better, but I'm going to get those fluids back baby!). Got in to see my usual doc, she checked me out, looked at my throat and ears. "Let's get a CBC on you so we can tell if this is more bacterial or flu." Flu-it went in one ear and out the other. This thick cough, headache, runny nose didn't seem like the flu. A nurse comes in for blood and it's barely coming out of my finger. I ask if hydration level can affect how well it flows and she says it can affect it. I knew I was a bit dehydrated after sweating in bed all night. She leaves with what she believes to be enough blood, if not barely. A few minutes and another nurse comes in with this huge q-tip. Not good. Nose swab for the flu test. Up my nostrils it goes and boy, does it burn. My nose is already sensitive from being blown to bits with all this drip I had going on. So I wait, doc walks in... "You tested positive for the flu." What?! I was in absolute shock. I have the flu. Ally had strep last week, so I figured it might just be that. "Did they test her for the flu?" No... "She could have had the flu too. Might be where you picked it up." Who knows. I hate germs. She says she will give me a prescription for Tamiflu, but I need to know how much it's going to cost me. Hundreds of dollars per person without insurance? They know a way of going through a state program to get it for free though, but I would have to pick them up at Kroger. I can handle that versus paying hundreds of dollars. I ask about D and Ally because we don't know that they have had it, so she writes up one for each of them for precautionary measures.

Kroger on my side of town was great. No wait at all. Only they were out of the liquid for Ally, but they found out the other Kroger had it. I had to drive over there. It was a 20-25 minute wait. I guess it's understandable since they have to mix hers and ours were capsules. I looked at cards(my mom's birthday is coming up), laughed at a few, picked up one or two here/there, thought about it and put them back. Reminiscent of my old behaviors in life, over-thinking things! I thought they were funny, but would she agree?? I figure I better stop touching things and get Ally's meds, so I did and left. Walked all the way out to the end of the parking lot. Where is my car? I thought I parked down this aisle. I went up the next aisle over and I finally see it...in the aisle I just came from. I walked by it and didn't even see it?! Aye. I was happy to get home.

I had to leave again soon though because D locked his keys in the van. Good day to do it, but I'd rather it not have happened at all. I wasn't feeling well, but had to go anyway. He at least got off early and I had asked him if he would do some dishes. "Let me see how I'm feeling first." So of course, he played his DSi until it was time to leave. He went to deposit his paycheck, pick up Ally, and stop by Wal-Mart for some food stuff and cough drops. He gets home and heats up his Chinese left overs for him and figures Ally can just eat some of his instead of him fixing her something to eat. She nibbles on ONE piece of sesame chicken. I ask him if he's done eating and I have a few pieces of chicken. He asks if I'm almost done with the computer, but I'm not(editing pics and was going to upload them to Facebook). I'm also watching Y&R on Soap Network since I never see it on CBS anymore-not here at that time anymore and our VCR is in here so Ally can watch movies/tapes. I told him he could miss out on one evening during this week, so that I could do and see these things that I have given up(I think I said sacrificed. I don't know what the right word would be!). He's mad, shuts the laptop, puts it on my lap, and leaves the room. Neither of us got on the laptop for the whole night(he also stayed in the bedroom all evening, said I needed the "quiet time"). Ally was saying she was hungry, so I fixed her a pb&j sandwich(ended up crying during the whole thing because she was so darn impatient and I wasn't moving fast enough after two nights of little sleep). It's still sitting on her table. I had to clean up the to go boxes and paper plate this morning at 2 am when I woke up(fever was up and I was just hurting all over-I slept on our couch recliner). After I get done here, I'm going to throw it outside for the birds or whatever animal might eat it. Ally was up at 3 am, snacking on goldfish and drinking milk with Tamiflu in it. She didn't drink all of it, so the last of it is in the fridge. I hope she finishes it, but I think some chocolate syrup would help. :P She started getting upset when I told her to keep her fingers out of her mouth, so I sent her to bed with D. After going from probably 7 pm to 2 am, I slept from around 5 am to around 8:30 am. D is up and showered, now in the bedroom with Ally. The five words he said to me this morning, "I'm getting in the shower." Well, he said something else to me too(about Ally since I went to the bathroom while he was showering). He said Ally was looking at him while he waited for her to go potty and she said, "I see something!" I think maybe we need to stay partially dressed around her now! No more seeing things!

D and Ally get to leave soon for Richard's(our nephew) 1st birthday party. I have to stay home. I also misplaced the birthday/Christmas money we put back, so I had to use all the cash I had left to get his gift. Tried to look for the money, but got too hot. If I have no fever for 24 hours before Monday, then I can return to work on Monday. The fever was on it's way down a little while ago, so I'm hoping. I hate the task ahead of me though-dishes, laundry, both have piled up on me. It's tough when I can't stay up past 8 pm when I get home at 5:30 and Ally is vying for my attention. So yeah. I'm burning up right now and could probably use something to eat. Pretty sure I've written enough. No clue what will be in the next scheduled post after all this! I'm going to hobble into the kitchen and slowly find myself some breakfast. Temp has gone down by itself-98.9. FINALLY. I'm just going to keep taking it easy so I can recover and then I will get the household stuff done a little at a time. Hope everyone's still awake out there! (Ugh, took me 8 hours to finish this!!) Til next time...

A Page from the Book of STUPID

2010-03-18T06:53:00.000-05:00

When you think things can't get any worse, don't forget be real with yourself. It can and often times it actually will. That was my St. Patty's Day.

I've had this yucky feeling since the week started. It finally hit full blast yesterday morning, but I didn't even realize it until I was out on the road and acting dangerously. I know two routes to take Ally to daycare, but I was only using one and didn't really think about the other until I came up on the scene of an accident completely blocking the way I needed to turn. All kinds of thoughts were going through my mind. Do I even remember the other way? I can't picture it. Gah, it's almost 7:20 and that's normally what time I drop her off! Am I going to be late today? In the middle of all these riveting thoughts, the policeman moves his flashlight for me to come on through. My mind is mapping the other route while my body is like "What the heck? You don't have time for this!" and I slowly and mindlessly swerve toward the right only it's on the OTHER SIDE of the road. Of course, poor Mr. Policeman jumps in front of me because I'm not only endangering my life but also the life of my child(how's that for a what the heck moment?!) and I quickly swerve around to get moving in the right direction. What would have taken me about 5 minutes from there, took me 15 minutes. The other route didn't seem too badly crowded though it could have been timing since that's not the time I'd be traveling it. I'm going to give it a shot today and see how long it takes me.

My yucky feeling took a turn for the worse after I got home from work-possibly before, but I have no way to check my temp at work. I started getting chills, so I checked my temp-99.1. Perfect. I'm sure it will only go up from here. It took all night, but I woke at 12:30 feeling feverish and got up to check it-99.8. Oh yeah, it's getting there. Knowing my stubbornness and lack of desire to miss work, I popped some aspirin and went back to bed. By 1:30 it had dropped down to a measly 98.8. I know because Ally woke me up at that time to go potty for NO REASON. She had probably just peed her diaper and that woke her up. She woke again around 3 am and came to our bed(not enjoying the crowd there).

All day through the workday, I'd find something to do only to have someone come along and recruit me for something else. I like being needed and all, but holy cow. The question of the day for me was, "Hey Terrie, what have they got you doing? Terrie, what are you working on? What are you doing?" Wow.

I'm not expecting much from today. I am going to be prepared. I'm TAKING the thermometer to work with me and I have aspirin in MIL's locker in case I get fever again. If I do, I may consider going to the doctor some where... I say that because no insurance is likely to cost a pretty penny depending on where you go. I will have tissue as well because the snot is running like mad. That's not even all I've got going on right now. Family drama. Nephew's birthday party this weekend. Joyous days.

So far: Week of Scolding

2010-03-16T19:44:00.000-05:00

It's already been a tough start to the week. This morning I thought I would hop online, do my blog post and then finish getting ready for work. Ally was eating the fried egg I prepared for her when she bit into the yolk. Since she was only in a t-shirt, the yolk ran down her legs! I tried wiping it off and it wasn't working, so off I ran to throw her in the shower. No, not literally-though she probably would find that kind of funny as long as I did it gently. By the time I finished that, I had to shut down the laptop and finish getting ready. No time for a post. Figures.

I can't pinpoint which days these scolding events occurred, but it has been this week. In the last two work days. LOL One misstep was leaving a cart where it was blocking an aisle. "Don't leave your carts where they're blocking aisle. We want the customers to be able to get to what they need. It's okay, just don't block the aisles." Eeeeeh, yeah. Got it.

Another time, I along with another woman were assigned to work an area. We didn't have what we needed, but someone who did came along and began working on it. We left them to it. No sense in us standing there and watching when we had no where to put the stuff. We moved on to another area and someone comes calling for me. It's been happening a lot lately, me being summoned by name from someone across the way who needs a helper or in this case, to scold me about something. Well, they asked, "What happened to you(y'all) working on that area?" Explanation here. "Okay, well next time you're going to leave an assigned area just let me know so I'm not looking around for you to see what's going on." Sure thing. It's not often that I'm assigned to an area anyway, but it makes no sense to stand around in your assigned area when you don't have the equipment you need to finish it! So alright, understood. Aye.

And oh today, the clincher... He whose name shall not be mentioned but was in a terrible mood had a run in with me. I had been trying to avoid him so our personalities wouldn't clash, but it was unavoidable since he was hanging around the work area and quite frankly I wanted to work!! So maybe it made a little sense, but the tone behind it was not very nice. I was getting a shelf for the modular I was working on and he noticed, then questioned me about it. He grabbed a pallet jack and rolled it over to my area. Fine, I thanked him. As I walked the two or three feet to pick up a shelf, he says, "Don't walk to get it. It's got wheels. Roll it to wherever you need it. You're wasting time walking to get it!" Really, like 10 seconds of time wasted? Golly gee, what a...WASTE.

You also got to love "office gossip". Not really an office, but you get what I'm saying. Someone asked me today what was wrong and why I was crying in the bathroom. Uh, say what? Someone said I was in the bathroom sobbing. Really?? Um, no. I've been sniffling snotty and possibly had a fever. I suppose it was misinterpreted as crying! I have a scratchy sore throat to go along with all this, so yay me.

I'm not feeling too good right now. We baked pizzas for supper. Something easy. One nice thing has happened. I ran into an old acquaintance. He hadn't seen me in 5+ years!! That long ago I was a bit bigger and wasn't feeling quite so good about myself. I saw the way he looked at me too!! Not sure he would've realized it was me if I hadn't been wearing my name tag. Sweeeeeeet. I'm glad I seem to be memorable. I just hope I'm being remembered for good things though!

It was hard to push through today when all I wanted to do was stuff tissue up my nose to stop the drip. I made it and I am so sleepy right now. Almost 8, so it's nearing my bedtime. I require lots of sleep lately. More than the suggested 8, but typically less than 10. For those like me who suck at math-that means 9 hours of sleep a night! :P I hope whatever this crud is makes its way out soon. I could barely lift a shelf that I was lifting last week with no problems. I suppose my body could be fighting something! I'm so ready for Thursday-PAYDAY. I've already promised myself a pretty pair of dangle earrings since I only have one or two pairs I can wear. They have to be real, not sterling silver/nickel free/even hypoallergenic. They all get my ears infected. Gross. I'm freezing now. Here's to a good rest of the week. Got to be on my toes!! Until next time...

Reevaluating Calorie Needs

2010-03-14T09:37:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I forgot this. I am knowledgeable enough about calories/exercise to know that with increased regular activity, you need increased calories. What I failed to confirm was HOW MANY.

This week, I tested the waters by doing what I would consider overeating a bit. A few snacks here, a big dinner there... I dropped 2 lbs this week. Two frackin' pounds, people!! I had a freaking cool whip bowl of spaghetti with ground turkey and Parmesan cheese sprinkled on top, then half of Ally's KitKat bar and two Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I clearly need to figure out my new caloric intake before this backfires on me. I know it can and eventually will if I continue "testing it" without confirming the amounts I truly need. At least now I realize what's been holding me back lately. I probably haven't been eating enough, though I honestly haven't been that hungry. If I'm hungry, normally by first break, then I will have a snack of either trail mix, granola bar, or even grapes I took one day. After lunch, I'm pretty good til I get off work. So this week's report is minus 2 pounds and finally down 1 inch from my bicep, .5 inch from my waist and 1.5 inches from my hips in FIVE MONTHS. It took THAT LONG!!! Isn't that crazy?! I don't know what I'm going to do if this job doesn't become permanent. I really can't see working out/walking around 8 hours a day when I have nothing specific to do!

I kind of miss all the time I had at home for computer stuff. I like moving things around at work and using my body though. I'm just going to engulf myself in work for now and when it comes to an end, we'll deal with whatever end we get!! I'm strangely happy. Tired, yes. I'm also feeling kind of euphoric. It's an odd kind of happy feeling, so it might not last once I get back into the workweek and feeling tired again. I'm going to finish getting ready and go visit my mom while I have the chance(and the time). Ally's being a butt right now anyway! Til next time...

So Much Work

2010-03-12T06:59:00.000-06:00

I'm now on my feet for about 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. A few weeks ago, I was only on my feet for around an hour or so for 3 days a week. Pretty big difference. And at the time, I was also on 1200-1300 calories and finding it difficult to get past my current weight range.

That part isn't too different though other than the calories. I KNOW I'm taking in more now than I was before. If I wasn't, I'd be pretty hungry and grumpy. I need to keep thinking about whether or not I truly need something that I want. Last night I wanted another piece of toast and I just had to top it with MORE spaghetti. Really only because I didn't want to take the time to figure out where I was going to put it to keep for left overs. If I hadn't had that little misstep, then maybe I wouldn't be at a standstill anymore! Who knows, but I realize now that I need to pay attention to my hunger and take those cues while not eating too big of an amount. I'm elated I haven't gained though. Relieved. It means I'm actually getting the hang of it a little bit. Anything can be improved upon.

I hope today goes by as fast as the last two days. It's been GREAT. The soreness seems to be easing a little. I've noticed that since I started taking my lunch inside, so I'm not getting all those extra steps. I think I'll pick back up on those later though!

My morning started out with someone saying, "You, come help me." Ha. You can't take things too seriously sometimes. We came across a supervisor, who told him I was needed elsewhere at the time and he said I could just help him until they came to get me. We finished what had to be done and I moved on anyway. I hate reading charts, but I liked setting up peg boards for merchandise. It's kind of crazy how these charts want stuff so crammed together when OBVIOUSLY it isn't likely to work out so well. Whoever does the charts doesn't ever see the merchandise, so it's easy for them to print this and instruct us to put it like that because they don't know exactly what's going there. I might get to figure that out today unless overnight took care of it. I hope not though because last time they took care of stocking, I had to REARRANGE a whole modular of computer games!!! Took me ALL DAY! The highlight of yesterday was when a man asked me if I knew where the Kilt Spray was. Two coworkers were walking ahead of me and I yelled the guy's name to ask. I was thinking about KILT as in the Scottish kilt. He actually said Kilz Spray, which was right up ahead of me. The guy thought it was funny enough!! I was happy to clock out on time yesterday. I get so involved in what I'm doing that I don't bother to check the time. I'd rather work it away, honestly. People don't understand why I hate taking a break lol. I don't like to unless I'm hungry and need a snack. Lunch is another story. I'm all for my hour lunch!! :)

It's almost time to head out. I have lots of stuff I need to get together and Ally needs some pants and socks/shoes! The daycare said Ally had a better day yesterday(no crying!!) and I sent her baby elephant with her so she'd have something familiar from home. Hoping it's a good sign! I hope everyone out there has a beautiful day and a most wonderful weekend! Be safe! Til next time...

Keeping Myself Busy

2010-03-10T06:49:00.000-06:00

One thing I dislike at work is when people constantly ask me what time it is. Uh, I'm sorry but it's only going to be about 10 minutes past my last answer to this question. I'm trying to keep busy so time will pass faster, but I can't do that when everyone(okay, 2 or 3 people MAX lol) wants me to check my phone for the time.

Yesterday was much better. It was spent on the sales floor, moving and stocking merchandise. I've found that I LOVE stocking items. Well, I love stocking anything other than printer ink. That stuff's a pain in the tush and you'd never be able to tell by looking at it! Another woman and I had enough time to stock a full buggy of it before it was time to leave. I left 5 minutes late too, so I might as well take 5 minutes extra at lunch today to keep from going over. I hear they don't like it when you get overtime. Of course.

I'm at a standstill with my weight...kind of. I'm fluctuating between 161 and 163. I'm really trying not to overeat, but I am eating A LITTLE if I feel hungry...like at first break usually. I had a big breakfast this morning of oatmeal and peanut butter toast, so I'm hoping that might hold me out until lunch. I packed some snack crackers and yogurt just in case though.

I'm still sore after every work day. I'm also extremely tired. I'm yawning around 7 and ready to fall asleep around 8 pm. I get home at 5:30, so you do the math. I don't have time for too much. I feel like Ally is getting the shaft as far as I'm concerned and it hurts that she is behaving worse than BEFORE she started daycare. I'm talking tantrum city, feet stomping, nonstop crying. It's insane. All in the evening though. She's sitting next to me right this second, eating oatmeal(oops, I'm supposed to let them give her breakfast) and watching Blues Clues as quiet as can be... What is it about the evening?! Gah, to be a fly on the wall.

I do want and need to get my workout groove back sometime. With my body and level of energy after working, I'm not seeing HOW yet. I'm not too worried about the weight fluctuation because I'm moving plenty at work, trying to drink lots of water(have to, already had a scare at work with that), and my clothes are still fitting pretty well. Anyone with any tips on working out while working a job? Please, enlighten me. I'm tired after work, so do I pass out at 7 pm and get up at 4 am for a workout? That sounds sickening... HELP!

Yesterday, SO GLAD It's Over!

2010-03-09T06:59:00.000-06:00

I started the work day thinking it was going to be just like Friday. I would be walking around and making sure everything was stocked properly, no items or debris on the floor that would cause a safety hazard. Well, it started out that way but boy did it end differently.

I was outside the store's back door to discard some boxes when someone told me I had a phone call about my daughter. Supervisor told me it was on line 4 and directed me to a phone. Well ****(use your favorite expletive here), I don't know what I'm doing on this thing or how to even GET line 4, so I hung it up and walked out into the store area and used my cell. Ally was ill/crying, complaining that her throat hurt and did not want to eat or drink anything. She was also bursting into tears when anyone would even touch her. Great. I told them that it would probably be my MIL if anyone HAD to come get her, so I gave them her phone number and then text her to let her know.

Lunch time comes(yay) and I find out from D that he is going to be working late. He didn't even know exactly what time he would be getting off work. The daycare has a 9.5 hour a day limit, any extra is overtime for them. Bah, 4:30 would be 9 hours and there was no way I was getting there by 5(when I get off!!). I text MIL to let her know about that and said I didn't know how strict they were on it. I went to McDonald's and got a McChicken meal for lunch(aka crappy patty, ugh) with a water that they charged me $1.29 for. Ridiculous. I get back to work and my stomach starts bothering me. Stupid McDonald's. I guess I can say it's definitely a trigger for my IBS symptoms. I probably went to the bathroom around 3 times for no reason other than to fart. Yay. I realize how that could be funny to some people, but in retrospect it was such a bad day that I'm just not amused.

Too many people are crowding around the same spot, so I'm told to get some paper towels and clean the shelves that were just built. Okay. A few other people are working on this as well, so before I start on a section I stop to ask them if they cleaned them. This is where I met the man-the man everyone is on their toes for. He looks at me and says, "Don't worry about what they look like. Clean them anyway. Start at one end and work your way down to the other." Way to boost a worker's morale.

I was so happy for break time, but I had to use part of it to call the daycare. I explained about D's work and that I didn't get off work until 5. They said they understood when it was a work situation and it couldn't be helped, so it was fine that she wouldn't get picked up until 5. I checked my phone, no message from MIL so I talked myself into being excited about picking Ally up. I was afraid she would be upset that I didn't have a drink for her and cry the whole way home or something, but then I started thinking about it. I would be the first person she would see after being there all day... That sounds nice, yeah. D said he would call me if he was able to pick her up.

I had to remove some boxes off the sale floor and used a pallet jack due to the amount. I could not drive the thing right to save my life. Three managers are standing in back as I try to make my way through, bumping all kinds of things until one tells me I'm not going to be able to make it through with that so I might as well go get a buggy for the boxes. Embarrassing. That took enough time that I had about 15 minutes of walking around to wipe off shelves and pick up trash before it was finally time to go. I was practically speed walking out of the store once I clocked out. I checked my phone real quick, no word from anyone. I quickly headed on my way. I get into the daycare and pull the sign in/out sheets over. Sign out time is 5:01. Wait, why is there a sign out time?! MIL's name was next to it. I look up at the woman behind the counter and she says, "Someone already came to get her, didn't they?" I told her I didn't know and she said they didn't realize that.

I got home, yelled at them, then cried in bed for a bit. I went to bed at 8 pm and woke at 5 am for a shower. I don't think I'd get up if I didn't have to take a shower!! Going to pick my daughter up from daycare who wasn't even there was really the nail in the coffin on a craptacular day. So happy it's over. I hope I can make today go differently. Speaking of which, it's nearly time to leave. I better go before I divulge anymore information or they might have to kill me. I'm kidding!! Please don't take that seriously! Til next time...

Recap: Workweek 1

2010-03-07T13:08:00.002-06:00

I ended workweek 1 with a bang Friday. A lot happened in one day, but I'm amazed at myself for everything I accomplished. If you had been in my shoes/my body, etc. over a year ago then you would be amazed too. I can't imagine the old me doing any of this!

It was also Ally's first week of daycare. Definitely a rough start, they said she was very shy the whole week and only starting warming up to them on Thursday. It's a good indicator that she is starting to get used to being there. I found out they do this tumble bus thing on Thursdays. We are going to let her try it next week, but I don't know if we can afford to do it every week. It's $10 a week, so that's kind of a downer. They said there are quite a few kids who don't participate in it and they just stay inside to play. Now I won't feel too bad if we can't afford to keep that up. I've been taking Ally potty every morning after she wakes. Friday, she starting screaming "Ow!" while she went. I ended up scrambling to find someone to take her to the doctor and MIL came up to do that. They ended up telling us she tested positive for Strep(what?! I had no idea. Thought she just had a little cold!) and that the oral antibiotics would knock out both infections if she did in fact have a UTI. She wouldn't pee in a cup for them! She has been going a lot today and she doesn't seem like she is too much pain anymore. Hopefully that's a good sign. It's been fun(*sarcasm*) trying to get the meds in her. In February of last year, I had two bouts of the stomach bug before Ally started puking at night. This quack pediatrician listened to her tummy, then diagnosed her with acid reflux and prescribed a liquid acid reducer which must have tasted pretty nasty with how she refused it. I stopped the meds because I didn't feel like acid reflux would have shown up out of no where after turning a year old and she's been alright. Except since then, she has had this huge aversion to taking medicine. She used to LOVE taking her Tylenol and now it's hard to even get her to take THAT. We've been mixing this antibiotic into things for her to drink/eat. So far, our best bet is chocolate pudding. Fantastic. Here's hoping 10 days straight of pudding doesn't give her a huge cavity. Gotta get her toothbrush boiled now or else she'll just get strep again!

I learned a lot in the last week. I could show you just how hard I've been working with all the bruises on my arm/legs. I'm hoping they can see how hard I'm trying. I've heard from MIL that I'm making a good impression(the personnel manager boasted to her that her daughter-in-law was so sweet and polite lol), so that makes me feel better. I kept focused on my work and listened when instructed, learning something new every day. Everyone has been friendly toward me and I feel mostly comfortable around everyone as long as I'm busy doing something. I hate standing around, so I'm always moving and doing things until I find someone who can give me a specific job. I like being productive and it's completely different from how I was at home. Use it or lose it-well, I was losing it at home by sitting around on the couch while Ally watched TV and played. No wonder I was sleepy all the time! I just wasn't MOVING ENOUGH!

I wake at 5 am on the weekdays to be ready to leave with Ally by 7-7:10 am. Normal drop off time for Ally was about 7:30 and I would get to work by 7:45. Since I don't get off work until 5, D picks her up when he gets off work. We luckily haven't come across a problem with that yet. He did have one day where he worked until 5, but we haven't had to deal with that since I started working. It might come along one day and she would need to be picked up by 5 pm to avoid any overtime fees. I have to clock in at 8 am and D leaves for work BEFORE 6:30 am(when they open), so that's really the only time frame we have! I didn't have too much trouble getting up in the mornings. Getting to sleep hasn't been an issue either! I was going to sleep around 9 or 10 pm, so I was getting 7-8 hours of sleep. Friday night hit and I went to bed around 8!! I didn't get up until around 7, so I got 11 hours of sleep. What the crap?! Last night I got to sleep around 9-right after putting Ally down-then we got up a little after 8 am. Again, 11 hours of sleep. It seems odd to me, but it could be normal. I'm not sure. It could just be an adjustment period for me. If I'm not too sore, I'm going to aim to workout some this week. If I'm still tired, I'm not going to force it.

I know my body has been aching from the increased activity and my muscles need time to heal themselves. I'm trying to make sure I get my water. I had one day where a coworker noticed something was off with me and asked if I was okay. I told her I had gotten dizzy and felt flushed. She agreed and I took a quick water break. It was after that when I started bringing my water bottle inside the building with me. Tremendous help!! I drink water during my breaks and during lunch. I hate all the trips to the bathroom, but it's either that or end up passing out. I think we'd all prefer the bathroom trips. ;) Now some pics because I love my girl and the beautiful work she got to do at daycare. Until next time... Weigh in today was 163, +1 lb(I expected more!).

Showing off her "school folder"-thrift store find(she likes bears!)

Ally's school work

Haha, that chalky looking thing is actually a leprechaun hat but I kept thinking about mushrooms so I photographed it upside-down!!

Tired much?

2010-03-04T07:07:00.000-06:00

I don't have a lot of time, but I'm going to try to get this typed out. Yesterday was the longest day in the work week so far. There were a lot of people trying to work on one job, so it was chaos in a small area. I ended up getting away from that area to work with another much smaller group of people. I kept feeling like I was in the way where all the other people were and I didn't like just standing around kind of supervising things. I was there to work, not supervise... That's exactly why I walked away from that group and found work elsewhere.

I should get about an 8 hour check today. Woo lol. Currently, I'm trying to complete the paperwork necessary for ICS(child care assistance) and DHS(for our SNAP case-just to get it updated and see if we still qualify for anything). D picked up the paper from DHS yesterday, so I'll just have to get the personnel woman to sign it and fax it. While I'm doing that, I need to have her write something up for ICS on company letterhead. Hopefully I can get all this done today and I won't have to worry about anymore paperwork for a while. That would be a welcomed relief!!

Yesterday went by too slowly for me, but it was because there was a large group of people working on one area. I had to get away from it and find something to do or else it would have gone by even slower. I hate that!! I got a couple of cuts while putting base boards down. They're barely noticeable now! I got home and got some dinner. Around 7, I started falling asleep on the couch. I went to bed at 7:30 and didn't wake up until about 5:30. So ten hours of sleep. Gah. I must have been catching up for the other two days of 7-8 hours of sleep lol. Ally is ready to go except for her coat and I'm good to go except for the paperwork(don't need to forget that!).

I've had a gain on the scale and I'm not surprised. I feel good though and my pants are still fitting, so I'm not fretting it. I've been sore every night since I started working, so I'm sure my muscles are doing some serious healing and adapting to the extra time on my feet. I'm also having IBS issues since I am only taking a pill in the morning and at night. No more bloody stools, thank goodness-the issue I mentioned in the last blog post. That scared me. I guess it was probably just my nerves from starting something new. I am going to pay for next week's day care tomorrow and ask for receipts to send to DHS and ICS(I guess they would need them, I don't know!). Well, it is time for me and Ally to hit the road. Let's hope today is a busy moving around day for me at work. Amazing how I'd rather work than take a break, but it's the law! :P Until next time, my friends!!

First Day Successes and Failures

2010-03-02T06:43:00.001-06:00

Yesterday was a first for both Ally and myself- my first day of work and Ally's first day of day care. It was pretty much a completely new realm of reality for us. Sure, Ally has been away from me for an extended period of time in her 2 years of life. At a new place with new people though? Not so much. I was a bit concerned.

My first day went well enough. I managed the work without too many problems. I did have a product fall and hit me in the face. Thankfully, it was something small. Being somewhat average height was not helping with things attached at a higher level. I stood on my tiptoes and if I could get it, then I did. If not, I left it there for someone else!! There were plenty of tall people in the group to take care of that. It flew by pretty fast as long as I kept busy, which I've found is what I like(at least at work anyway).

No news might as well have been good news. I called D when I got off work to see how the pick up process went. He said there was a misunderstanding about their portion of potty training. They don't do it if they are in diapers. Well, we aren't going to waste two big sleeves of diapers to start potty training right now when she probably wouldn't go for it in a new place anyway. She peed and pooped in the potty last night, so I'm hoping once she gets used to the place then she will feel confident enough to go with them or at least let them know that she has to go a few times(so they can tell me). Maybe THEN we could start letting them try the potty training. They want underwear and extra clothes, so that takes some prep time on my part. Laundry is in the washer as we...SPEAK. Figuratively. They said Ally cried through nap time(12-2 pm!!). Figures, it will take some time to get used to it.

If I said I wasn't hurting after work, I'd be lying to y'all. I was definitely in some pain, but I took some tylenol and drank the rest of my daily water. I feel good this morning! Got a bruise on my forearm, but the scratches have all disappeared. I can walk straight LOL. So physically, I'm doing well. As far as the anxiety, it's proving to be stubborn. First morning jitters are already hitting me again, yet after getting the day started yesterday I was fine. I chatted with a few of my coworkers, worked together, and such. I'm still taking my meds(generic prozac currently) and while it's not perfect, I consider it better than nothing. It might just take some conditioning on my part to get used to the extra activity. I'm definitely sleeping better than I ever have...

I weighed in at 162.2 this week. I'm thankful I broke even after the "food fight" that occurred last week. I think I'm doing well so far this week. I cooked two dinners last night and washed dishes all at the same time. Super mom!!!! :D Nah, it was chicken breasts in the oven(woo, spicy with Mrs. Dash and creole seasoning) and hamburger helper on the stove. D took some of the hamburger helper for lunch and I might have the rest for dinner tonight. I haven't exercised this week, but I'm calling a mulligan this week due to the increased activity at work. Next week is back to routine because I should be used to it by then since I'm doing well so far. Okay, I gotta get this kid ready and finish getting everything together. Have a great day!

Oops!

2010-03-01T05:58:00.000-06:00

I missed yesterday's workout! Well, at least I can honestly tell you that I didn't sit at home and let the hours slowly pass by without getting up to workout. Nah, I wouldn't do that. I did that AWAY from home!

Saturday turned out to be a busy day for me. I decided to go to my baby cousin's birthday party. Her first birthday-she's so cute!! I had a good time visiting with everyone and watching all the kids play. I enjoyed a lot of food too. Then only less than an hour upon leaving, we were expected at a Sandwich Thins party hosted by my sister and a friend. We got there, talked and such, followed by more food. We probably left around 9-10. I was pooped and Sunday lunch was canceled due to sickness yet again(poor Timothy), so we crashed at Heather's.

Sunday was filled with me and Heather trying to make ring tones with no luck, so we went over to our parents house for a bit where David and her hubby met up with us after he fixed my car(THANKS!!). Now I'm up this morning and positive that my car will crank when I go to leave to drop Ally off at day care and head into work. Eeeek! Something is going on with my IBS and it ain't good...at all. I'm going to keep a check on it and I may have to see a doctor if things keep up. Need to finish getting ready now, so I will likely update tomorrow! Until then...

Hello, Insatiable Appetite. We meet again.

2010-02-26T12:40:00.000-06:00

This week has been pretty exciting for me in the realm of trying new things. In all the excitement, I've lost track of how I got here in the first place-eating well and exercising for an hour 3 days a week. I've exercised twice this week, but I doubt you could call it a "workout". One day I did 36 minutes of Wii Fit Plus and yesterday I took a quick 10 minute walk around the store while I was at work. Are there any full-time working people out there who can tell me the best way to do this?

Getting up at 5 am has me worn out and ready to fall asleep by 9 pm. I did not have to get up this morning for any work-related reason, so I ended up dozing off/on in bed until about 8 am. Ally was probably up by 6:30 or 7(which is good for the work week) and just talked to me/whatnot until she decided she was hungry. That's when it's time to get up!! I think I slept about 10 hours? That's how long I can sleep. How do I figure out how long I truly need to sleep?? Wanting to fall asleep so early doesn't really leave time for any intimacy as far as I'm concerned. D can stay up til 11 and still get up at 5 am without issue. Once I'm ready for sleep, there's not too much point in debating it with me. I'm done. I'm out. Are we just going to have to be weekend lovers? LOL

Orientation was Wednesday and immediately afterward, I wanted to EAT. Yeah, I skimped on breakfast because it was my first run of things and my time management skills obviously need some improvement. I thought getting a good lunch would help, yet after lunch I found myself having ANOTHER snack. Same went for yesterday after I got done with the computer based learning at work. I made it a point that morning to have a GOOD breakfast though. I had a bagel and two packs of oatmeal. Definitely a more substantial breakfast than simply a bagel with strawberry cream cheese spread. So what is this sudden urge to snack then? I've been resisting it this morning. I did grab a handful of trail mix when I gave Ally some of it for a potty treat(m&ms after she identified their color lol-green/red this time). I think she loves blue because she initially wants to call every color blue, but I stop her and tell her to look at it, then she answers me correctly most times. So all in all, I had a bagel with a fried egg this morning, then that snack, and I just had another egg(it's lunch time, so I'll be getting more later). I'm going to take advantage of Ally's nap time today and do some working out. I might have to try to do 30 minutes a day M-F, but that's how I got burnt out last time I tried daily workouts. Maybe try working out Sunday morning, then getting up at 4:30 Tuesday and Thursday. That sounds like it might be doable... Hey, all I can do is try.

Next week will be a new week for me. Until then, I'm going to try to fix this week while I'm still in the moment! I've been there. I know exercising feels good. Now it's time to get off my little rear and get to feelin' good! :P I'll be better to the world and my family simply by doing something that makes me feel good. Hop to! Chop! Chop! And away I go!! Until next time!

Purpose

2010-02-24T14:45:00.001-06:00

Do you feel like you have a purpose in your life? Are you a working mom and easily wake up at 4 or 5 am to get ready for work? Or maybe you're a SAHM who gladly wakes up at 8 am or whenever your kid(s) arise without issue? Do you work part-time and get the best of both worlds-a little extra money and still hold onto adequate family time?

I don't believe I've ever fallen into ANY of those. Have I wanted to? Sure!! I've wished that I could get up at a reasonable time every day without struggle. That just hasn't been the case. Being a SAHM or even when I was simply a housewife, it has always been a struggle to get myself out of bed in the mornings. I've also had flip-flopping issues with falling asleep at night. Not having a specific reason to get dressed and leave the house just doesn't give me enough motivation to get up, I guess!! I love Ally and love being with her. Maybe I'm desiring more out of life than the day in and day out of taking care of a single 2 year old. Maybe I'm truly meant for something else after figuring out what was making me so unhappy for all those years. I've changed and I'm trying to make change happen now by trying something I was previously too afraid to attempt. Seventy pounds ago, I wouldn't have thought twice about applying for a job. It'd be a huge NO. So many things are different and I want to know that I can do it and whatever I ultimately choose to do is up to be. If it is to be, it is up to me~William Johnson. It may not make much sense to some, but that's the reality of it! It's my reality for whatever reason. Never ask why because you'll never stop. It's time for ACTION!

I expected to receive a call about orientation Monday, so in preparation of that I woke up early Sunday morning. I planned to go to sleep early, but as I informed you all in my last post... Things didn't go my way. Talk about complete opposite, so I probably slept soundly from around 5-8 am.

I woke up early yesterday too in case I got notice that orientation was that day. Turns out it wasn't. Should have trusted my instinct and slept in one last day!! I got the call around 2 pm that orientation would be the next day at 7:30 am. I was primed for bed last night. Actually made it through a movie then fell asleep right after. I didn't even wake through out the night! My alarm went off and I was up. I managed a 36 minute workout(gotta get into a routine of working that in), took a shower, got my breakfast ready, and lastly got Ally ready to go. I thought I was going to have to leave her with MIL from the parking lot, but she was off work in time to make it over. Unfortunately, she has ended up with the stomach bug or whatever it is that was ailing D and Ally Sunday/Monday. She's resting on the other end of the couch. D said he still doesn't feel 100% and even had fever again last night!! Sadly, I have no other options as far as Ally is concerned and we're just praying that since she recently had this bug then maybe she won't have to go through another round. Ugh, the timing of some things! :(

I'm fighting this really icky feeling in my stomach while I'm at home. While I was out, it got better after the paperwork. My hand still shaking while I signed the papers! I felt okay after that. I think I'm paranoid about the germs here in the house. I'm afraid of getting sick! I'm just going to have to keep eating as healthy as I can and hope for the best. I had a blueberry bagel with strawberry cream cheese for breakfast, some trail mix for a snack(almonds, cashews, peanuts, m&ms and raisins), a big salad for lunch, and... I don't know yet for dinner! :P

Now it's time to get moving some how in order to stay awake. One problem with getting up early and not having a full day... Gotta fight the urge to crash on the couch before it's bedtime! I'll do some computer based lessons when I go in tomorrow(any where from 7-8 am she said) and I'm home free after that until Monday, which will be my first full work day! Whew! I'm so tired, but this job is my purpose right now. Even if it doesn't continue after the work is done, maybe it will help me look at things differently and if I choose to be a SAHM then I might be able to see child-rearing as my true purpose in order to change my sleeping habits to reflect that. Wow!! Look at me, handling all this change! /grins from ear to ear :) Yes, I'm excited and this is my spot to look dorky with enthusiasm! Until next time...

Last night? Not what I was expecting...

2010-02-22T16:54:00.000-06:00

I was expecting a call today, so I wanted to make it a point to get to bed early last night. I thought I could set my alarm for 5 am, workout, grab a shower and a bite to eat, then get Ally up and ready to go. It was going to be a test run for the possible work week to come(if the hours are indeed day shift 8 am-5 pm). Figures as soon as you PLAN to do something, Life comes swooping in and messes things up.

The day went typically enough. We had to go to the store for lunches for work. I stuck to foods that I could eat cold. I don't know if there is one or how easily accessible a microwave is. I know they have one, but I'd rather learn the surroundings first, then start using what's available. D complained about having to go to work the next day after working the previous day, thus only having one day off. Around the time we got home, it began thundering and raining outside. Ally is afraid of thunderstorms! I just hoped it would move out before her bedtime, but no luck. She was screaming like Freddy Kruger was after her. It was bad. She screamed off and on until about 10:30-11 after I tried comforting her for a bit. I finally fell asleep around 11:30 to only be awoken at 11:45 by the sound of Ally puking in her bed. Got her cleaned up, removed bed sheets, replaced bed sheets, etc. and went back to bed ourselves. Not even 15 minutes later, she was at it again. Into bed with us, she came. Within the next hour, D was up and in the bathroom. It hit him HARD, both ways. I lost track of how often Ally was throwing up, but if this gives you any idea... We were awake until around 5 am. I was woken up by a phone call(not the one I needed, dang it!) shortly past 8 am. I'm going on very few hours of sleep right now. These two eyelids of mine are getting heavy.

I never did receive that call I was expecting. Maybe a blessing in disguise since I had more day cares to check out today and could use more time before deciding on one. I also still don't know which shift I'll be working. MIL noticed a crew there last night that said their hours were 8 pm to 5 am, so now we're wondering. The personnel woman was out unexpectedly today, so I'm waiting for that call again tomorrow.

Ugh, it was not fun holding my kid's head over the trash can while she puked or convulsed trying to puke up the nothing that was in her stomach. I also did not enjoy listening to D get sick like that either. Gah, it sounded like he was puking up a liver or kidney... Huck, splash. Ew. I felt nauseous all night and even part of today. Hopefully, orientation will be something like Wednesday and everyone will be all better by then. I'm thanking my lucky stars that I haven't been hit with it yet. I keep hoping I'll get by unscathed lest the working me may never begin!! One thing I am NOT up for is public humiliation via the stomach virus. No, thank you! So it has been a day of pedialyte, crackers, bananas, and soup in our house. Visited 4 day cares today. I'm wondering if I should stay away from the one that had the sign "All kids have been exposed to the stomach virus." We were there for like an hour Friday! AN HOUR! I know, it's expected with daycare kids but come on! Imagine if she had been there ALL DAY. Would she have had it worse? I don't know with how D wasn't there at all and got hit bad. It's a really nice place, but... Ugh, decisions! I'll know more of what I need to do after I have orientation. Until then, everything is still in the air. Always great. Until next time, get well and stay healthy vibes/thoughts are welcome...

Super Mom?

2010-02-20T13:47:00.000-06:00

A wind of change has blown me into a new direction. I'm making the change happen, yes. I'm not expecting to create any rosy consequences though. Those I simply cannot control. Losing control equals anxiety.

Rightfully so, D comes home tired after every work day. I guess you could say he's been somewhat spoiled by me in the fact that I was a housewife for two years and then a stay at home mom for two years. All of a sudden, I've made it happen and decided to try on a new identity in 2010: working mom. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared breathless.

If you know anything about my husband or at least learned something about him in the previous paragraph, then you know what he's used to. Doing housework isn't really on that list. That worries me. It makes me wonder if me working is going to turn into me needing to become "Super Mom." You know, the mom that goes to work all day then comes home to magically clean the house, cook dinner, and spend quality time with the kiddo and husband. My stomach turns. I don't know if I can be that mom!!

Going on a crash course of nutrition and exercise in the past year or so has taught me a few things. I am an important person. I should treat myself as such. I should take care of myself so that I feel good in order for that to seep into other aspects of my life-family and now work. Working all day isn't going to leave much time for tracking food much less exercise(3x a week though, so I might try to track that at least). I'm going to have to use what I've learned to get through this transition. I only hope I'll be able to easily provide myself with healthy snacks and lunches, continuing on my quest to always have a hearty breakfast, and keeping a lid on overeating due to stress by using positive self talk and phrases. I can do anything I set my mind to. I'll listen well and do my best. I will ask for help when I need it. I deserve it. I deserve this chance to see if even CAN be a working mom while handling my anxiety, IBS, tendinitis, and patella femoral syndrome. I'm going to have to be extra kind to my knees and might have to focus on core and arm workouts until my knees adjust to the new work routine!

I'm so nervous, but I'm ready to give it a try. This is something I never would have done as the old me. The new and improved me is all about trying new things. Yay!! Alright, world. Here goes nothing! Maybe there is some comfort in the fact that it is a temporary position, but it could turn into permanent if they/I both want after the work is done. I'll cross that bridge when I get there(trying not worry about things that I can't change) and until then, take notes. That's why I have this. It's my note taker on which I record my most inner thoughts and feelings. I plan on keeping this updated as well as I can manage in order to know in the end how this works out for us financially and emotionally and whatnot. Looking back in my mind, I may not remember clearly but I hope to be able to look back on my words here to show me the right direction for me/us as a person/family. Until next time...

Five

2010-02-18T22:17:00.000-06:00

That title is the number of years D and I have been married. It's been a tough and trying five years for us. We've been through a lot together and have changed, grown, and continued to love each other through the worst of times.

When D met me, I was in a word...damaged. I had no idea how to process the events of my previous relationship. It paved the way for some tough times ahead. I had to learn who I was and who he was, finally seeing one day that he truly loves me and is in it for the long haul. I admit that as a young teenager I had my doubts about us. I didn't feel worthy of him(or anyone really). Of course, that has changed. How many years did it take for me to learn that I AM worth it?? Eh, who's keeping track?

Tonight, we decided to go out to eat while we had some time(thanks to MIL!). It was either Logan's Roadhouse or Bonanza Steakhouse. After we got set up for a 30 minute wait at Logan's, he realized something. We came there for our anniversary LAST YEAR. I didn't remember until he mentioned it. We had a booth toward the back where we could see the outlet behind the restaurant. Knowing me, I probably ate a similar meal lol! Knowing the OLD me, I'm sure I ate the WHOLE MEAL including the awful sides I probably picked. This time, I chose a salad and a sweet potato for my side items. Delicious! We got a 2 for 1 strawberry daiquiri. I was surprised that he finished his! Didn't touch his tea much, but it was half the cost of the daiquiri!!! I also tasted a little of some nachos, but most of them are in the to go box in the fridge! I love left over nachos. I don't care. :P I also have half of my bbq chicken breast in there as well. We shared a cinnamon roll sundae for dessert. Everything was good and we enjoyed each other's company. He was tired(a lot of extra work this week), so I drove home.

Ally will be coming home tomorrow, but before she does I have tasks I need to finish. It's our anniversary night, so I'm not being too hard on myself for not getting things COMPLETELY done. I did get some dishes washed(some, not all) and I will most definitely be working out tomorrow. I should probably stick to more arms than legs since my knees are bothering me lately. Maybe I will hear from Wal-Mart tomorrow about the temp job I interviewed for yesterday. My drug test and background check should be clear, so unless they've changed their minds about me... I should be getting a call soon. A year or so ago, I would not have even applied. I would have told D to go in and check on the wait time for himself. Instead of wondering or worrying over how the people would see me, I told myself I could do it and put the doubts aside. I did it. I can. You can do it, too. Whatever it is, you can! Until next time... Keep on truckin'!

Fumbling into New Territory

2010-02-16T17:45:00.000-06:00

I'm not really fumbling into the territory yet. Probably more like skimming the outer boundary of that territory and mine. I made a decision and now I'm facing the consequences. It will either help us or hurt us. I'm hoping for good things.

I woke up feeling better than I did yesterday. Step in the right direction already. I made it a point to have breakfast, a pack of maple and brown sugar oatmeal with a toasted cinnamon raisin bagel. Yum. For lunch, I decided on our left over wheat spaghetti with two slices of cheesy garlic toast. I'm feeling like a light dinner now.

MIL called this morning to let me know her supervisor was mentioning again the fact that they didn't have enough people for the remodel of their store. It's a 10 week gig, but she thought maybe they would like me and want to hire me on permanently after that. I had already filled out an app, but it had expired earlier this month. I went online and put another one in. Thankfully, I didn't have to go through the extremely long questionnaire again. After what seriously felt like a few minutes(maybe 5?), my phone rings. They want me to come for an interview tomorrow at 4 pm. Whoa!! I doubt they had time to check my references, so I figure they'll interview potentials then check refs on those that they like. I'm doing my best to not think too much into it until the request the drug test. At that point, I'll know I need to figure things out as far as Ally is concerned. Maybe things will be easier than I think or I will totally bomb it as a nervous wreck. I'm just going to attempt to do my best. It's all I've got!

After that rush of excitement and nerves, I needed a distraction. My energy was lacking yesterday, so I was only able to workout for 34 minutes. I picked up the slack today and worked out for a total of 87 minutes! I think I will shower tonight and take a rest day tomorrow. Boy, my legs were feeling kind of twitchy after walking in place on the balance board for 29 minutes! I'm tired and definitely ready for dinner now. I'm excited and afraid all at the same time about the interview. I tend to draw blanks when I'm nervous, so I'm hoping I can pull myself together and get through it by being the best and most honest person I can.

Gahhhhh, I need to figure out what I'm wearing and balance the checkbook. Maybe I can do that and juggle some of Ally's toys all while I'm cooking dinner. LOL I'm so happy I had the energy to workout today. The Wii Fit Plus helped take the work out of the workout some so I might feel more prone to do an actual all the way workout for my arms on Thursday. Maybe half and half if I rest tomorrow. Lord, help me! I can do this!!! I'm going go in and do my best. I'm off to focus on dinner now that I've totally wigged myself out over this interview. :P Until next time... *Good thoughts!*

Just Another Day

2010-02-14T13:32:00.000-06:00

Today is Valentine's Day. It's really just another day for us. Our anniversary is during the same week, so we double up and say we celebrate BOTH when we celebrate our anniversary!

Last week was hectic for me. A lot of going out and doing things. I ate out way too often. I exercised 5 days last week for 30 minutes each day. So it was less exercise than what I WAS doing. Now I've decided to workout 3 days a week for no less than an hour each day. First off will be the Biggest Loser program then whatever other exercise I want to do for 30 minutes. I felt more anxious and jittery last week than I have in a long while. It was a busy week. I am going to have to keep the day before weight in as a rest day so my body can regulate itself to get an accurate weight. I was 162 during the week and some how hopped up to 167 this morning. I saw this happen last week and then the weight just fell off a few days later. It's kind of odd, but I keep remembering a SparkPeople Daily Spark Guest Blogger entry that said most people don't stick with a program because they see a gain with it at first, but it's usually due to muscles retaining fluid in order to heal themselves. It makes sense and that's the reason why I'm just going to continue with the Biggest Loser program and see where it takes me. If the 4 week program consists of working out every other day for 30 minutes a day, then I wonder how much more or less I'd be working out on the 8 or 12 week program. It does have other routines that you can add to your program exercise, so it's not like it's limiting you to only working out for 30 minutes. I might check into doing a full body routine one day this week, then go for an upper and lower body routine on the other days as long as I get my hour on each day.

Today has been an off day for eating. Just had no appetite at all this morning and have only had a banana so far and it's inching past lunchtime already. I have spaghetti and cheesy garlic bread waiting for me in the kitchen. I am finally hungry, so I better take advantage of it(not full advantage though-don't want to eat too much then feel sick). This week's goals: 1)Keep it simple. 2)No workout on Saturday since weigh-in is Sunday. 3)Continue with Biggest Loser program, but add more exercise on workout days to reach 1 hour of exercise for each day. 4)Keep trying to get Ally to the potty a few times a day and reward with candy as deserved.

Happy Valentine's Day to those who celebrate it! For those who don't, I still hope you have a lovely day! Take care of yourselves because sometimes you must put yourself first in order to help take care of anyone else!! Until next time...

No News

2010-02-11T10:41:00.000-06:00

Not much to report today. I started Biggest Loser for Wii on Monday. Not a big calorie burner according to it but felt like a good workout nonetheless. Since it didn't seem to be burning a lot of calories, I opted to workout for 30 minutes on the elliptical the other night while dinner was in the oven. Last night was BL workout day again. I thought it was weigh-in and elimination day, but that's not until the weekend. I am on a 4 week program that has me working out every other day. Monday, it was a bit of cardio and some strength(around 110 calories. Yesterday, it was a 27 minute Yoga routine. I might have to workout to something else tonight to make up for the calories I'm not burning. I don't know! I haven't come across anyone who has done just this program to compare to.

I've still had a loss as compared to this week's weigh in. Not sure it's much considering the amount I had gained. I seem to be gaining/losing the same 3 lbs every week. It's like someone on SparkPeople said and I'm paraphrasing here, "It doesn't matter if you achieve your goals as long as you keep putting forth the effort." That is my main thing right now. I'm just trying to keep exercise as a part of my life. I've become more proud of myself for making exercise a priority. I worked out last night with Ally still awake and D on the couch! So even though it wasn't my usual time to workout, I knew it was the day to do it and I got it done under different circumstances.

I've had some issues with my anxiety lately. Now that I'm spending more time at home and not out/about, it seems to be calming a bit. I had a lot of errands to run this week and I guess being out so much got me wound up and took a toll on me. My hands were so shaky yesterday and the day before while I was out. Isn't it ridiculous when a side effect of a medication could be exactly what you're taking it for?! Annoying, but hopefully I was only doing too much and can keep things simple for a while.

It's time to get ready to head to my mom's. I'm going to help her take some tables down. I hope I won't be too late getting home. I've been getting way too much sleep lately after putting up our thermal back curtains, so I need to work on changing that. Until next time... Keep warm!

From A Tiny Spark

2010-02-09T20:36:00.000-06:00

One of my favorite quotes from SparkPeople is "From a tiny spark may burst a mighty flame". I'm watching Biggest Loser while I type this and a small flame was used to light an even bigger flame. It reminded me of that quote.

Even though I worked out 50 minutes yesterday, I still wanted to do something today. I lazied around during Ally's nap time. Had to go meet a woman who was going to buy a DS game from me and decided that when I got home I'd put dinner in the oven then go workout on the elliptical. That's exactly what I did for 30-35 minutes. Sweating felt good! D kept Ally mostly distracted while I was back there in the cat room. :P Might as well call it that since we rarely go in there much ourselves other than to tend to Dixie's needs.

I used Biggest Loser for Wii yesterday and tomorrow is workout day for it. It FEELS like a good workout, but it's only saying I'm burning just over 100 calories for 45-50 minutes and that just doesn't seem right. I'm going to try it again and work on my movements. I wondered if some of my movements not being measured might affect how it calculates my calories.

Plans for tomorrow- do the Biggest Loser program(I chose a 4 week one to start small). I don't know how long the workout will be until I actually get into the warm up, workout, then cool down. I also haven't seen where it shows your calorie burn for the day. It says it while I'm in the middle of it but that's not very helpful for tracking purposes! After that, I want to do 2-3 strength exercises if I can come up with anything that wasn't included in the Biggest Loser workout. Until next time...

Food today...
Breakfast - 2 fried eggs(70x2), Nature's Own Whitewheat(50x2), Smucker's Sugar Free Apricot Preserve(10x2) a slice of American cheese(70)... 330 calories

Lunch - Little Caesar's Supreme Pizza(230x2)... 460 calories

Dinner - Homestyle Bakes Country Chicken, Mashed Potatoes, and Biscuits(380), Rice with Broccoli in Cheese sauce(75), and Great Value Whole Kernel Corn(80)... 535 calories

Total calories today = 1325

Excuses or Possible Explanation?

2010-02-07T11:54:00.000-06:00

I will be the first to admit here that last week was tough for me. I was trying to deal with certain emotions and I was feeling kind of crummy as if my body was trying to fight an infection. I can feel the drainage in my throat this morning... I ended up only working out for 2 hours last week, which is two days for me. Yesterday was going to be my third and last workout day, but before I knew it too much time had passed for me to get a workout in.

We got up, showered, ate breakfast then headed out. The cabinets and fridge were looking bare, so we decided to get out and go grocery shopping. We had to make a first stop by Best Buy because I accidentally spilled water on my Sony Cybershot camera and now it's acting all funny-turning itself on/off and not going off when I'd push the power button. I really hope they can fix it, but I will be without a camera for 4-6/8 weeks. It's going to make me crazy lol. They weren't sure if water damage was covered, but they seemed ready to ship it to the repairer anyway. I'm hoping something will work out so I will have a decent working camera and not have their terms/conditions screw me over by not covering water damage.

Sam's and Wal-Mart were BOTH madhouses. It was the day before Superbowl Sunday after all! Thanks to D losing his job and then taking a huge pay cut at this new one, we qualified for a huge food stamp balance. So the silver lining is the fact that were able to stock up on healthy fruits and still have some left over for other food. Part of me feels guilty for not working and trying to help with the bills, but I don't think it would help Ally or us in the long run. So yeah, not only is this blog meant to keep me accountable for my actions but also serves as a source of minimal income that could at least pay a few small bills every couple of months. I enjoy writing though. Did you know that when I was in high school, I wanted to be an author when I "grew up"? I'm getting off topic! I had some birthday money to spend, so I picked up The Biggest Loser for Wii. I'm going to start one of the programs on it tomorrow. I'm sure I'll post some future info on my opinion of it. I stayed away from Jillian's Fitness Ultimatum 2010 because it didn't count your calories burned and that's something I really need in order to keep track of my exercise on SparkPeople. I'm also looking into EA Sports Active More Workouts since Your Shape and Just Dance belong to my sister Heather, so I won't have those forever. That's what I'm thinking for variety!

I weighed in at 165 this morning. Now I'm hopping between 161-165. Last week, I was 161.6 and feeling good. My pants are still fitting better than they were a MONTH ago, so I'm happy about that! There's another interesting factor in here as well. Week before last I gained 2.6 lbs, following week(last week) lost 4 lbs, and this week I have a gain of 3.4 lbs. The only common denominator in the weeks that I've gained so far is the pain in my butt!! Seriously, both times I have gained I've been dealing with tailbone pain radiating down into the backs of my thighs. A possibly hypothesis here is that my muscles are retaining water in order to heal, so I'm showing these ups and downs on the scale in accordance to how my muscles are feeling. Just me making excuses or is it a possible explanation? Could go either way really with the week I had with emotions, fatigue, and being too busy to workout yesterday. By the time we got home and got groceries put away, it was time to wrap my nephew JJ's birthday gifts then quickly head out the door. I had a good time anyway and probably ate too much pizza since I barely ate all day. My appetite is starting to lack again in the morning/lunch. Anytime I skimp on breakfast/lunch, it ends up with a huge dinner meal which is something I'm aiming to avoid!! A hearty breakfast sets up your metabolism for the day and I've proven to myself that a hearty breakfast keeps me from overeating in the evening!

So this week's goal is to start a program on Biggest Loser for Wii and workout with Gold's Gym Cardio Workout at least ONCE to workout my arms or do two days of strength training focusing on arms. My weight loss seems to accelerate when I include strength training because of course, building muscle increases your metabolism. Makes sense! I look forward to letting you all know how the Biggest Loser game is! Until next time!

Roller Coaster of Life

2010-02-04T21:53:00.000-06:00

This week has been a roller coaster for me. I've been freezing cold fully clothed with a sheet over me while D sits around in his boxers. I definitely wonder if something is going on inside my body and I just don't know it.

The other day, I did get offline and workout on the elliptical for an hour. Reading material or music is ESSENTIAL. I thought I was going to have to stop due to pure boredom! I didn't feel like it made me sweat enough either and I didn't want to go too fast because it shakes so badly that I wonder if some nuts/bolts need tightening! I did a FULL HOUR though thanks to my happening upon D's old journal he had to write during college in 2003. He talked about me and how much my moods would change-want to be with him one minute and not want a serious relationship the next. Boy, have I come a long way!!! :P I didn't feel like it worked me hard enough. I remember before, I'd get done and be all sweaty. Not so much this time, but I did have slight noodle legs afterward!

I also worked out today. My schedule is set for Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday but I do it whenever I want to. Better to change it up so your body doesn't get used to the same routine! Today, I did the Level 1 workout on Biggest Loser Cardio Max workout DVD and then 30 minutes on Your Shape. I estimated around 200 calories per each. The Your Shape told me I burned around 250 calories in a 30 minute session. I was pretty worn out from the workout DVD too, especially because of the free weight use. I admit that I did have to set the weights down a few times because I wanted to fall flat on the floor and hit the off button lol! It was a really good workout! Not good for my knees though, so I have to be careful with the lunges and particular knee-bending poses. It definitely got me sweating and that makes me feel like I'm doing something good!

We got a lot taken care of today. We went to the doctor's office to pay my bill and unfortunately had an extra $12.27 that our insurance didn't cover so that ended up being $54.27 there. They had actually already called in the cheaper IBS meds for me...a MONTH AGO... No one returned my call to let me know that. They also renewed my generic Prozac prescription since I seem to be doing okay on it. They called in an acid reflux med for D. My car desperately needed an oil change, so off to Wal-Mart for that since we had a few things along with our meds that we were needing to pick up. We ended up spending $67 for everything-oil change(which discovered a small oil AND transmission leak-yay), 3 prescriptions, plastic bowls/plates, plastic-ware(I'm being lazy with the dishes this week), a packaged lunch for D tomorrow, and a loaf of bread(WIC is almost ALWAYS out of the wheat bread so at least we're prepared if they don't have any when we pick up next week). Spent $6 to get a little gas in my tank. It was nearly on empty and after $6, it popped up to full. Ha, yeah right!! Funny, universe. Very funny.

Our federal refund should be deposited into our bank account tomorrow. After I deduct $4100 to pay off our credit cards, then $580 fund for birthdays/Christmas for all our kiddos, then $50 for D to spend however he wants(He deserves something too, right? Might be more if I get what I want lol...), then we might have enough left to pay off my hospital bill. I browsed the jewelry section at Wal-Mart and got all flushed over the bridal sets. I'd love a new one for quite a few reasons- 1. Get a gold set to match D's gold wedding band(my current one is white gold), let's see 2. Get a set to actually FIT properly without any help(my current won't even fit with the biggest ring adjuster on it), and 3. I've just been missing the symbol it shows to the world-that I'm taken and totally loving it lol. If we could sell our old van, we wouldn't have to pick/choose between the things that we want. Now we just have to think about what we want most I guess. We were looking at a new TV for our living room because the one we have is probably over a decade old and the color is going out. Don't watch a scary movie on it because if it's ever dark, you won't have any clue what's going on until you see the glimmer of the blade! We're not really sure what size we need for optimal viewing, but we're guessing a 42". Hate the price of one that big!!!

Anyway, that's where my head is tonight. Wondering, wishing, hoping, praying nothing else falls apart(wait for it...wait for it...*BOOM* :P). *Knock on Cyber Wood* Time to update the checkbook and get myself to bed to cuddle with D. Lovely times. Probably ate too much tonight to lose any weight, but I feel pretty darn good anyway! Exercise and the proper medication definitely have a hand in that! Until next time, my friends!

Conquering Negative Thoughts

2010-02-02T12:37:00.000-06:00

Sometimes you're met with negative thoughts in life. People say things and these seeds are planted in your mind. All of sudden you're replaying moments of life through your mind and wondering what could have been done differently or what even happened if you can't exactly remember the instance that was brought up.

It's times like this where you learn what NOT to do with yourself. Food is not the thing to turn to. Emotional eating leaves me feeling sick. I hate feeling sick. I ate two bowls of chili with cheese/crackers then a bowl of chocolate moose tracks ice cream(and oh gosh, it was so good but I didn't need it!). I didn't feel too great after that. I need to get myself under control and stop to think before I go for seconds or desert. I mean, dessert is fine every once in a while but after two bowls of chili... Excessive. I felt it too, so it only solidified what I was doing-emotional eating. Did I go for that second bowl of chili because I was hungry? Definitely not. I went for it because I was emotional and wasn't dealing with that, so I tried to overlook it with food. It obviously didn't work because what did I end up with? A bowl of ice cream.

That was yesterday and today is the present. It's my chance to accept what happened and emotions that came along with it. I can move past it and continue to fuel my body with the best food I can without neglecting myself of any small indulgences. Moderation, not deprivation. If you cut anything out of your diet, unless it's for a medical reason, then you are going to crave it and eventually crash back into it mouth first.

I hear it takes a few weeks to learn a new change, but it's proving to take me longer on top of the emotional issues that I have to go through. I'm okay with it. I feel like this is a lifestyle change for me and I'm going to do my best to continue with my exercise even with patella-femoral syndrome leering at me or IBS giving me crappy stomach-cramping days or even the depression leaving me with thoughts of isolation and sadness. Last night was another moment where I had to realize some things and how different they truly were from my warped perception of it. I sat alone, went through the emotions, figured out what it was, and then I explained it to D. He understood where I was coming from and reiterated some things that I said that he agreed with. It was nice to hear him tell me he truly loves me and isn't going anywhere. I already knew that deep inside, but it was nice to hear it while I was in such a distraught state. I'm just going to deal with those days and then continue where I left off. It's all I can do or else I may not continue with this. That is simply unacceptable. :)

It's almost time for lunch. Ally should be ready for nap time afterward. Dixie is making these cute noises while she plays with a plastic ring(from a milk jug). She just likes to bat it around and carry it to her food bowl/other places. I'm going to see how long I can go on the elliptical today until becoming bored out of my mind without any kind of TV in there. Maybe I could put a DVD in the computer to watch while I workout. We borrowed some from Daniel and Carla, so there are some I've never seen! Might help out. Everyone out there, take it easy on yourselves when you make any mistakes or missteps in any kind of journey. We're all human and no one is perfect. Learn from it and then keep truckin'! Til next time...

Weird Wonders

2010-01-30T17:20:00.000-06:00

I felt well enough when I went to bed last night. After spending a day and a half at my MIL's, I was happy to be home with D. Something strange hit me during the night though. I had trouble sleeping, tossed and turned, overslept-which I actually haven't done in a while! Now I feel like I've been run over by a bus. There's reasoning behind my worry, as crazy as it might seem to some though.

I was told that my nephew ended up with the H1N1 virus, also known as the swine flu. He goes to Head Start, so I figured that was how he ended up with it. My sister mentioned that she had just been around them recently and wondered if she should get vaccinated. I really don't worry with seasonal vaccinations, only those that are required for Ally to attend school in the future. I think you know where my mind was wandering...

I'm achy all over. I have the sniffles. I'm extremely freezing cold and I feel like pure crap. My stomach is somewhat unsettled. I've felt sick most of the day. All while we were out, my stomach was in knots and I wondered if I was going to end up showing the general public what my breakfast looks like after it digests for a bit. I know, disgusting thought but it's what I feared!! After Sam's Club, Shoe Carnival, then a few stores at the mall I was so ready to head home. I felt a bit better once we got out of mall so we went out to eat at our favorite Chinese restaurant, Four Seasons. We have lots of left overs, but I love the food and will be having it for days!! Yum!

We were out from around 10 until around 4, so Ally is now throwing a tantrum in the kitchen. It's likely due to the fact that she skipped her nap. I swear, that just makes a bad day worse when you're feeling yucky all over. Never fear though, I plan to meet my fitness goals and workout later...preferably after Ally goes to bed. MIL remembered some wonderful things and returned the DVD I didn't like to get Wii Fit Plus for me! She also got some roller blade wheels to replace the bad ones on the elliptical I borrowed from her. YAY for low impact exercise machines!

I'm probably going to do Wii Fit Plus for tonight since I'm not feeling 100%. I will meet my goals, even if I have to do it slow and easy on Wii Fit Plus! For now, I'm going to curl under a blanket and watch The Hulk. Until next time...

Chocolate: The LG Kind!

2010-01-28T18:31:00.001-06:00

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of LG Chocolate Touch. All opinions are 100% mine.

LG has come out with a new brand of phone that surpasses anything I've seen from them before. The LG Chocolate Touch allows you to make calls, send texts, use the internet and social media, take pictures or video and has a music player with Dolby Mobile technology for crystal clear sound quality! In other words, this phone is lots of useful tools all in one device.

With expandable memory a 3.2 MP camera and an FM tuner with song recognition, this phone could replace your computer, camera, AND radio!! What?! That is a sweet amount of mega pixels for a cell phone. It also has some nice visual effects and features, like the Rhythmical Beat that vibrates the handset to the beat of the music! Ever have trouble getting the beat of a song? No problem with this phone!

I'm a big Facebook and Twitter user and this phone has a one touch social network message key for easy use of applications just like that. It has top notch text, picture, video, and voice messaging including Visual Voicemail. Sounds intriguing, right? I absolutely love the thought of a 3.2 MP camera/recorder for quality pictures and video along with an image editor!

I'm stuck in a contract with another provider, but if you're free and clear then I'd check into this. It looks like a cool phone and definitely has some awesome specs. I'm envious! I know I will be coveting the LG Chocolate Touch for a long, long time...or at least until my contract runs out!

Stuffed much?!

2010-01-27T16:51:00.001-06:00

Good Lord, I just had a big lunch. When I list it, it won't sound big. My tummy is telling me it was though. Darn it! I had a disposable bowl of ranch mashed potato salad kind of stuff with one slice of cheese on top. Then I felt bad, so I popped in a Lean Cuisine asian-style poppers with rice/veggies meal while I was eating my potatoes. A big fault of mine is I hate letting food go to waste, especially if I don't absolutely HATE it. Guilt for not having a variety because I did have the potatoes and an egg for breakfast, so I haven't had many veggies today. I'm aiming for a veggie filled soup with crackers for dinner and hopefully no mindless snacking on whatever I fix for D and Ally.

This week has not been my best in the workout arena. After attending my BIL's birthday party Saturday and participating in the dance-a-thon(not seriously, but I was moving around for about 2 hours on Just Dance for Wii) then 20-30 minutes of Jillian Michaels Fitness Ultimatum 2010. I woke up sore in all kinds of places...that I'd never acknowledged before. Like a small area right below my butt cheeks. What the heck muscle is that? It was HURTING though, right along with my knee, my actual butt(from doing sit ups on their rigorous hardwood flooring I'm sure), and my bicep. Yeah, just one was hurting. Weeeeeeird. That was me the past few days-A BIG PITA...Pain in the *ahem* for anyone who might not understand acronyms.

Today started this week's exercise. I killed it, too. I'm wondering though if this Your Shape for Wii is overestimating my calories. It just seems pretty crazy of an estimate at 775 for an hour workout. Yes, I wanted to fall over and stop in the middle, but I did the whole "15 more minutes" mentality and worked my way through 30 more minutes of it. I enjoyed it because I could hardly breathe(aka definitely got my heart rate up) and I was gulping water during rest periods. I took those as good signs that it was a good workout though. Now my hip AND my knee hurts, but I'm proud that I got it done!! I CAN do this!

New shirt, new 'do. How can I doubt myself?! Until next time...

I noticed after I posted this that it looks like a chunk of my leg got cut out LOL! I just need some black leggings and a pair of Uggs for that shirt to work right on me!!

Numbers Aren't Everything

2010-01-25T11:42:00.001-06:00

My post yesterday promised a weigh in today. Well, I'm up 2.6 lbs! Yes, I mean a gain. I weighed in at 165.6 this morning. Like the title of this post though, numbers aren't everything when it comes to the scale/weight!

I had a fantastic weekend with family, specifically the in laws who are usually a big source of anxiety for me. I tried something new, albeit alcohol over the weekend, but I have plans to try more productive new things in my future. I feel amazing. By that, I mean I am feeling soreness in muscles I never thought could hurt much less even existed!

I don't think I really mentioned it, but Ally has been acting off kilter for about a week now. She has no appetite, would rather drink all day than eat, and fights tooth and nail if we try to force her to eat. I hate forcing food on her, but last night it was the only way we got anything in her stomach. She seemed pretty gassy and had a distended stomach(hard to the touch), so I was a little afraid of forcing much of anything on her other than what she simply wanted. My dad ended up giving her some chicken in a biscuit crackers. That and a few bites of turkey and spaghetti was her dinner! She's acting fine otherwise. It's tough to fix her something to eat and watch it go to waste though. My mom thinks I should withhold her sippy cup until she eats, but that barely worked last night. We made her eat the night of my birthday and now we can't get the puke smell out of our blankets and sofa. Blah, it's very gag-inducing to smell all day. I've almost emptied a whole bottle of Febreeze trying to get rid of it. Not sure what else to do!

Those are my thoughts and revelations for the day. Sometimes when life gets sour, you have to look at the bigger picture to find the sweet. Yes, I'm sore but that means I made it a point to workout away from home since I KNEW I needed it to meet my fitness goal. So I'm up 2.6 lbs this week? That could be anything that isn't typical of my normal diet, which means it could easily come off with this week's exercise. Hakuna Matata(it means no worries in case you haven't seen Lion King), my friends. Keep your heads up and keep on truckin'!

Party Hardy

2010-01-24T15:35:00.000-06:00

On January 8, I set some goals for myself. I am one week away from achieving my first goal! My fitness goal of working out for 3x a week for at least a month is almost complete!

And since I TOTALLY forgot what my rewards were, I am doing a switch-a-roo! Originally, the first goal's reward was to find some time to myself. Since our anniversary is coming up next month, I'm going to swap those around and take the date night first! I don't know why I didn't think about the timing! I guess it just seemed like it going to take forever and a day to get our taxes filed, so I wasn't sure WHEN we'd have any money. We sucked it up and just used our regular guy. He's really nice and doesn't mind Ally wandering around his office while we're taking care of business. We went in Friday and it took MAYBE 30 minutes! It was real quick, so that was a relief too. No appointment or babysitter needed. I feel like the less stress was worth the money we paid to have our taxes filed.

So to recap my rewards and fix my goof since I wasn't thinking or seeing things clearly... Goal #1 to workout 3x a week for a month is one week away from completion; Reward is a date night for D and I(maybe I can coax him into a foot rub for me lol). Goal #2 is to lose 16 lbs in 3 months; Reward is getting some time alone to myself to do whatever/wherever I want. Long term Goal #3 is to go hiking in 6 months(I just calculated that to be around June counting by 4 weeks at a time, but I am going to aim for July since that's 6 months from January); Reward is-and I just decided this-*drum roll* a visit to the thrift store or Wal-Mart for a FEEL GOOD OUTFIT or a new WORKOUT OUTFIT! Perfect! Sometimes finding a single outfit that fits perfectly or even CLOSE TO it is just the thing to keep you moving in the right direction!

On a more personal side, I went to a birthday party for my BIL yesterday. He invited a lot of people but only a few showed up. I felt bad for him, but I think he was okay with it because we all had a good time anyway! First we ate burgers with chips and dip. Then I wanted to play Just Dance to work off that second burger I had *blush* lol. Everyone thought that was a hoot! Then time for cake! It devils food cake with chocolate icing. So sweet!! D's SIL mom came to pick up their kids, so they were kid free and she wanted something SPECIAL to drink, so we went out to get that. I discovered that I did not like Gin & Juice Green Dragon too much. Too stout for me lol! I'm such a lightweight! I definitely enjoyed the Smirnoff Ice Watermelon and the Strawberry Daquiri that Carla picked up though. Between the 3 of us(D only had a few sips), it was ALL gone by the end of the night. I decided to have dinner after I started feeling DIZZY. Felt better after eating, of course. Our company left and I decided I wanted to workout to Carla's Jillian Michaels Fitness Ultimatum 2010 and did 15 minutes of running in place, a bunch of crunches and lunges, then tried her Biggest Loser Cardio Max workout DVD which I liked so I borrowed it from her! We also borrowed a bunch of movies due to our lack of satellite/TV. They also had an extra converter box and antennae so we might actually be able to watch TV in our living room again! WooHoo!

I'm at my mom's now since we left Daniel and Carla's at MIDNIGHT I think it was. I believe D probably wants to get online soon before we head home. I will weigh in tomorrow morning to see what damage I did or didn't do! It was a good time nonetheless and I can take anything! :P Until next time!

My Disclosure Policy

2010-01-22T19:37:00.000-06:00

This is a generated disclosure policy. I want to let my readers know that as a SAHM mom I often times try to get paid posts in order to help with the bills or to simply have some fun/emergency money. I promise YOU my honesty and the best content I can create. Thank you for reading my blog!

This policy is valid from 22 January 2010

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My Abs Hurt?!

2010-01-22T13:20:00.000-06:00

I have had an interesting week overall. I had an increase in cravings of sweet stuff. I hurt my knee a bit when I ignored my tiny knee ache and worked out anyway. I turned 24 on Tuesday and indulged myself in birthday calories.

Now for yesterday, oh yesterday... Once I put Ally down for her nap, I decided I wanted a slice of plain new york cheesecake all to myself with chocolate flavored syrup drizzled over top for a snack totaling 340+(the plus being the syrup) calories! Crazy woman craving sweets say WHAT?! So seeing as how the scale hadn't budged a tenth of a pound this week, I figured I should do something to offset that yummy cheesecake I had just devoured.

Onto my Wii I went, back to Your Shape. I will choose one or two areas to "burn" and then another one or two to "tone" but yesterday, I wanted to burn baby burn! So 3-4 areas, I chose BURN. I wasn't sure how many calories I would actually burn and it won't let you work out TWICE in one day, so I set the time for an hour. I got to 34 minutes and I just couldn't make it anymore. It estimated I had burned 580 calories just in that amount of time and with how I was feeling aka ready to fall the bleep over I WAS DONE. I'm not sure that workout was even tracked on there since I had to go back to the Wii menu to stop it. This thing had me doing so many side crunches. I believe I did over a HUNDRED of them total on top of doing things such as airplane poses where you bend over to put your hands on the floor then raise one leg up into the air and hold that pose, then all the plank poses(like getting ready for a push up). One was one-leg plank pose where you're in the plank position and you alternate raising each leg and another was just holding plank for a certain amount of time. Those things are killer on your arms if you hold them for long periods of time. I was doing okay at first, but then I couldn't even stand to hold the position and kept falling to my knees.

I am definitely feeling it in my arms today and I started feeling it in my ABS last night. It was something else to have sore abs. I've never had sore abs!!! I wish the soreness was lower down so maybe I might have hopes of getting rid of this tummy I have left, but I guess I will have to do reverse crunches to help with that area. I have read that you can't target a specific area to burn, but you can strengthen the muscles underneath and hopefully tighten/firm that way. That's all from my sore end. Everyone take care and have a great safe weekend!! Til next time...

Happy Birthday Mama, Here's Some VOMIT!

2010-01-20T18:09:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was my 24th birthday! Wow, I'm so old. Ha. The day started out well, surprisingly. I wasn't expecting anything seeing as how everyone is pinching pennies around here.

MIL showed up with a birthday cake and presents! Yeah, it was a full sheet cake. Really woman?! Oh and the gifts were two workout dvds. One was Dancing with the Stars Cardio Dance and the other was Dance Off the Inches Dance It Off & Firm Up. The reviews don't look all that great. Some people like it and others say the moves are too professional. We're definitely taking the Dance It Off one back. I watched a preview of it on YouTube and the moves looked too difficult for me to do without possibly hurting my knee! Lots of dance-y throw this foot behind this leg while you throw your arms across the room kind of moves. Eh. MIL said I could return that one and pick something else, then if I didn't like the DWTS she would give me the money for it.

I went out for lunch to AppleBees and completely blew out my calorie allotment for the day with honey bbq boneless chicken wings, fiesta lime chicken and mexican rice with tortilla strips(I saved some for D), then half a maple butter blondie and a free fudge sundae shooter. I believe all of that totaled around 1800 calories! I usually eat about 1300... LOL All of it was very tasty, except for the sundae. It was meh.

I did go ahead and eat dinner as well, though it was light. I had baked beans with some veggies that were left over from the previous night's supper. Ally was ill and decided to come cuddle on the couch with me. Next thing I know, she jerks up and projectile vomits all over me, the couch, and the floor. I ran to the bathroom and told her to lean against the tub while I got the puke-covered clothes off of myself and gathered towels for D. She threw up once more in the tub. Boy, it was fun cleaning that up since we have the hair catching drain. I sat with her on the couch again and I felt her stomach convulse, so I ran her to the bathroom again. What a great end to my birthday! I guess that was her gift to me. Thanks sweetie! And my present from the universe...haven't gained a lb this week. Haven't lost either, but considered my indulgence yesterday and my lack of working out due to my knee... You know, I kind of figured something...

Today I WANTED to work out, dang it. So I put Ally down for her nap and thought... "Am I even scheduled for working out today?" Checked SparkPeople's fitness tracker and sure enough, I was scheduled for cardio with a goal of burning 433 calories. I did Your Shape(something different) and burned 343. That left 90 calories and I figured up that general tennis would burn that much in 10 minutes, so I popped in Wii Sports and did tennis for a bit. I believe I did more than 10 minutes but that's what I logged anyway. So YAY, I met my calorie burn goal today! I am AWESOME! Going to aim for the same thing Friday. Will try for some strength for the arms tomorrow.

Oh and lastly, I'm supposed to pick some rewards for my goals. First goal was the exercise 3x a week for a month. One more week after this one and I will have achieved that goal. My reward is going to be to find some time to be by myself. For my goal of losing 16 lbs in 3 months, D and I will have a date night!! That sounds fun!! :) And *drum roll* if I go hiking in 6 months(July/August)...well, I guess that's TBA. Anyone have any ideas that are NOT EXPENSIVE??? Until next time!

The Results of Not Listening to Your Body

2010-01-18T12:45:00.001-06:00

Over-working it much?! I let time slip away for a full workout Sunday, but I managed to do a 20 minute workout on Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. It has 3 levels and I started on level 1 AGAIN because it had been a while... They are such killer moves that I just can't make myself use the video that often. So 20 minutes was alright. I probably could have gone a tad longer, but didn't want to force my MIL to see me bouncing around any more though who knows- maybe it would have been inspirational for her lol.

I woke up with some slight knee pain yesterday morning. It was so minimal that I didn't think much of it and worked out anyway. Let me clarify what Jillian Michaels 30 DS level 1 entails- jumping jacks, push-ups(on my knees cause I'm just not that strong yet lol), jumping rope, kickbacks, squatting with boxing/strength exercises using weights, and lunges with strength exercises using weights. I likely missed something, but you catch my drift. Yeah, I completely ignored the abs portion but that barely has anything to do with my knees besides the bicycle crunches!!

All night, I tossed and turned. I couldn't get comfortable thanks to the burning sensation in my knee. I normally sleep bent-kneed and it just wasn't working. I really felt it when I tried to bend my knee to get out of bed this morning-OUCH.

Another interesting fact about me some of you may not know-as a teen I used to get extremely painful burning sensations in my knees, right around my kneecaps. My mom finally took me in to the doctor and I was sent for X-Rays. They told me I had patello-femoral syndrome. Also known as chondromalacia patella-yeah, a mouthful. It results from degeneration of cartilage due to poor alignment of the kneecap as it slides over the lower end of the thighbone also known as the femur(thank you medicinenet.com). The kneecap is normally pulled OVER the end of the femur in a straight line by the thigh/quadriceps muscle but instead it tracks toward the lateral OUTER side of the femur causing the underside of the kneecap to actually grate against the femur resulting in inflammation and pain. I was sent to physical therapy for a bit, then released with a booklet of exercises for my knees. I'm not sure but I believe I threw that paper away after I noticed exercise and some weight loss had relieved the knee pain!

I just love how things sneak up on you. I'm resting most of the day, but I might attempt some seated boxing on Gold's Gym Cardio Workout. I will make sure I have batteries for an extra remote though because using the remote and nunchuk is not an option. You feel like you're getting whipped the whole time by that dang strap! Being sore under you armpits is kind of a strange sensation as well, though I still don't want to just DO NOTHING today. I feel like I could sleep probably due to the tossing/turning from pain. Some light activity might help give me some energy though. Isn't it something when you actually WANT to workout?! Until next time, listen to your body. Sometimes it's really SCREAMING AT YOU! :P

Meeting goals and making CHILI!

2010-01-17T10:51:00.000-06:00

I wanted to workout last night, but plans changed. We ended up going over to my brother's house to return some movies. We hung out a bit and watched some A-Team. It was late when we got home and I knew I had to get up early to prepare the crock pot chili I was making for Sunday lunch, so I went on to bed.

I'm rethinking my workouts right now. I didn't gain/lose anything this week. I'm still at 163, though I worked out the required 3x a week. I also had some issues with my eating, so that could be why I broke even. I've been craving sweets a lot lately, mostly due to stress I'm sure. Maybe I need to focus more on the calorie burn of my workouts instead of the minutes!

I had a mini breakdown over at my mom's. The stress of our financial situation on top of the expected birthday party my BIL was wanting to throw himself just made me feel even worse. It's depressing to see someone else having this party for themselves when you're having so much trouble and won't even get a present for your birthday. I know, poor poor pitiful me. Things could be worse and la de da, so my gripe fest is now over!

I woke up with the intent to workout today. My knee was bothering me(patella femoral syndrome-a cartilage issue) and I almost bowed out. Then I thought... I have Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred and it's only a 20 minute workout. I DID IT! I still need 40 more minutes of working out to meet my quote of 60 minutes, but it's a start. The chili is cooking(will update later on the review of that lol) and I have to shower to go to the store with MIL. D must have read my thoughts because he just left to get in the shower. Mind-reader and thought stealer!

Everyone have a great day! I've set myself up with a good breakfast(two eggs fried in PAM olive oil cooking spray, two slices whole wheat bread with sandwich spread, and a slice of american cheese)-YUMMY! I've met my workout 3x a week goal for two weeks straight! I am ready for the day! Until next time...

I felt it in my TEETH, ick!

2010-01-15T12:21:00.000-06:00

Turns out I was away from home all day yesterday. I went with my sister to her appointment and then we met my mom for lunch. She and I were both feeling pretty tired. Not sure if she was rubbing off on me or I was just feeling crummy. Decided on spaghetti for dinner and D coming down to get me.

After dinner, I noticed a toothache. It was in the same spot where my filling was done. That always makes me a little unnerved. Being of the paranoid nature, I often wonder if my filling has come out or if my teeth are getting worse, etc. etc. By the time I got home, it hit me though. I'm talking about SNOT. Runny/stuffy nose, what a wonderful combo that leaves you with postnasal drip out of the only side of your face you can breathe out of! Fantastic!

Woke up this morning and to what? Icky drainage in my throat and more snot. Did you know that your sinuses are connected to your teeth? Yep, my dentist told me this. Sinus issues whether it be drainage or inflammation can affect your teeth, giving you a toothache.

My last workout was on the 13th. I plan to workout again tomorrow. I do believe I either need to a)watch my snacking, b)track my calories better, or c)pump up the workout a bit. I might need to invest in a heart rate monitor to gauge whether my workouts are benefiting me enough. I'm not sure it's enough of a workout lately. Wednesday I did a 6 minute strength video, then 30 minutes on Wii Fit(5 minute Advanced Step, 6 minute Hula Hoop, Long Run, and 10 minutes boxing), and ended with 36 minutes of Gold's Gym Cardio Workout boxing. Seems like I've broken even this week as far as weight loss goes. I will aim to mix it up tomorrow and see if that helps any! I'd love to jog outdoors but as much as I hate being cold, I just know I'd wimp out! Come on, warm weather!

On the home front, D's new foam factory job is going alright. It's reminiscent of the days shortly before the last plant began laying off people. Not comforting at all in that respect. He wants to test the waters a bit and give it a few weeks before making a decision. I'm respecting that and keeping my eye on the bills and money so we know when we need to sell our souls. Ha. I kid. I think. LOL Nah, we're just going to keep on keeping on. Til next time...

Crank it DOWN!

2010-01-12T14:21:00.000-06:00

It's been a tough rest day for me. Ally has been cranky for the majority of it, at least since we got OUT of bed. Nap time could not have come soon enough and that is where she is now. Hopefully after nap time, she will crank it down a bit lol.

I was going to rest yesterday because I thought I'd be sore from all of the weekend activity. I wasn't, so I did two 10 minute SparkPeople cardio workouts and then two strength training workouts-also courtesy of SparkPeople's free online video library. It totaled to be a 41 minute workout overall. I felt good about that. It didn't feel like I overdid it. I am sensing a tiny amount of soreness today, but nothing to keep me completely couch-bound. MIL was over for her visit, so I decided to show her this game I borrowed from my sister. It's the Just Dance game that was played at the house party.

She watched me to do the first one and from the corner of my eye, I could see her smiling. I knew it something she'd enjoy. She picked the next one for me to do and even got up off the couch to do it with me!! She was laughing and having fun. That's the best way to get moving, by doing something you like and she has mentioned that she likes dancing around. She actually said hiking sounded like fun, although she admitted she'd likely be begging me to drag her along after a bit! Yeah, I can see that!

So kind of boring today! I have to log 500 fitness minutes a month in order to be eligible for prizes through the Spark Your Body Bootcamp team on SparkPeople, so I'm trying to do math in my head... Yes, there's smoke coming out of my ears. How did you know I also have a headache? LOL It amounts to just over 3 hours of exercise a week. In order to not absolutely kill myself on the days I workout, I might have to incorporate a little bit of activity into one or two of my off days. Just a smidgen, like 15-30 minutes on two other days. I think I could handle that.

AND. I totally give up on figuring out Ally's potty training distress. She is pretty good at pooping in the potty, even tells us when she has to go for that. Otherwise, nada. Zilch. NOTHING. Sometimes she has a poop accident when she's playing with her cousins and doesn't pay attention to herself, but other than that it's almost like she's poop trained already. I thought this was supposed to be the OPPOSITE. I can't find any material on helping the child that will poop but won't pee in the potty. Is it that rare?! It's like I told my mom... I'm thinking I'll wait until it warms up to get started on that again because it just wouldn't be right to have her walking around in underwear with it being under 70-something degrees in this house. We get COLD! So that's where I am today. Also snacking for skimping out on breakfast because I had no appetite. Gah, I knew better!! Live and learn, people. LOL Until next time, I am going to track my snacking on SparkPeople so I make sure I don't overdo it! :D

Your Shape House Party

2010-01-10T21:43:00.000-06:00

My sister got to host a Your Shape House Party. It was set for yesterday and there were around 15-20 people expected to come(wow-nerves!). I went over early so I could help her set up everything. She decided on chunky chili, jiffy cornbread muffins/tostito chips, chex mix, and sweet tea. I added some fiber bars to the mix just for fun, let everyone try them out, and there was the mousse that came free via coupons in the house party packet she received. A Just Dance video game also came in the packet. Both of these are for the Wii console.

Heather's MIL also had the game, so she brought hers over and hooked it up to another TV so multiple people could be playing at the exact same time. I was a bit afraid that there wouldn't be anyone willing to step up and play in front of everyone else. I felt froggy so to speak and ended up playing for HOURS. I mean about 2-3 hours STRAIGHT. I did 15 minutes or so on Your Shape just so everyone could see what it was about then went back to the Just Dance game because it was more fun and less like a structured workout. I'm starting to feel it now after doing some Wii Fit Plus this morning. I burned an estimated 230 calories doing that and who knows how many I burned from dancing around for 2-3 hours the previous night! All I know is I'm exhausted and sore. Too tired to even put Ally to bed when I KNOW she needs to be off already. These were both exercise days as well and I know I met my required calorie burn. Ha. I'm not sure, but I think I was like a madwoman with that dancing game! I guess anyone else who attended could tell you! I know it had to be HILARIOUS though! :)

I just had to come update before doing anything else...even going to bed-addicted, maybe?! Ally is watching Blue's Clues(she loves it-wish we had more DVDs of it, she seems to be learning so much) and D just settled on the couch. I think Dixie missed us. She was acting like a mad cow when we first came in, running all around the backs of the couches like crazy.

Weighed in this morning and...*drum roll*...I lost 3 lbs this week! Woo! I somewhat felt like once I got back into eating regularly and not like a pig anymore that the weight would come off. Too bad it couldn't be all of it at once! That's what I get for 5 lbs of holiday weight! It may have been a bigger loss if I hadn't eaten two bowls of chili with two jiffy cornbread muffins(one was Ally's-MOMMIES, just say NO to the kids' leftovers because the starving children in the world will STILL be starving after you eat it!!!!), then a chocolate mousse, a piece of cake, and a Smirnoff mango. Hey, I tried the Jack Daniels mango, so I had to give this one a fair go. It was less tangy. I could deal with it though. It's a travesty that these alcoholic beverages don't list the calorie content on the bottle. Lord knows I looked. LOL Maybe it was on the box?! I don't know. I'm not a huge drinker. I'm glad I never had the gall to get into that because it definitely would have been a pain-duller at some point in my life. Now I'm dealing with it, so it's all good. It's okay to enjoy some new things every so often.

I'm off to a good start with my goals. This is the second workout weekend in a row. Go me! With D starting a new 7-3:30 pm job, there might be a change in that routine next week. Never hurts to mix things up. Keeps you from plateauing. I need to get this kid in the bed and work on getting myself and the hubs to bed soon as well. He gets up bright and early to start his new job in the morning(same pay as previous, but possible chance for transfer to plant down the street with better pay). Still hoping for the best! Until next time...

Fast Breaks and Goal Setting

2010-01-08T19:30:00.000-06:00

I had ordered a book back in October. Things were semi okay then. The money was just taken out not long ago though. The book was finally released and on its way. The Spark by Chris Downie-the 28 day break through plan for losing weight, getting fit, and transforming your life. I will admit I was skeptical. What am I going to get from this book that I'm not already getting from the site? Is it really going to interest me that much? Or will it just be chock full of extremely healthy suggestions that I can't fit into our budget?

Well, it has proven me wrong. Wrong. WRONG. I have the SparkPeople plan printed in front of me, something I can refer to when I'm away from the computer. I realize healthy isn't all or nothing. It's bits and pieces that lead to a better you, not just nutritionally but physically and mentally as well.

Stage One- Set three "fast break" goals. I've been through this one. My goals pertained to adequate water intake, blogging, and using the message boards. Honestly the first two are the only ones I remember right off, but I recall being very shy and not posting on the boards, feeling overwhelmed by the amount of info and the mere THOUGHT of telling people "my story". I get adequate water more often than not, I blog at least every other day if possible, and I'm pretty regular on some message boards! These small goals are so important because they show you right away that you can set goals and achieve them. You can be successful.

Now I need to figure out my true goals. Why do I want to be fit? What is going to motivate me to keep going? What do I want to ACHIEVE?

I want to be a good role model for my family and friends. I want to be able to chase and play with my daughter without getting tired before she is! I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to feel attractive in the clothes I wear. I want to smile with my mouth OPEN!! Okay, so that's part of the ..."own skin" deal but it's where my mind was going. I want to exercise at least 3x a week and continue on to lose 10% of my current body weight-162, so about 16 lbs. I want to go HIKING. There it is in print. I've even SAID IT. Yes!!!! Never would I have previously pictured myself doing that but by God- I WANT TO.

My short term goal is to exercise 3x a week for a month. My medium term goal is to lose 16 lbs in 3 months. I want to go hiking in at least SIX MONTHS. Now that those are out there, it's time to get my butt to work(as long as my slip on the ice on my way back from mailbox didn't hurt me too bad)! I feel like these are things I CAN achieve. It would be nice if I could find a hiking buddy in the same amount of time too. I would hate to travel a long distance to hike and be so alone, plus the fact that there's safety in numbers. If worse comes to worse, I'll hike on Thursday and recruit my MIL-HA! She'd seriously kill me! :) I will work on the buddy thing, too. Time to finish getting ready to go. Going to my sister's for the night and helping her set up for a Your Shape house party. We get to try that game, plus a dance game for the Wii. She's saying I can use the game for a while, so that might help with my variety. Anyway, enough rambling lol! Until next time!

Vision Collages-Visualizing Yourself for Success

2010-01-06T11:17:00.001-06:00

I've posted collages before showing how far I've come in a year's time. Well, I'm sick of looking at the old pictures. I like the new pictures. I think I NEED to see the new pictures more to keep me moving steadily in the right direction. I start feeling like I'm stuck in the past and I'm simply not there anymore. I look different and I feel different. I look at the old pictures and I think they keep my mind stuck on that image of myself, so I want divert my focus to the more recent pictures so that my mind might catch up and see who I've sweated to become lol. Here's the new collage that I'll be looking at when I feel discouraged...

It's not numbers on the scale anymore. I want to feel good about myself. I understand that some people can be perfectly fine with being overweight or obese. That's okay for THEM. For me, I realized how unhappy I was. I felt like I was unattractive and didn't understand what my own husband saw in me. What he sees in me is love, no matter my shape or size. That's obvious to me now as he didn't even really notice the apparent change until he decided to look at the pictures himself. His actions toward me have not changed as I've changed. He has remained constant in my life since I was 15. We've grown up together and gone through so much, good times and bad. As much as parts of who he is annoys the hell out of me, I feel like we're meant to be together. I just have this feeling that we "fit", you know? Last night, he listened through my tears while I explained to him about how the book The Spark was making me feel so emotional because Chris Downie's story is so relatable. So much in there is making me think, "Oh, I'm doing that! That was me! I've felt like that before! I get it! I've done that! I'm making that choice for myself! All my life I have felt like I could never do anything right and now I'm reading this and it's telling me these things to do and I'm doing them. I'm doing something right!"

I'm beginning to see how much Ally is like me. I can't just have the same thing day in and day out to eat. I crave a variety of foods. Grandma tried to give her pancakes three days in a row and it wasn't happening(she visited our house yesterday and today-the day before yesterday D gave her a waffle for breakfast). Today she's having oatmeal! I decided to have shredded wheat without the milk. It's grocery shopping time, but it's also time for something else. Only this is weather related. Our local weather forecast calls for SNOW! Snow in Mississippi?! Nahhhh!! I sure as heck hope so though! I'd love for Ally to be able to play in the snow sometime and since Grandmas and Paps up north hate for us to travel up there during the winter... It's up to the weather/air stream/whatever/whatnot to bring us some snow. I hope we get some and we can get Ally out in it. We do have an appointment to go to in the morning, so maybe something will happen in our favor! :)

I should be doing strength training this week as well, but I've been having some pain in my hand and wrist. Let's see, so that would leave things like squats, lunges(almost said lunches-is someone thinking about food so soon after breakfast?!), and different kinds of crunches. Better than nothing at all. Even a little goes a long way. I did NOTHING yesterday and I tell you-I felt CRAPPY. My back ached and I felt stiff. It sucked, so I definitely knew I wanted to do something today. I'm happy we have a reason to get out of the house.

Other than grocery shopping, D is putting an application in at a factory about 30 minutes from where we live. They had a job ad in the online version of the local paper and he said it sounded like something he could do, thus we are off to do that today before getting our grocery shopping done. D is finishing up his breakfast, so I need to get my shoes on and get Ally ready. It's 30 flipping degrees outside, thus we are going to require some bundling up lol. Some people up north would probably think I know nothing about needing the bundle up. Thirty degrees-HA! Try 10 or below 0! I know it. I'm a weak southerner when it comes to the cold! If it means snow, I'm all for it though!! :) Big difference between northerners and southerners there, too. It's okay though because everyone is different and entitled to their opinions.

Enough rambling, until next time... Close your eyes and visualize what you want for yourself and how you want to look/feel. Imagine. Believe. ACHIEVE! (Courtesy of The Spark-look it up and order that book. You won't regret it!)

Ridiculous pain

2010-01-04T15:05:00.000-06:00

For the last 3 days, I've been nearly crippled with antagonizing pain. It's beginning to seem like every time I eat, the pain hits shortly after. Making me wonder if it's gas, heartburn, ingestion, or maybe worse and all of the above. It kept me up til 3 am last night and I didn't even care to see the snow flurries at 7:30 am this morning. I was too tired to care after being in pain all evening and not sleeping well. It could all be due to IBS and my medication no longer helping relieve the symptoms and constipation.

I'm not sure I ever really discussed what Irritable Bowel Syndrome is. I'm using WebMD for my information, by the way. IBS causes misery for 10-15% of Americans and of that number, around 1-2% are more severe cases of the condition. It tends to be more common in people in their late 20s, mostly women(two times more common than in men), people with panic disorders or other psychological trauma(possibly a link between past history of abuse and gastrointestinal disorders), and people with conditions such as depression, migraine headaches, and fibromyalgia. There's IBS-C(constipation) and IBS-D(need I say more?) or you can have a mix of the two.

It pretty much fits me to a T, IBS-C. I've been told to exercise regularly to help relieve stress, but it's like only immediate gratification. I feel good when I'm doing it and then shortly after, but not long-term. The IBS symptoms always seem to come back. Right now duly so thanks to the stress we're currently under. I'm trying not to turn to food, though I admit to having a few bites of chocolate cake here and there over the past few days. I don't feel like I'm overdoing it though. I've been listening to music and I exercised the last two days-an hour yesterday and 33 minutes Saturday.

Anyway, it looks like the paycheck from this job will come in just in time to pay our middle of the month bills. I don't know about after that. It won't cover other necessities, so I either need to find a job and someone to keep Ally for next to nothing or D needs to keep on the employment agencies to find something else. Ugh and it's up to me to raid the job sites. Now my head hurts. I think I just need to veg out for a bit... Til next time-keep the prayers and good vibes coming our way, please!

Time for Some Regularity

2010-01-02T20:22:00.000-06:00

I'm so happy to be at home and not expected to be doing anything for a while. I thought Christmas with D's family was my last holiday season party to withstand, but of course not. I ended up going out on New Year's Eve!

MIL kept Ally for me and I went with my sis Heather, her hubby, and son to their friend's house for some food and fireworks. I have no clue about the calorie content of the food, but I do know that even a tiny bit of alcohol gives me the munchies and makes everything taste so overly delicious! LOL I just had two Jack Daniels Downhome Punches. That's it. Very light stuff and I was hungry. Even after having half a sandwich, I decided to have a hot dog(more like a brat dog-bratwurst), some sausage balls, ham and cheese cubes, some pecan brittle stuff, and a couple of cookies. Talk about feeling bloated the morning after and not being able to get ANY relief. Bleh!

I thought since it was the first of year, I'd start it off right. I had cereal for breakfast. Simple enough. Lunch came and I ended up eating mine/Ally's and my sister's rice and beans-what?!-plus part of her quesadilla. I snacked on the way to my mom's and then ate dinner there. Talk about feeling sick. Duhhhhhh. It was one of those "What the heck was I thinking?" moments. I didn't feel STUFFED, so I should have just stopped. My mind keeps going back to the whole deprivation thing-the thought of people thinking I'm depriving myself. Really though, I only have ME to answer to. I want to eat less, work out more for ME. I don't want to do this for anyone else because it's not going to make anyone else feel better. It's going to make me feel better and dammit, THAT IS WHAT I WANT!

So yes, I felt like crap most of last night thanks to stuffing myself full of food. I know better. I've LEARNED better. I'm human. People relapse...then recover. I'm recovering. I thought I was doing well with my calories today, but my tracker says I went over. It's all estimated though. I did 33 minutes on my Gold's Gym Cardio Workout boxing game. It was a sad realization that I hadn't been on there since October and yet I was the very weight I had last put in there-168. Yeah, I went from 161 to 168 in I think two weeks! I'd have to check my weight tracker to be sure. It's self-sabotage at it's worst. My counselor told me I was self-destructive and I face that all the time. I just have to keep trying to teach myself that it's okay for me to succeed at losing this weight and then keeping it off. It seems like I get close to reaching my goals and I do something to set myself back, each and every time. I'm going to try to pay attention to those feelings and use positive self-talk to move past the sabotage when I start getting close to reaching my goals again.

The Irritable Bowel Syndrome doesn't help either. What I believe was gas pain was RIDICULOUS last night. It was reminiscent of gall bladder/gall stone pains, but in all the wrong places. First thought was heartburn because it was a tightening, sharp pain from the middle of my chest down into my rib cage. Then it moved into my back, right between my shoulder blades. That's when I figured gas. I was still pretty bloated too and hadn't had ANY relief. If my doctor's office doesn't get me the $4 generic prescription called in, then when I run out of my IBS meds... I'm going to have serious issues. There's no telling how long I will be uninsured, so I won't be able to go to the doctor for a while. With D working 7pm-7am, I've found that I'm extra anxious after he leaves and more in tune with the noises around me, worrying over whether or not it's the cat/Ally! Speaking of which, it's time to take my Prozac. That last statement and a sudden yawn reminded me because they seem to make me drowsy.

I'm going to workout on the days D has to work(for now), so since I did boxing today I am going to do some step aerobics/hula hooping on Wii Fit tomorrow while Ally is napping. That's my plan. I worry that the Prozac could be causing the increased appetite as well, but I don't know. Lots of wondering going on in this mind of mine. This stuff isn't easy-counting calories in and calories out, having to work out in order to get down to and maintain a healthy weight-but I'm willing to keep going even if it means starting over ten million times to get there.

Ugh, I feel like I could go lay down right now and fall asleep. I still need to give Ally her bath and get our teeth brushed. Happy 2010 everyone! Til next time!

Where will you be?

2009-12-30T14:04:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow night is the night. Lots of people(*understatement*) will be celebrating the arrival of a new year. Some have yearly traditions of eating certain foods on New Year's Eve, having that special drink, or spending the night with that special someone while watching the ball drop live on TV then welcoming the New Year with a kiss. We really don't have any true traditions in our house. That's probably best though, considering how things tend to happen.

After D lost his job, I thought "Oh, he'll at least be home on Christmas day. Our schedules will be open wide for whatever plans our families decide to do." Christmas passed and then I considered that he could possibly be home for New Year's Eve night as well and actually be able to celebrate the night without worrying about work the next morning. The odd bright side in not having any source of income being more time to spend with family. I wasn't expecting any possible job offers until we were in 2010, but then the phone rang. Now on New Year's Eve night, he will be working 7pm to 7am. With his last job, I could at least roll over and give him a kiss at the strike of 12. It just isn't going to be so this time around. I think the last New Year's Eve we truly celebrated was in 2006. It was a Friday night and D was working a M-F job, so we were free on the weekends. I only know this because I'm a journalist in my own mind and I have this written down in my personal journal lol. After that it was layoff, then working the holidays(we never complained-the holiday pay was always welcomed), though I'd have him home at night to celebrate with me, and now I'll likely be at a party without my child/husband quite possibly feeling a little alone and somber that my last moments of 2009 won't be spent with my husband and daughter.

Okay, maybe I'm being too sentimental over how to end a year lol. I've always heard that the people you end the year with will be the people you see most of the next year. I don't know how true that is and quite frankly, I don't think it has turned out to be true even ONCE for us. Things are how they are and I'm just going to miss the hell out of my husband and daughter for not being with me on this one night of the year. So no ringing in the New Year with a kiss this year, but I will start the year off right with one as soon as I get home! Until then, my friends...I will blog again in TWENTY-TEN! :)